Sup. Not sure how long this is going to be. Kinda walking around with a hair trigger temper for reasons I will shortly impart and anytime I start to do anything I very soon get bored with it and stop so. Let's just see what we can do here.
Returned the laptop from Tescos which couldn't run League of Legends. Took the thing to a Tescos store, went to customer services, they asked for the receipt, couldn't find the receipt despite still wearing the same clothes I was when I picked it up [I hoard receipts, and the only one that went missing was the one I got for a £230 laptop...], had the code I used to pick it up but their genius online delivery service is designed so unless you have the receipt they don't have a clue about the order...alright, so I return home, search through all my pockets again, my laptop bag, my locker, and even the box the laptop came in...nothing. Eventually I settle for getting Sexy Receptionist to print off a copy of the order form from my email account, go back, and they accept it and issue me a refund that will take a few working days to get back into my account which I planned on buying another laptop with that had a little more juice. That was Friday.
Over the weekend I was looking around on eBay at laptops and found that there was this one dude auctioning off his old laptop - an i5 2.6GHz duelcore with 6gig RAM and 1tb HDD, which was ideal - for about £135 at the time. I dropped bids up to a max of £200 and got first place at £190. I asked to buy it outright for £200, seller said no, so with 6 hours left on the clock and last minuet bids I put in a max of £300 [a max means that if someone else bids £195 then my account auto-bids £200, up to, in this case, £300] and trotted off to the gym and then to Meltdown London to play some League of Legends on their uber powerful laptops. Got back around midnight after my muscles started to ache [and BOY did they start to...well searing agony doesn't quite cover it two days later; Saturday was one hell've an epic workout] and checked my email account. The stupid bastard seller had sent me 3 emails and eBay had sent me 2; the first email from eBay said "You've won your item at £245" which was great, the first, second and third email from the stupid bastard all demanded payment and were sent 5, 10 and 15 minuets after the auction closed, the last one being aggressive and angry, and the second from eBay said the sale was cancelled. Once I pointed out to said stupid bastard that it was Saturday, I went to the gym and a pub, and he should've waited till the following day he was very apologetic. He also said he had sold the item to someone else. Not having any of it I reported him to eBay and he's still asking me to cancel the sale in the eBay UI, which I'm not doing out of spite.
Turns out however it was a good thing that I didn't actually buy the new laptop because I got a letter on Monday from my last housing benefits office, a bill for £560 odd which they had overpaid me because I had moved out of the area. Thinking that can't be right, I moved my claim two months ago, jobseekers allowance and housing benefits both and have been receiving them fine since they must be confused. Turns out that the job center hadn't been paying my JSA and that the money I had been receiving was two sets of housing benefits payments. So where I thought I hadn't received my biweekly JSA payment after 2 days, turns out I hadn't received it for 2 months. Sorted out my JSA claim, which in turn notified my last HB office so the bill is legit. Goodbye new laptop money.
I can't place ALL of the blame on the benefits payments processing center because somehow I didn't notice for 2 months I was getting £160 instead of £120. It's not a small difference, £40 every two weeks, but I didn't realize it.
On the other hand, the job center has been signing me for 2 months now and didn't have clue one that I wasn't being paid. I mean, where the hell was the paperwork going? The requests for payment? The notifications that we've got someone coming in every two weeks who we're not paying. On top of that, why didn't my new Housing Benefits office notify the one old one that they were paying me now? Who knows...
But yeah, that happened. What's that? Fuck up no6 now? I think it's number 6. Every single damn time I try to follow protocol with these fucking morons this shit happens. It's just lucky I have the money to repay them this time because last time a HB office put in a bill for £1370 I think it was, and I'm still having a reduction of £6 per week off my JSA for that.
And by rights, and this is what is really pissing me off, I should've been in full time paid training with the London Met Police Service by now, only I've been kept waiting more than a fucking MONTH for a 4 page doctor signed medical form that's with my medical records everyone else received with a couple of days [fuck up no 4 that is, and the clock is still counting].
I am beyond angry right now. Mostly I'm just tired of all this. Every single time I try to accomplish anything, meant to, not meant to but something I'm doing to try to improve my life, the universe steps in and fucks it up. I just don't want to even try anymore. Not trying means nothing can go wrong. I can't win by doing nothing, but when have I ever won anything? I don't get rewarded for trying, I just get more grief. The idea was to get the medical form, put it in with the police, and have done, but even that simple little task has taken a dozen times longer than it should, and two neigh catastrophic events have occurred by following the rules and doing what I'm meant to.
The game is rigged.
Why bother even trying when you've lost before you make you're first move?
So, I've developed a base case of defeatism [constant defeat, defeatism syndrome, quite appropriate really], I have developed some new strength from the gym though with my current anger issues three people have nearly died through being terminally stupid, and I'm still wondering about sexy receptionist but she really isn't right for me [besides, relationships aren't for cursed lepers].
My life. One big happy fun, fun, fun circus of dreams and laughter. With murderous robo clowns and an asshole with a whip driving me forward.
31/12/2014
26/12/2014
I Hate Christmas
So in my usual display of utter brilliance I found some extra money this holiday season and decided to get myself a new laptop in order to play League of Legends.
As per usual I can't remember if I mentioned that I want to try to play LoL at pro-gamer levels, and I'm not going to check if I did, but I do and seeing as my medical form is going to take 6-12 months [because, let's face it, if something worked for me like it does for the average fucker on earth then reality would come apart at the seams] I need something to do, and trying to score 10/0/10 with Fiora in a Challenger ranked match seems like fun.
Two issues there of course.
The first is that I tried to find out how you become a pro-gamer of League of Legends, and found that you need to rise to Challenger in the ranked mode of the client, which of course I cannot do because of a system fault Riot pretends doesn't exist called 'ELO Hell'.
For those reading this who don't know and can't be asked to look up what that is; ELO Hell is where the matchmaking system pairs you with a team of 4 other players in a team of 5 total who are well below the skill level of the opposition. This results in you losing regardless of your personal skill level, and being kept in the lower Leagues [Bronze, Silver, Gold, etc.] despite whatever your skill level may actually be. For me for example, I regularly score, outside of the ranked mode, much higher than my allies with few very deaths and reasonable to a lot of kills, however if I then play the ranked mode I tend to get paired with allies who feed, hand power to the enemy, and force me to lose the match.
What angers me most about ELO Hell, asides from the fact that Riot themselves are solid in their convictions that their matchmaking system is entirely fair and unbiased in it's operation, is that the general playerbase of the game are equally sure not only that ELO Hell doesn't exist that also if you suggest that it exists you clearly cannot play the game and belong in Bronze league.
I mean, if you ask why you're allies feed heavily, why you're losing matches because your allies can't hold their lanes, why your personal score is much higher than your allies on a regular basis, then the end result of that enquiry, regardless of the facts of the situation or knowledge of you're ability to play the game, will be that it is your fault you can't rank up.
The possibility that ELO Hell could, not does but mere COULD, exist is instantly and automatically negated. If you ask or suggest or say it exists you are declared to be an inept player by default, like you cannot be a good player and believe that Riot are fallible and could create, through design or accident, a flawed system.
Some of the best comments I've ever had about it include the fact that if you yourself are any good then you alone should be able to carry your team, as though 1 good player with 4 others who hand power to the 4-5 reasonable/good players on the other team can be fought when even the worst player who's been fed is powerful statistically.
Common sense says that if you've got two teams of 5, 90% of team 1 is useless and 90% of team 2 is good, then it doesn't matter if the other 10% of team 1 is the best player on the planet, they cannot hope to win against the other team who will make it their business to focus and slaughter that one good player and then finish off the others whilst that guy is cursing his allies and looking at a death screen.
I have tried three times to rank up to Challenger mode, back when I was playing a dozen or two matches per day a year or so ago, and each time I ran into the same issue; I would play matches, rank up to maybe the top of silver on a steady rising column, and then my allies would be terminally useless and my personal score would sink like an anchor and drop me back down to bronze. The worst is when you get to promotion matches [series of matches in best out of 3 or 5 which bring you up a division or league] where you're allies maybe reasonable for one or two matches and then be shockingly useless so you lose the promotion 75-90% of the time.
A lot of players have said they encounter this from the ranked matchmaking system but they always receive the same responses as I've described; people don't have reasonable arguments against what is obvious to someone on the receiving end of it, they just knee jerk declare that the speaker is obviously useless at playing and start using bad reasoning about game theory and even physiological. I can't remember those right now but there's this list somewhere online about how people blame others and shirk responsibility for their own mistakes, so it's not their allies in LoL it's actually them. A lot of bullshit anyway.
So the point is that I could, given the hardware, sit here for a year and play the game and never get beyond silver because the ranked system, for whatever reason, has a bias against my account to ensure that I can't rank up.
I ran a test once where I used non-ranked matches in all the modes to see if I could rank up outside of the ranked mode, recording match results in MS Excel spreadsheets. I got to Diamond before I stopped measuring it. If those modes also match you with allies and enemies of similar power [because why wouldn't they?] then the bias definitely exists. If they don't, then I still have my ranked scores where my allies have folded their lanes and there was no way I could fight well fed organised enemies.
That's the first issue.
The second issue with trying to become a pro-gamer of LoL is that I don't have the hardware anymore.
Like I've mentioned in previous posts I've been trying to join the Metropolitan Police in London for the past 6+ months. I'm still not in full time paid training with them because of a medical form which other people have been able to collect in a few days but because my doctors unregistered me, and sent my medical records to the health authority holding bank, in London as it happens, my new doctors can't sign a new medical questionare confirming my good health, and the old questionare that IS signed is with my medical records, which have been requested from the health authority and not mailed, emailed or faxed to them in the last month.
As mentioned, I've been through hell trying to pass the college course and the interviews and keep the job centre from fucking me over, and now I'm sitting here, developing some really awesome anger issues about the last 6+ months, out of work, out of money, and feeling like my entire like is afflicted with ELO Hell [I just can't win because of other people].
My PC which could run League at better than Medium graphic settings is broken. I need a new PC to run it which isn't sitting in Meltdown London, the eSports bar, so I can practise and play the ranked mode [I wouldn't care if it was on the lowest graphics setting, it's just got to run and be responsive and playable].
So even though I don't think ELO Hell will allow me to rank up [and no one gives a damn about that] I managed to get some funds together and dropped a couple of hundred quid on a new laptop. The minimum specs of LoL are 2ghz with 2 gig RAM. I got a 2.1ghz with 4 gig of RAM, except it ISNT that because it was advertised as a 2.1ghz duel core and windows is saying is 1.88ghz duel core, so that could be why, even on the lowest graphics setting I'm getting 500ms lag, or it could be because I'm staying in a hostel with crappy wifi [though I've seen others play LoL here fine, and Hearthstone and uTorrent work great, though Christmas + Riot's crappy EUW server may be enough to fuck my game, I just don't know].
Then, just to add insult to injury, when I looked up the specs on the Tesco website [online they sell computer hardware], which is where I double checked that it was being advertised at 2.1ghz, I then found out they had dropped the price by 50 fucking quid three days after I bought it, and one day after I started using it.
So if I had waited 3 days I could've saved 50 quid. If I had been told the actual power of it, I never would've bought it to begin with. And now I have to clean my files off it, return it, shout at them a little, and then go to Gumtree and buy a second hand laptop from someone, though if I'm careful I should be able to get a 3ghz with 6-8 gig RAM, so it's very annoying but maybe it's all for the best. One way or the other this thing is going back because I want that 50 fucking quid anyway.
So, yeah, I hate Christmas.
Worked my ass off for 6 months, dealt with some shit, tried to just get myself into ranked LoL play over the holidays with a new laptop and failed, boxing day sales fucked me, I can't even go to the gym to work off my current anger issues because the gym is shut for the holidays, and I'm surrounded by happy fuckers during a time which in usual circumstances pisses me off anyway because of the hypocrisy and my utter failure to understand how to act like a human being.
Bad year, punctuated by an aggravating holiday season with the new year looming over me and no end in sight to my misery because I cannot believe that after the holidays I'll get my medical form, the MPS will still have my application active, I'll get into paid work within a month or two, or even the ranked system of LoL will allow me to rank up.
And more work up next; return this laptop tomorrow, buy a new one and hope it wasn't the wifi, check with doctors for my medical form which won't be there, a hard gym session because I haven't gone for more than a week now [recovery + Christmas closure], and then New Fucking Years which is like today only with a lot more drunken bastards.
Joy.
Going to watch some Banshee, eat something maybe, and try to get to bed before 5am so I can get to the gym tomorrow after I've returned the laptop.
Probably post again soon once the bullshit running up to New Years hits...
As per usual I can't remember if I mentioned that I want to try to play LoL at pro-gamer levels, and I'm not going to check if I did, but I do and seeing as my medical form is going to take 6-12 months [because, let's face it, if something worked for me like it does for the average fucker on earth then reality would come apart at the seams] I need something to do, and trying to score 10/0/10 with Fiora in a Challenger ranked match seems like fun.
Two issues there of course.
The first is that I tried to find out how you become a pro-gamer of League of Legends, and found that you need to rise to Challenger in the ranked mode of the client, which of course I cannot do because of a system fault Riot pretends doesn't exist called 'ELO Hell'.
For those reading this who don't know and can't be asked to look up what that is; ELO Hell is where the matchmaking system pairs you with a team of 4 other players in a team of 5 total who are well below the skill level of the opposition. This results in you losing regardless of your personal skill level, and being kept in the lower Leagues [Bronze, Silver, Gold, etc.] despite whatever your skill level may actually be. For me for example, I regularly score, outside of the ranked mode, much higher than my allies with few very deaths and reasonable to a lot of kills, however if I then play the ranked mode I tend to get paired with allies who feed, hand power to the enemy, and force me to lose the match.
What angers me most about ELO Hell, asides from the fact that Riot themselves are solid in their convictions that their matchmaking system is entirely fair and unbiased in it's operation, is that the general playerbase of the game are equally sure not only that ELO Hell doesn't exist that also if you suggest that it exists you clearly cannot play the game and belong in Bronze league.
I mean, if you ask why you're allies feed heavily, why you're losing matches because your allies can't hold their lanes, why your personal score is much higher than your allies on a regular basis, then the end result of that enquiry, regardless of the facts of the situation or knowledge of you're ability to play the game, will be that it is your fault you can't rank up.
The possibility that ELO Hell could, not does but mere COULD, exist is instantly and automatically negated. If you ask or suggest or say it exists you are declared to be an inept player by default, like you cannot be a good player and believe that Riot are fallible and could create, through design or accident, a flawed system.
Some of the best comments I've ever had about it include the fact that if you yourself are any good then you alone should be able to carry your team, as though 1 good player with 4 others who hand power to the 4-5 reasonable/good players on the other team can be fought when even the worst player who's been fed is powerful statistically.
Common sense says that if you've got two teams of 5, 90% of team 1 is useless and 90% of team 2 is good, then it doesn't matter if the other 10% of team 1 is the best player on the planet, they cannot hope to win against the other team who will make it their business to focus and slaughter that one good player and then finish off the others whilst that guy is cursing his allies and looking at a death screen.
I have tried three times to rank up to Challenger mode, back when I was playing a dozen or two matches per day a year or so ago, and each time I ran into the same issue; I would play matches, rank up to maybe the top of silver on a steady rising column, and then my allies would be terminally useless and my personal score would sink like an anchor and drop me back down to bronze. The worst is when you get to promotion matches [series of matches in best out of 3 or 5 which bring you up a division or league] where you're allies maybe reasonable for one or two matches and then be shockingly useless so you lose the promotion 75-90% of the time.
A lot of players have said they encounter this from the ranked matchmaking system but they always receive the same responses as I've described; people don't have reasonable arguments against what is obvious to someone on the receiving end of it, they just knee jerk declare that the speaker is obviously useless at playing and start using bad reasoning about game theory and even physiological. I can't remember those right now but there's this list somewhere online about how people blame others and shirk responsibility for their own mistakes, so it's not their allies in LoL it's actually them. A lot of bullshit anyway.
So the point is that I could, given the hardware, sit here for a year and play the game and never get beyond silver because the ranked system, for whatever reason, has a bias against my account to ensure that I can't rank up.
I ran a test once where I used non-ranked matches in all the modes to see if I could rank up outside of the ranked mode, recording match results in MS Excel spreadsheets. I got to Diamond before I stopped measuring it. If those modes also match you with allies and enemies of similar power [because why wouldn't they?] then the bias definitely exists. If they don't, then I still have my ranked scores where my allies have folded their lanes and there was no way I could fight well fed organised enemies.
That's the first issue.
The second issue with trying to become a pro-gamer of LoL is that I don't have the hardware anymore.
Like I've mentioned in previous posts I've been trying to join the Metropolitan Police in London for the past 6+ months. I'm still not in full time paid training with them because of a medical form which other people have been able to collect in a few days but because my doctors unregistered me, and sent my medical records to the health authority holding bank, in London as it happens, my new doctors can't sign a new medical questionare confirming my good health, and the old questionare that IS signed is with my medical records, which have been requested from the health authority and not mailed, emailed or faxed to them in the last month.
As mentioned, I've been through hell trying to pass the college course and the interviews and keep the job centre from fucking me over, and now I'm sitting here, developing some really awesome anger issues about the last 6+ months, out of work, out of money, and feeling like my entire like is afflicted with ELO Hell [I just can't win because of other people].
My PC which could run League at better than Medium graphic settings is broken. I need a new PC to run it which isn't sitting in Meltdown London, the eSports bar, so I can practise and play the ranked mode [I wouldn't care if it was on the lowest graphics setting, it's just got to run and be responsive and playable].
So even though I don't think ELO Hell will allow me to rank up [and no one gives a damn about that] I managed to get some funds together and dropped a couple of hundred quid on a new laptop. The minimum specs of LoL are 2ghz with 2 gig RAM. I got a 2.1ghz with 4 gig of RAM, except it ISNT that because it was advertised as a 2.1ghz duel core and windows is saying is 1.88ghz duel core, so that could be why, even on the lowest graphics setting I'm getting 500ms lag, or it could be because I'm staying in a hostel with crappy wifi [though I've seen others play LoL here fine, and Hearthstone and uTorrent work great, though Christmas + Riot's crappy EUW server may be enough to fuck my game, I just don't know].
Then, just to add insult to injury, when I looked up the specs on the Tesco website [online they sell computer hardware], which is where I double checked that it was being advertised at 2.1ghz, I then found out they had dropped the price by 50 fucking quid three days after I bought it, and one day after I started using it.
So if I had waited 3 days I could've saved 50 quid. If I had been told the actual power of it, I never would've bought it to begin with. And now I have to clean my files off it, return it, shout at them a little, and then go to Gumtree and buy a second hand laptop from someone, though if I'm careful I should be able to get a 3ghz with 6-8 gig RAM, so it's very annoying but maybe it's all for the best. One way or the other this thing is going back because I want that 50 fucking quid anyway.
So, yeah, I hate Christmas.
Worked my ass off for 6 months, dealt with some shit, tried to just get myself into ranked LoL play over the holidays with a new laptop and failed, boxing day sales fucked me, I can't even go to the gym to work off my current anger issues because the gym is shut for the holidays, and I'm surrounded by happy fuckers during a time which in usual circumstances pisses me off anyway because of the hypocrisy and my utter failure to understand how to act like a human being.
Bad year, punctuated by an aggravating holiday season with the new year looming over me and no end in sight to my misery because I cannot believe that after the holidays I'll get my medical form, the MPS will still have my application active, I'll get into paid work within a month or two, or even the ranked system of LoL will allow me to rank up.
And more work up next; return this laptop tomorrow, buy a new one and hope it wasn't the wifi, check with doctors for my medical form which won't be there, a hard gym session because I haven't gone for more than a week now [recovery + Christmas closure], and then New Fucking Years which is like today only with a lot more drunken bastards.
Joy.
Going to watch some Banshee, eat something maybe, and try to get to bed before 5am so I can get to the gym tomorrow after I've returned the laptop.
Probably post again soon once the bullshit running up to New Years hits...
20/12/2014
Meltdown London
An eSports bar run by publicans rather than a bar run by eSports fanatics, and you want the theme of anything to come before the guys running the game.
I got it into my head to go to Meltdown London, an eSports bar located in North London close to where I live and the only [or so I hear] eSports bar in the UK.
Unfortunately the bar lived up to my expectations, and for those who don't know me you should know my expectations of anything are never very high.
Ordinary pubs are filled with tables before a bar that runs down one wall of each floor, with maybe a stage on the other wall or in a corner for bands and similar.
eSports requires computers and consoles, which require desks and chairs, and generally speaking gaming houses, internet cafes, etc. look something like offices.
Meltdown London fails in both categories because it doesn't have enough seats and tables to qualify as a pub, though there's enough space for dancing, and it has only a handful of PC's and a few consoles, so take out the bar and that's most of my peer geek's and nerd's personal equipment setup.
I gave it it's chance though because I wanted to see some eSports, play some League of Legends [I still haven't gotten a new PC or Laptop yet due to my delayed application to the police service], and maybe even meet some geeky nerdy women who would like my well exercised bod and cute face.
I arrived, in pain due to overdoing the gym yesterday, didn't buy any drinks on the basis that I was there to see not to drink, played a couple of League of Legends matches [a 3/0 Fiora and a 7/3 Rammus if it matters, which isn't bad for my first matches in > 6 months], and waited for a League of Legends tournament to start about an hour or two after I arrived.
The tournament was bullshit. I worked that out after the rules were explained. Guy took a deck of cards, shuffled them, and drew one. Depending on the type - Spades, Hearts, whatever - a ruleset would then be imposed on the 2 person team and their opponents. The rule sets included playing with an upside down monitor and playing with one player holding the mouse and the other the keyboard. I was expecting actual skillful play, even drunk playing but still actual gameplay, not the day the special needs kids got let loose in the internet cafe.
I left when it became apparent that there was a ratio of 3 girls to about 25 guys, and they were taken, the tournament was bullshit, and the only other thing that a misanthrope geek could get out of being in the "eSports" pub when the free PC's were occupied with bullshit tournament was watching League of Legends on the live feed screens, except I had no clue what was going on because the resolution was too low to make out the minimaps and there was no sound so no commentary.
I left, my muscles screaming in agony, bought some pain killers, crisps and kidney bean chilli, got in, ate all three on bread, and watched some Banshee.
Then I spent some time wondering how to become a professional eSports player of League of Legends and a few other games you just don't win when playing against me.
Turns out there is no information anywhere online about the actual process. There's lots of vague advice for...well...HUMANS, along the lines of "You need to be determined and really want it and say goodbye to your social life, blah, blah, blah" which isn't an issue for a creature like me who barely qualifies as a human being.
In short it's 00:45 on a Saturday morning, I've spent several hours realizing I'm surrounded by morons, wishing I had about 1/5th my intelligence so I could fit in with the rest of the idiots who dominate the world, and trying to workout what the fuck I can do with my life other than end it via suicide seeing as no one gives a shit that I exist.
I don't care about very much. When I do care I run into events like the five major fuckups I've had in the past five months. I can't relate to anyone else, even when I go into places which are meant to be designed for people who love the same shit I do. And although I could be a major asset to a great many enterprises no one believes it or will look twice at me.
I'm stuck. I need to work. I want to be productive. But the world doesn't give a shit.
Tomorrow I'm going to post something on Indiegogo, a crowdsourced project for trying to become a pro-gamer. I could play League of Legends 24/7 and beat all comers, but I need about 15 grand UK to do it. It won't work but I need to do something to pass the time and it may be interesting.
Right now, the rest of this Banshee episode, some sleep, and then think on when I'm not so damn tired...
I got it into my head to go to Meltdown London, an eSports bar located in North London close to where I live and the only [or so I hear] eSports bar in the UK.
Unfortunately the bar lived up to my expectations, and for those who don't know me you should know my expectations of anything are never very high.
Ordinary pubs are filled with tables before a bar that runs down one wall of each floor, with maybe a stage on the other wall or in a corner for bands and similar.
eSports requires computers and consoles, which require desks and chairs, and generally speaking gaming houses, internet cafes, etc. look something like offices.
Meltdown London fails in both categories because it doesn't have enough seats and tables to qualify as a pub, though there's enough space for dancing, and it has only a handful of PC's and a few consoles, so take out the bar and that's most of my peer geek's and nerd's personal equipment setup.
I gave it it's chance though because I wanted to see some eSports, play some League of Legends [I still haven't gotten a new PC or Laptop yet due to my delayed application to the police service], and maybe even meet some geeky nerdy women who would like my well exercised bod and cute face.
I arrived, in pain due to overdoing the gym yesterday, didn't buy any drinks on the basis that I was there to see not to drink, played a couple of League of Legends matches [a 3/0 Fiora and a 7/3 Rammus if it matters, which isn't bad for my first matches in > 6 months], and waited for a League of Legends tournament to start about an hour or two after I arrived.
The tournament was bullshit. I worked that out after the rules were explained. Guy took a deck of cards, shuffled them, and drew one. Depending on the type - Spades, Hearts, whatever - a ruleset would then be imposed on the 2 person team and their opponents. The rule sets included playing with an upside down monitor and playing with one player holding the mouse and the other the keyboard. I was expecting actual skillful play, even drunk playing but still actual gameplay, not the day the special needs kids got let loose in the internet cafe.
I left when it became apparent that there was a ratio of 3 girls to about 25 guys, and they were taken, the tournament was bullshit, and the only other thing that a misanthrope geek could get out of being in the "eSports" pub when the free PC's were occupied with bullshit tournament was watching League of Legends on the live feed screens, except I had no clue what was going on because the resolution was too low to make out the minimaps and there was no sound so no commentary.
I left, my muscles screaming in agony, bought some pain killers, crisps and kidney bean chilli, got in, ate all three on bread, and watched some Banshee.
Then I spent some time wondering how to become a professional eSports player of League of Legends and a few other games you just don't win when playing against me.
Turns out there is no information anywhere online about the actual process. There's lots of vague advice for...well...HUMANS, along the lines of "You need to be determined and really want it and say goodbye to your social life, blah, blah, blah" which isn't an issue for a creature like me who barely qualifies as a human being.
In short it's 00:45 on a Saturday morning, I've spent several hours realizing I'm surrounded by morons, wishing I had about 1/5th my intelligence so I could fit in with the rest of the idiots who dominate the world, and trying to workout what the fuck I can do with my life other than end it via suicide seeing as no one gives a shit that I exist.
I don't care about very much. When I do care I run into events like the five major fuckups I've had in the past five months. I can't relate to anyone else, even when I go into places which are meant to be designed for people who love the same shit I do. And although I could be a major asset to a great many enterprises no one believes it or will look twice at me.
I'm stuck. I need to work. I want to be productive. But the world doesn't give a shit.
Tomorrow I'm going to post something on Indiegogo, a crowdsourced project for trying to become a pro-gamer. I could play League of Legends 24/7 and beat all comers, but I need about 15 grand UK to do it. It won't work but I need to do something to pass the time and it may be interesting.
Right now, the rest of this Banshee episode, some sleep, and then think on when I'm not so damn tired...
16/12/2014
And That's Five...
Tuesday morning, 00:11am, haven't eaten a good meal in three days, the Job Center haven't processed my claim for job seekers allowance this week and I didn't get the £120.00 I should receive every two weeks on Monday, incidentally on the same week my debit transactions are delayed, my account is over-overdrawn and my bank are stacking charges for every day I don't receive my JSA.
I should get £140.00 by the way but a borough where I used to live is taking £20.00 of it in repayment for Housing Benefit I received, spent on rent like you're supposed to, but couldn't prove that's what I did it with it.
I hate my life. Just hate it. Everything always goes wrong, but not just wrong, but wrong in a way I can't fix that interacts with other bullshit situations to make it even worse.
I should get £140.00 every two weeks, and don't because even though I told the truth they called me a liar.
But I don't.
I should have gotten £120.00 yesterday morning, like I've been getting for months, been able to pay my rent, go food shopping, and see to my Doctors Medical forms to finalize my job application/offer with the London Metropolitan Police service.
But I didn't.
I should have been told how much money I had when I checked my account last week so firstly I wouldn't have overspent and could've afforded food, and secondly wouldn't have run over my overdraft limit and end up paying twice my monthly bank fees next month.
But I didn't.
I should have gotten my medical forms like everyone else has theirs and gotten into full time paid police training by now and not be worrying about being able to feed myself.
But I didn't.
How the bloody fuck can I play this game of life when the dealer keeps cheating and taking everything I have?
I knew this would happen when I transferred my claim from where I was living to here you know. I knew there would be an issue which would result in my claim not going through and I wouldn't receive my money. I just didn't see it happening when I was over-overdrawn and starving, and for it to occur two months after my claim was transferred.
Fuckup number 5: my Job Seekers Allowance doesn't get paid. I called them four times today, from 10:00, to firstly find out why it hadn't been paid, and secondly what I could do to sort it out so I would receive it before midnight tonight. The forth time, thirty minuets before the job center closed, they told me that it would be in my account before midnight. It's 00:24 now, and it isn't. So tomorrow morning at 09:00 I go back to the Job Center and ask them to find out, and they won't be able to tell me and I spend another day asking and being told to wait whilst they find out.
I'm just trying to get into full time paid work. Why does the world keep fucking me over like this? What the hell did I do to deserve this kind of punishment? Always hungry, or bored, or waiting on someone else for weeks to do something they'd do for anyone else in a day or two.
Why am I always fucked?
I should get £140.00 by the way but a borough where I used to live is taking £20.00 of it in repayment for Housing Benefit I received, spent on rent like you're supposed to, but couldn't prove that's what I did it with it.
I hate my life. Just hate it. Everything always goes wrong, but not just wrong, but wrong in a way I can't fix that interacts with other bullshit situations to make it even worse.
I should get £140.00 every two weeks, and don't because even though I told the truth they called me a liar.
But I don't.
I should have gotten £120.00 yesterday morning, like I've been getting for months, been able to pay my rent, go food shopping, and see to my Doctors Medical forms to finalize my job application/offer with the London Metropolitan Police service.
But I didn't.
I should have been told how much money I had when I checked my account last week so firstly I wouldn't have overspent and could've afforded food, and secondly wouldn't have run over my overdraft limit and end up paying twice my monthly bank fees next month.
But I didn't.
I should have gotten my medical forms like everyone else has theirs and gotten into full time paid police training by now and not be worrying about being able to feed myself.
But I didn't.
How the bloody fuck can I play this game of life when the dealer keeps cheating and taking everything I have?
I knew this would happen when I transferred my claim from where I was living to here you know. I knew there would be an issue which would result in my claim not going through and I wouldn't receive my money. I just didn't see it happening when I was over-overdrawn and starving, and for it to occur two months after my claim was transferred.
Fuckup number 5: my Job Seekers Allowance doesn't get paid. I called them four times today, from 10:00, to firstly find out why it hadn't been paid, and secondly what I could do to sort it out so I would receive it before midnight tonight. The forth time, thirty minuets before the job center closed, they told me that it would be in my account before midnight. It's 00:24 now, and it isn't. So tomorrow morning at 09:00 I go back to the Job Center and ask them to find out, and they won't be able to tell me and I spend another day asking and being told to wait whilst they find out.
I'm just trying to get into full time paid work. Why does the world keep fucking me over like this? What the hell did I do to deserve this kind of punishment? Always hungry, or bored, or waiting on someone else for weeks to do something they'd do for anyone else in a day or two.
Why am I always fucked?
10/12/2014
The Forth Time...
So apparently I'm now blogging monthly. If I had left this until tomorrow it would've been to the day too.
Today is Wednesday, I feel slightly fried from the gym and my stomach isn't precisely thrilled to belong to me at the moment, which is either the caffeine or the wholegrain cheese n salad baguette I ate last night and pooped all of this morning.
Currently sitting in a hostel's common room I've been staying in for several weeks now listening to some Papa Roach and trying to find something to do with myself for the next four weeks whilst waiting on a medical form to finalize my application to the Met Police in London.
The title of this post is because you can add to the list of fuckups in my application to the police:
It's a four page fucking document, and apparently there isn't someone who can go to fucking filing, pluck out the forms, and send them to my fucking doctors.
Since it's started averaging 5 degrees here in London I joined Puregym for around 23 quid a month and started hitting the weights so I can regain some of my old muscle strength [used to be able to lift around 80kgs on a single arm] and not go running in freezing cold air and damage my lungs.
I've started to gain weight now after a couple of weeks in screaming pain, when I wasn't hopped up on pain killers, from the muscle taring [long time unexercised muscle tissue hurts like fuck when you when you first hit the gym] and my recovery time has dropped from more than a week down to a few days.
The downside of this, as I knew would happen, is that the constant lack of energy and presence of pain is making me more aggressive, and whereas last time I alternated between working out and playing League of Legends and had an outlet for major angeries, what I've got this time is alternating between working out and being fucking pissed at the last six months of world class fuckups.
I've sorted out the issues with the job center [my current adviser, a new lady in a different borough, leaves me to get on with it and just has me sign on, which is nice] so all I've got to do is record a few jobs per day and keep checking for the medical form.
I wake up, I set up my crappy toy PC, I play some Hearthstone over breakfast, I hit the gym if able, and watch TV. Been at that for about two weeks now, and as it's December I won't be starting with the police until the new year even if I handed the form in today.
Anywhere between a month to two months with nothing but gym and watching TV, at the end of which I should have my medical forms and a paid training start date with the coppers and can finally shitcan by benefits claim.
Woo-fucking-hoo. This is assuming I don't get so bored I walk into traffic, or even more fun, the MPS have shitcanned my application because it's taken more than six months to get my certification and medical forms sorted [at which point I will be explaining, very politely, where they can shove it and just how far it can go, and I'm not even kidding because the shit I've gone through here is...it reads like a fucking joke really, a bad joke].
...I'm fine. Sitting around bored off my ass with no money but with TV and a PC able run MS Word and Firefox with a fully stocked pantry and a gym subscription...well...it could be worst, gods know it could be worse...
What else?
Well, women I guess. Last week, in the span of 2-3 days I had four women make a run at me.
The most notable of these is the receptionist of the hostel I'm staying in. She has the total hots for me for some reason and has made a point to hint that a] she's interested and b] very single. She's as sexy as fuck, this 5.7 brunet from California with a unique voice who slinks around the hostel like a cat. The issue, as there always is one, is however that she smokes, is technophobic [uses a Mac, ewww], and has no self-confidence.
First she said she couldn't concentrate when serving me, then went mute in a nervous way, and then spent some time staring at me and hanging around me whilst I used my PC in the common room, and then had a loud conversation with a friend about how she was single and lonely.
Why can't girls just come and actually introduce themselves and talk to me like I'm a real human being for crying out loud?
Anyway, I don't think it ever occurred to her that the issue is that she smokes. I mean, her personally is totally wrong for me too really, but I don't need to look further than the smoking.
Out of the other three, two were smokers, one dressed sexy and hung around and may have been a coincidence, and the other stared at me after she caught me staring at the other one's ass [black body stocking man, it was hard not to] but I knew she smoked so, NOPE.
The forth didn't even try to be subtle, she just saw me brushing my teeth on the top floor bathrooms of the hostel, stripped naked and went to the toilets, then asked me the time whilst giving me the full frontal view. Not subtle, highly arousing, major ego boost, but like most gentlemen this approach doesn't work with me. I'm not losing my virginity to a women I don't know the name of in a hostel toilet.
At this point I'm wondering precisely how sexy women must rate me to keep trying this stuff on. I mean, wouldn't you start to wonder where you rate on the scale of physical appeal when so many women keep throwing themselves at you hoping to stick?
Shame none of them are my breed really. I'm a geek, a nerd, and an introvert, and an intellectual, whilst the exercise is just a coincidence. Give me one of my kind who doesn't smoke and I'd be all over that like butter on bread. Even even if she wasn't exceptionally minded, even if she wasn't as mad for exercise, hell, even if she was a music nerd instead of into games, I wouldn't mind someone like that, but these girls...meh. I refuse to date a bloody smoker, and beyond sex these girls couldn't offer me anything on a mental level much less understand me.
Fucking sucks.
I think I've probably mentioned this is previous posts, that I was using Reddit, an online forum, for fun. That's over and finished now, because of the same old issues I've got with forums; users and moderators.
Some time ago I picked up an online stalker who was following my account around the subreddits, posting vicious and hate filled comments after my posts, who then moved onto quoting my posts out of context on subreddits like 'I Am Very Smart' and declaring that the joke or sarcasm I posted was serious in order to taunt me.
Eventually I got his accounts deleted by the administration of the website after I made new accounts to try to lose him, he found those, and then made more than a dozen alternatives to continue stalking me, a few of which were banned from subreddits [you get all your accounts removed if you try to make new accounts to dodge subreddit bans].
What caused me to delete my own accounts and leave the site is that I was getting bored with all the 'I'm so in love' and 'How is your day' posts on Casual Conversation [one of the few subreddits I found enjoyable to read daily], then someone posts 'I'm 22 and think I'll be forever alone'. Being epically tired from the gym, it 2am, and the guy being a moron I called him an idiot.
So a mod then issues me with a warning, and instead of saying 'Whoops, so sorry old boy, won't happen again', I asked him to define what one of the two subreddit rules 'Respect Others' means. After 3-4 back and forth pms between myself and the mods, their replies being something like 'Shut up or go away' they banned me for refusing to following subreddit rules, which I wasn't, it's just 'Respect others' is very badly defined and I was asking why I can't call idiots stupid.
Anyway, I reported this to the website's admin and said so, and then a few of the mods [they had recruited some new ones] got together, searched my post history and IP, found some comments like 'Your dog sucks' and the alt accounts I had, and then said that I was violating rules and that I would get an IP ban from the site for evading subreddit bans [this was after they banned me from Casual Conversation].
The comments were actually replies to someone bitching about their own pet and my agreement with their sentiment [they didn't bother to read the entire conversation and were witch hunting] and my alt accounts were made weeks/months ago to dodge my cyberstalker [they didn't/couldn't check the account creation dates]. It was at this point I thought What the fuck am I doing here? and closed the browser and went to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized that I'm arguing with witchhunting authority complex syndrome online forum moderators because I called someone who was bitching about being forever alone at 22 years old a fucking moron...I might be insane but I'm not that stupid, then I deleted the accounts without reading any replies.
If you have any kind of intelligence just don't use online communication forums. Either you end up arguing with pond scum or you end up on the receiving end of people who find it easier to suspend and ban accounts than discuss subjects like human beings.
Now, I'm becoming a police officer, a moderator for the real world, and if I see shit like the above I swear to whatever god or gods there might be that I will arrest my own colleges before letting that shit go down. FUCK.
So whats next seeing as I've got all this free time and just blew up my best timesink?
I was thinking of doing some computer games design. I've got a thesis document on the subject in production which I can add to, and I've dug out my old camera demo and can rework that on a data processing level [no graphics because this toy laptop can't process that much] for proof of theory.
It's a way to pass the time until I get the medical forms. Plus I seriously considering finding some temp work to do over Christmas. You never know, someone might give me something and I can use the money to get a laptop able to run League of Legends and spend Christmas and New Years playing the upgraded Summoners Rift. It's a dream, lol. I'd give pretty much anything to be playing that right now...
Asides from that, sit on top of my personal heater and write or watch TV, go to the gym when able, and keep checking for the forms until they arrive, and then see if my application is still valid.
I might look into what other policing qualifications and I can get whilst I'm sitting around, like first aid or maybe a Certificate in Policing [the one I have is Basic Policing see] which should give me more cred when I get into uniform. We'll see what's what.
As I say, feeling kinda sick and kinda hungry so first thing is some House M.D. and cheese n tuna salad I think...I've no clue, really zero idea how, but I really would like to get laid before the end of the year. Just got to find a non-smoking attractive geeky nerd in the vicinity who doesn't mind a guy with no money and anger issues, lol, easy.
Final thought: Papa Roach fucking kicks ass.
Today is Wednesday, I feel slightly fried from the gym and my stomach isn't precisely thrilled to belong to me at the moment, which is either the caffeine or the wholegrain cheese n salad baguette I ate last night and pooped all of this morning.
Currently sitting in a hostel's common room I've been staying in for several weeks now listening to some Papa Roach and trying to find something to do with myself for the next four weeks whilst waiting on a medical form to finalize my application to the Met Police in London.
The title of this post is because you can add to the list of fuckups in my application to the police:
- Medical forms, which should take all of a few days of wait time if you drop off a medical questionnaire with a doctor, taking more than a month to be returned to me because firstly I had to register with a new doctors [after trying to college the forms from my old doctors and being told I had been registered so there was nothing they could do for me] and secondly order new forms and getting told that either a] I could wait for my medical records to come through from their information warehouse and submit the form [3 day turn around] or b] request that the medical form [4 pages] is faxed/emailed to my doctors from my medical records. I opted for B because the form is already signed and they said it'd be quicker, but a month later I'm still waiting for it.
- Chest infection plus awake for more than 24 hours plus no food plus bitch of a fitness examiner during my fitness test who bullied me in front of everyone else, probably because she assumed I had been out drinking instead of ill and studying for a policing exam.
- Broken PC and an idiot college which wouldn't allow me to use their ICT resources to do their entirely online college course which resulted in me having to use my eight year old iPhone [which has since been fucking stolen btw].
- The Job Center putting me on an 'Employability Skills Course' which in combination with living on the other side of London resulted in two individual failures to finish the resit exams, themselves generated by fuckup number two.
It's a four page fucking document, and apparently there isn't someone who can go to fucking filing, pluck out the forms, and send them to my fucking doctors.
Since it's started averaging 5 degrees here in London I joined Puregym for around 23 quid a month and started hitting the weights so I can regain some of my old muscle strength [used to be able to lift around 80kgs on a single arm] and not go running in freezing cold air and damage my lungs.
I've started to gain weight now after a couple of weeks in screaming pain, when I wasn't hopped up on pain killers, from the muscle taring [long time unexercised muscle tissue hurts like fuck when you when you first hit the gym] and my recovery time has dropped from more than a week down to a few days.
The downside of this, as I knew would happen, is that the constant lack of energy and presence of pain is making me more aggressive, and whereas last time I alternated between working out and playing League of Legends and had an outlet for major angeries, what I've got this time is alternating between working out and being fucking pissed at the last six months of world class fuckups.
I've sorted out the issues with the job center [my current adviser, a new lady in a different borough, leaves me to get on with it and just has me sign on, which is nice] so all I've got to do is record a few jobs per day and keep checking for the medical form.
I wake up, I set up my crappy toy PC, I play some Hearthstone over breakfast, I hit the gym if able, and watch TV. Been at that for about two weeks now, and as it's December I won't be starting with the police until the new year even if I handed the form in today.
Anywhere between a month to two months with nothing but gym and watching TV, at the end of which I should have my medical forms and a paid training start date with the coppers and can finally shitcan by benefits claim.
Woo-fucking-hoo. This is assuming I don't get so bored I walk into traffic, or even more fun, the MPS have shitcanned my application because it's taken more than six months to get my certification and medical forms sorted [at which point I will be explaining, very politely, where they can shove it and just how far it can go, and I'm not even kidding because the shit I've gone through here is...it reads like a fucking joke really, a bad joke].
...I'm fine. Sitting around bored off my ass with no money but with TV and a PC able run MS Word and Firefox with a fully stocked pantry and a gym subscription...well...it could be worst, gods know it could be worse...
What else?
Well, women I guess. Last week, in the span of 2-3 days I had four women make a run at me.
The most notable of these is the receptionist of the hostel I'm staying in. She has the total hots for me for some reason and has made a point to hint that a] she's interested and b] very single. She's as sexy as fuck, this 5.7 brunet from California with a unique voice who slinks around the hostel like a cat. The issue, as there always is one, is however that she smokes, is technophobic [uses a Mac, ewww], and has no self-confidence.
First she said she couldn't concentrate when serving me, then went mute in a nervous way, and then spent some time staring at me and hanging around me whilst I used my PC in the common room, and then had a loud conversation with a friend about how she was single and lonely.
Why can't girls just come and actually introduce themselves and talk to me like I'm a real human being for crying out loud?
Anyway, I don't think it ever occurred to her that the issue is that she smokes. I mean, her personally is totally wrong for me too really, but I don't need to look further than the smoking.
Out of the other three, two were smokers, one dressed sexy and hung around and may have been a coincidence, and the other stared at me after she caught me staring at the other one's ass [black body stocking man, it was hard not to] but I knew she smoked so, NOPE.
The forth didn't even try to be subtle, she just saw me brushing my teeth on the top floor bathrooms of the hostel, stripped naked and went to the toilets, then asked me the time whilst giving me the full frontal view. Not subtle, highly arousing, major ego boost, but like most gentlemen this approach doesn't work with me. I'm not losing my virginity to a women I don't know the name of in a hostel toilet.
At this point I'm wondering precisely how sexy women must rate me to keep trying this stuff on. I mean, wouldn't you start to wonder where you rate on the scale of physical appeal when so many women keep throwing themselves at you hoping to stick?
Shame none of them are my breed really. I'm a geek, a nerd, and an introvert, and an intellectual, whilst the exercise is just a coincidence. Give me one of my kind who doesn't smoke and I'd be all over that like butter on bread. Even even if she wasn't exceptionally minded, even if she wasn't as mad for exercise, hell, even if she was a music nerd instead of into games, I wouldn't mind someone like that, but these girls...meh. I refuse to date a bloody smoker, and beyond sex these girls couldn't offer me anything on a mental level much less understand me.
Fucking sucks.
I think I've probably mentioned this is previous posts, that I was using Reddit, an online forum, for fun. That's over and finished now, because of the same old issues I've got with forums; users and moderators.
Some time ago I picked up an online stalker who was following my account around the subreddits, posting vicious and hate filled comments after my posts, who then moved onto quoting my posts out of context on subreddits like 'I Am Very Smart' and declaring that the joke or sarcasm I posted was serious in order to taunt me.
Eventually I got his accounts deleted by the administration of the website after I made new accounts to try to lose him, he found those, and then made more than a dozen alternatives to continue stalking me, a few of which were banned from subreddits [you get all your accounts removed if you try to make new accounts to dodge subreddit bans].
What caused me to delete my own accounts and leave the site is that I was getting bored with all the 'I'm so in love' and 'How is your day' posts on Casual Conversation [one of the few subreddits I found enjoyable to read daily], then someone posts 'I'm 22 and think I'll be forever alone'. Being epically tired from the gym, it 2am, and the guy being a moron I called him an idiot.
So a mod then issues me with a warning, and instead of saying 'Whoops, so sorry old boy, won't happen again', I asked him to define what one of the two subreddit rules 'Respect Others' means. After 3-4 back and forth pms between myself and the mods, their replies being something like 'Shut up or go away' they banned me for refusing to following subreddit rules, which I wasn't, it's just 'Respect others' is very badly defined and I was asking why I can't call idiots stupid.
Anyway, I reported this to the website's admin and said so, and then a few of the mods [they had recruited some new ones] got together, searched my post history and IP, found some comments like 'Your dog sucks' and the alt accounts I had, and then said that I was violating rules and that I would get an IP ban from the site for evading subreddit bans [this was after they banned me from Casual Conversation].
The comments were actually replies to someone bitching about their own pet and my agreement with their sentiment [they didn't bother to read the entire conversation and were witch hunting] and my alt accounts were made weeks/months ago to dodge my cyberstalker [they didn't/couldn't check the account creation dates]. It was at this point I thought What the fuck am I doing here? and closed the browser and went to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized that I'm arguing with witchhunting authority complex syndrome online forum moderators because I called someone who was bitching about being forever alone at 22 years old a fucking moron...I might be insane but I'm not that stupid, then I deleted the accounts without reading any replies.
If you have any kind of intelligence just don't use online communication forums. Either you end up arguing with pond scum or you end up on the receiving end of people who find it easier to suspend and ban accounts than discuss subjects like human beings.
Now, I'm becoming a police officer, a moderator for the real world, and if I see shit like the above I swear to whatever god or gods there might be that I will arrest my own colleges before letting that shit go down. FUCK.
So whats next seeing as I've got all this free time and just blew up my best timesink?
I was thinking of doing some computer games design. I've got a thesis document on the subject in production which I can add to, and I've dug out my old camera demo and can rework that on a data processing level [no graphics because this toy laptop can't process that much] for proof of theory.
It's a way to pass the time until I get the medical forms. Plus I seriously considering finding some temp work to do over Christmas. You never know, someone might give me something and I can use the money to get a laptop able to run League of Legends and spend Christmas and New Years playing the upgraded Summoners Rift. It's a dream, lol. I'd give pretty much anything to be playing that right now...
Asides from that, sit on top of my personal heater and write or watch TV, go to the gym when able, and keep checking for the forms until they arrive, and then see if my application is still valid.
I might look into what other policing qualifications and I can get whilst I'm sitting around, like first aid or maybe a Certificate in Policing [the one I have is Basic Policing see] which should give me more cred when I get into uniform. We'll see what's what.
As I say, feeling kinda sick and kinda hungry so first thing is some House M.D. and cheese n tuna salad I think...I've no clue, really zero idea how, but I really would like to get laid before the end of the year. Just got to find a non-smoking attractive geeky nerd in the vicinity who doesn't mind a guy with no money and anger issues, lol, easy.
Final thought: Papa Roach fucking kicks ass.
11/11/2014
Gone But Not Forgotten...
Halo thar. Been busy doing nothing very much. In all accuracy.
Since my last post I played way more Hearthstone than I should, sorted out my JSA claim to this area, sorted out my HB claim to this hostel, and booked this hostel for the time being consecutively so my accommodation is all but stable.
No real issues. I provided the right information to each relevent agency and party and, apart from a 9am phone call for some putz at the housing benefits office asking me to confirm what was fucking outlined on the fucking receipts I printed out and checked in, everything was swapped over without anything being dropped, especially not a payment, so I didn't have to chase it.
Well, my JSA was slow to come through and I did have to chase that, but I got it sorted out in hours on the day of so no worries. Going to sign on tomorrow and I don't see any issues.
Took a resit exam for my Certificate in Basic Policing Course. Apparently I don't need to do all 17 outstanding questions in one sitting but I do need to do a paper in one sitting. So what I did was 3 questions total, of two different papers, and passed them both, found out today, last Saturday.
I didn't just do all 17 because I spent, and yes I know I'm a damn fool, about two weeks writing games design and playing Hearthstone, then worked up the morale to actually do revision of the material about a day or so before hand.
Stayed awake for 25 hours to get to the exam, ran out of cash so didn't eat for 12 hours, and didn't have the monies for transport so I had to walk for 4 hours to get there.
The four hour walk back...no words to describe how much that fucking hurt. Got into the hostel and just collapsed onto a bench and fell asleep. Took it's now Tuesday and I feel somewhat normal for the first time since.
Essentially the world has stopped being an unfair place that likes to torture me, so I'm now, like a fucking sadist, doing it to myself.
I take full responsibility for it. I should've revised. I should've kept money back. I should've gotten a good nights sleep, arrived, done all 17, and now be smug I passed. And I paid for it. Saturday hurt more than I have in YEARS, no exercise, no trauma, nothing has hurt that much. Yeesh.
Tutor said he could do Thursday so I'm going in to do some more of the papers. 14 questions remaining and 1.5 days to revise.
And I'm not doing it.
Why?
Morale issues basically. I know I should do it, I know things will be better once it's done, and I want to be a policeman, but...meh...
Can't remember if I posted it before but all the crap I've been through up till now just piled on me and that last issue with the job center, the insult, the patronization, the fucking stupidity of it...that's what I'm fighting.
I'm fighting 'Fuck This'. I'm trying to make myself give a damn when it matters, when I've got time, to do the work and finish. To end it. To get my prize at last...
I did it at the end of last week. I'm sure I'll pull my shit together tomorrow.
I know I want to be a policemen though because I love it. I love sitting in this hostel, seeing someone break a pool que and try to hide it, reporting it to the hostel staff and being thanked for it. I love the authority. I love the creeping stealthy predator nature of it. I want to be a policeman and hunt criminals. It's just this part which is killing me...
About the only other thing currently happening right now is, once again, sexual bullshit.
Receptionist in the hostel I'm staying. Cute and slinky lil bint, very nice ass, who get's flustered when I talk to her, checks me out, and is trying to get me to talk to her. Issue? She smokes, and I have a policy.
Third girl I've ever been interested in who smoked. Two were way back when I lived in Oxfordshire and worked in a pub, and this would be the third. One said she loved me, went on date with the second but nothing happened, and this one is lovely but I don't date smokers and thats the end of it.
Like I said last time, I don't have time or headspace for this bullshit but I still want sex. The fact that she smokes makes it 2 to 1 in the negative, but that 1 is about 5 times bigger than the other two combined.
Fucking humanity man. Fucking smoking too.
Downloading League of Legends on this toy laptop I'm using. The recommended specs are way above this 1.5GHz piece of shit, but I can run Hearthstone and want to see if at minimum settings it can manage to run it anyway. Likewise with Visual Studio and Photoshop, which I need for testing and adding graphics to my games design documentation.
That's coming along well too. Written about 10,000 words so far and barely gotten started. Get these exams out of the way and, apart from some general revision of the material I should probably do before getting into training, I should be able to up that by a few 10's of thousands with a Bestiary and racial definitions.
On series five of Boardwalk Empire. It's a period drama of 1920's prohibition in Atlanta, USA. Just my sort of show too. Intrigue plus lots of violence and a central protagonist who is bad ass because of his wit and intellect. An old time Raymond 'Red' Reddington [The Blacklist]. Speaking of, I'm loving The Blacklist at the moment as well. Just coming to the end of the whole Berlin plotline. G fucking G ending.
Kinda built a sexual thing for Megan Boone who plays agent Keen too. Downloaded, late, The Fappening via torrents some time ago, and checked for her name in there after they showed her in her panties during a scene. Fucking excellent bootie on that women, and there's nudes of her on a bed in one of the volumes of The Fap.
Emily Bett Rickards [more like Emily BUTT Rickards], who played Felicity Smoak in Arrow is fucking gorgeous too. Showed her in PJs in last weeks episode and there couldn't have been a person who's attracted to women watching that who wouldn't have liked her to lose them.
Eliza Taylor in The 100 as well. FUCK.
Series 2 of The 100, the show picked up in quality and they finally explained how the Skypeople and the Grounders survive both the radiation on the ground and the trip from living in space to living on the ground without suffering from all sorts of illnesses. People who're raised their entire lives in bubbles, like space stations, should not have ability to live on Earth in a tropical rainforest. That really did annoy me when watching S01. And at the start of S02 they did nothing but explain how that happened in an acceptable way. And generally the story telling is several times better than it was.
Eliza Taylor though. That women has gotten all kinds of fucking gorgeous in S02. Character aside, who thinks something like me which is way attractive, she's the same age as me but seems to have hit the gym or something because it's so hard not to imagine her totally butt naked when watching that show. YEESH.
Anyway, new ep of The Blacklist has finished downloading so I'm gonna go watch it and eat dinner. Revise after. That's what I should be doing.
Tomorrow, sign on, revise, and get to the college on Thursday in good order...yeah...that's what's going to happen...sure... O_O
...have a good one.
Since my last post I played way more Hearthstone than I should, sorted out my JSA claim to this area, sorted out my HB claim to this hostel, and booked this hostel for the time being consecutively so my accommodation is all but stable.
No real issues. I provided the right information to each relevent agency and party and, apart from a 9am phone call for some putz at the housing benefits office asking me to confirm what was fucking outlined on the fucking receipts I printed out and checked in, everything was swapped over without anything being dropped, especially not a payment, so I didn't have to chase it.
Well, my JSA was slow to come through and I did have to chase that, but I got it sorted out in hours on the day of so no worries. Going to sign on tomorrow and I don't see any issues.
Took a resit exam for my Certificate in Basic Policing Course. Apparently I don't need to do all 17 outstanding questions in one sitting but I do need to do a paper in one sitting. So what I did was 3 questions total, of two different papers, and passed them both, found out today, last Saturday.
I didn't just do all 17 because I spent, and yes I know I'm a damn fool, about two weeks writing games design and playing Hearthstone, then worked up the morale to actually do revision of the material about a day or so before hand.
Stayed awake for 25 hours to get to the exam, ran out of cash so didn't eat for 12 hours, and didn't have the monies for transport so I had to walk for 4 hours to get there.
The four hour walk back...no words to describe how much that fucking hurt. Got into the hostel and just collapsed onto a bench and fell asleep. Took it's now Tuesday and I feel somewhat normal for the first time since.
Essentially the world has stopped being an unfair place that likes to torture me, so I'm now, like a fucking sadist, doing it to myself.
I take full responsibility for it. I should've revised. I should've kept money back. I should've gotten a good nights sleep, arrived, done all 17, and now be smug I passed. And I paid for it. Saturday hurt more than I have in YEARS, no exercise, no trauma, nothing has hurt that much. Yeesh.
Tutor said he could do Thursday so I'm going in to do some more of the papers. 14 questions remaining and 1.5 days to revise.
And I'm not doing it.
Why?
Morale issues basically. I know I should do it, I know things will be better once it's done, and I want to be a policeman, but...meh...
Can't remember if I posted it before but all the crap I've been through up till now just piled on me and that last issue with the job center, the insult, the patronization, the fucking stupidity of it...that's what I'm fighting.
I'm fighting 'Fuck This'. I'm trying to make myself give a damn when it matters, when I've got time, to do the work and finish. To end it. To get my prize at last...
I did it at the end of last week. I'm sure I'll pull my shit together tomorrow.
I know I want to be a policemen though because I love it. I love sitting in this hostel, seeing someone break a pool que and try to hide it, reporting it to the hostel staff and being thanked for it. I love the authority. I love the creeping stealthy predator nature of it. I want to be a policeman and hunt criminals. It's just this part which is killing me...
About the only other thing currently happening right now is, once again, sexual bullshit.
Receptionist in the hostel I'm staying. Cute and slinky lil bint, very nice ass, who get's flustered when I talk to her, checks me out, and is trying to get me to talk to her. Issue? She smokes, and I have a policy.
Third girl I've ever been interested in who smoked. Two were way back when I lived in Oxfordshire and worked in a pub, and this would be the third. One said she loved me, went on date with the second but nothing happened, and this one is lovely but I don't date smokers and thats the end of it.
Like I said last time, I don't have time or headspace for this bullshit but I still want sex. The fact that she smokes makes it 2 to 1 in the negative, but that 1 is about 5 times bigger than the other two combined.
Fucking humanity man. Fucking smoking too.
Downloading League of Legends on this toy laptop I'm using. The recommended specs are way above this 1.5GHz piece of shit, but I can run Hearthstone and want to see if at minimum settings it can manage to run it anyway. Likewise with Visual Studio and Photoshop, which I need for testing and adding graphics to my games design documentation.
That's coming along well too. Written about 10,000 words so far and barely gotten started. Get these exams out of the way and, apart from some general revision of the material I should probably do before getting into training, I should be able to up that by a few 10's of thousands with a Bestiary and racial definitions.
On series five of Boardwalk Empire. It's a period drama of 1920's prohibition in Atlanta, USA. Just my sort of show too. Intrigue plus lots of violence and a central protagonist who is bad ass because of his wit and intellect. An old time Raymond 'Red' Reddington [The Blacklist]. Speaking of, I'm loving The Blacklist at the moment as well. Just coming to the end of the whole Berlin plotline. G fucking G ending.
Kinda built a sexual thing for Megan Boone who plays agent Keen too. Downloaded, late, The Fappening via torrents some time ago, and checked for her name in there after they showed her in her panties during a scene. Fucking excellent bootie on that women, and there's nudes of her on a bed in one of the volumes of The Fap.
Emily Bett Rickards [more like Emily BUTT Rickards], who played Felicity Smoak in Arrow is fucking gorgeous too. Showed her in PJs in last weeks episode and there couldn't have been a person who's attracted to women watching that who wouldn't have liked her to lose them.
Eliza Taylor in The 100 as well. FUCK.
Series 2 of The 100, the show picked up in quality and they finally explained how the Skypeople and the Grounders survive both the radiation on the ground and the trip from living in space to living on the ground without suffering from all sorts of illnesses. People who're raised their entire lives in bubbles, like space stations, should not have ability to live on Earth in a tropical rainforest. That really did annoy me when watching S01. And at the start of S02 they did nothing but explain how that happened in an acceptable way. And generally the story telling is several times better than it was.
Eliza Taylor though. That women has gotten all kinds of fucking gorgeous in S02. Character aside, who thinks something like me which is way attractive, she's the same age as me but seems to have hit the gym or something because it's so hard not to imagine her totally butt naked when watching that show. YEESH.
Anyway, new ep of The Blacklist has finished downloading so I'm gonna go watch it and eat dinner. Revise after. That's what I should be doing.
Tomorrow, sign on, revise, and get to the college on Thursday in good order...yeah...that's what's going to happen...sure... O_O
...have a good one.
30/10/2014
All Sorted Out...
Feels like it's been a fairly
busy three or four days, but it hasn't really, it's just been a lot of
traveling interspersed by periods of heavy thinking.
…Damn…looking over my last post I was about two steps from going totally bananas. I’m doing a lot better now. It’s fine.
After I got my claim transferred to my local job centre I was removed from the full time employability skills course. This is to say that my last advisor hasn’t contacted me about not attending it and my current advisor signed me on Wednesday so providing my money is in my account on Monday then there shouldn’t be any issue.
I’ve also handed in all the evidence required to my local housing benefits office to get my claim transferred from the previous housing office to this new one. I’m not entirely happy about this as they said it would take two weeks to process and that’s more time than I have until I need the money to pay my rent at this hostel, but it’s one of those cross checks. Every time they go to pay your housing benefit they check your address with the job centre’s records, and if the two don’t match it isn’t paid.
So yeah, everyone is updated with all the evidence they need and the new job centre isn’t trying to put me on any type of employability skills program here so I have all the time I need to get my revision done for my exam on the 08/11/14.
On the other hand it’s a 50/50 bet if I’ll get my JSA on Monday and my HB on the following Monday. All I can do is get up early and check first my bank and then the offices to find out if there are any issues and if I can get the money that day because the hostel I’m staying in won’t take ‘I’ll have it in a few days’ for payment. ‘No credit’ is literally splattered across the walls of the reception area so…we’ll see what happens come Monday.
For now I’ve gotten plenty of rest, rebuilt my sanity from something like sand to, if not rock, then at least gravel, so I’m not longer giggling like a crazy thing and my left eye hasn’t twitched since I was at the housing office on Tuesday.
Still haven’t sent the bloody medical forms to the MPS. Sorting out the JSA and HB cost me too much in bus fare so there was not enough left to get to my doctors AND pay for the forms.
On the upside, this means that I’ve got plenty of cash to buy food and that with, not that I need it after a super cheap veggie run at a local Morrisons [seriously, those guys are selling veggies at ½ the cost of Sainsburys and Tescos, it’s amazing].
On the downside, I’ve told them I’ll send it to them every Monday for the past three weeks and failed every time because of costs of moving acom, and then that fucking employability skills course being three hours down the road. Next Monday I’ve got bank fees which takes away the money I need, followed the week after by the fees for my resit exam. So two weeks Monday [assuming everything remains stable] is when I’ll be able to actually fucking pay for and send them.
The fact that the forms are basically nothing more than a guy’s signature that confirms I’m in perfect health [not that the Doctor even fucking CHECKED to make sure I was] just pisses me off even more.
Anyway, point is that here and now and until Monday morning I don’t really have any issues [about four days], apart from waking up this morning feeling horrible.
I think the heat in the dorm I’m staying in messed with my thyroid or something because I spent a couple of hours radiating heat from my skin like a patio heater. Didn’t feel too bad after I went out and got a can of Monster caffeine, but you could’ve cooked a side of bacon on my bald head.
Then spent way too long playing Hearthstone after I worked out a somewhat epic build for the Hunter class and was able to get from lv20 [entry] up to lv16. Currently at lv17 because it’s more or less the luck of the fucking draw if you get a good hand or not and I tend to lose about 45% of my matches through bad hands and opponent lucky ones.
Today was the first bit of real morning relaxation I’ve had in a couple of weeks though so I earned it I think.
Just writing this and then going to grab some lunch next. After that I’m gonna add a bit more to my book on computer games design before either doing some revision, or going to have a shower and then doing revision, one of those.
I’m really liking the work I’m doing in my computer games design book actually.
I’ve structured the content in just the right way so as to explain the basic skeletal structure of computer games and then explain in detail the flesh which can be selected to hang from it for the gameplay.
It’s still in the very early stages but what I’ve done so far isn’t just correct but also right, in some fundamental way.
Still need to rewrite the introduction and things though so it’s less ‘raving madman who’s one step from committing his first homicide’ and more ‘professional erudite scholar of computer games design’.
The content still has an edge to it that implies that if you don’t understand what I’ve written then you have no fucking business designing a computer game, but hey, that’s what makes it good.
I’m no elitist, I don’t care who studied what and where, but I don’t tolerate fools and the industry is full of them.
I’ll write it. I’ll call the readers idiots on every other page. And then when said idiots take offence, I’ll enjoy [in my sick and perverted way of thriving on ‘The Fight’] laughing at their ire. I’m a fucking genius morons, and you are not. I am right, and you are wrong. Just because that’s a fact doesn’t mean you get to be angry about it.
No, it’s not the right fucking professional way to go about doing business with a lot of people, but it is the way someone abused and ignored for three decades takes his small revenge on the masses; being a passive aggressive dick whilst also being uncontestably right about everything everyone else gets wrong.
Fuck everyone. The last couple of weeks have taught me one simple fact; if I want to get anywhere in life then someone else is going to have to pay for it. In time, energy, money or simple fury, someone else is going to have to cough up if I want to rise because otherwise people will just keep shitting on me. And enough is ENOUGH.
Clawing out my insides with hunger right now so wrapping this up. Still listening to Papa Roach. Still enjoying it immensely, especially Alive [N Out of Control]. Wanna go get some exercise today but probably tomorrow because my vision just went funny [seriously fucked up morning]. Watching ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ which is surprisingly interesting for its pacing and content flashing backwards and forwards like it does.
OH: Stopped talking to that lady friend of mine. One day last week she started telling me about a friend of hers that just released a computer game into the market, and then about it’s bad reviews.
So you’re telling me, whilst I’m currently more angry than I’ve been in my entire life, about someone with the money to do the thing I’m best at in the world who released a whole actual game who fucked it up.
Yeah, we’re not friends anymore. I mean, I don’t need people, I really don’t, and at a time when I’m hating them more than usual this person stabs me in the heart without even realizing.
Plus her medical issues have gotten worse and don’t appear to be getting better any time soon. Plus after I stopped making efforts to contact her she didn’t make any effort to contact me.
I want sex. I want someone around, actually around, not just online, who can provide me real help and interaction who doesn’t piss me off. Who isn’t a fucking moron.
I don’t need it though. Hell, I don’t think right now is even the right time for that kind of thing given the work I need to get done. It’s just a distraction that messes with my head and emotions. But it’s also a base desire of being a human.
I want sex. And having someone around might be handy and make me feel good, and I can help them and care for them too.
The issue is that anything the same shape as myself causes me nothing but headaches and raised blood pressure. Humans are the enemy. There isn’t one in existence who would be a partner to me, only a trusted enemy who I would have to fucking babysit most of the time to curb their stupidity. A drag. A weight. Another problem.
It’s just the way it is. Better off alone...but I want sex.
Fucking humans man. Fuck being one too.
Anyway, getting edibles…
…Damn…looking over my last post I was about two steps from going totally bananas. I’m doing a lot better now. It’s fine.
After I got my claim transferred to my local job centre I was removed from the full time employability skills course. This is to say that my last advisor hasn’t contacted me about not attending it and my current advisor signed me on Wednesday so providing my money is in my account on Monday then there shouldn’t be any issue.
I’ve also handed in all the evidence required to my local housing benefits office to get my claim transferred from the previous housing office to this new one. I’m not entirely happy about this as they said it would take two weeks to process and that’s more time than I have until I need the money to pay my rent at this hostel, but it’s one of those cross checks. Every time they go to pay your housing benefit they check your address with the job centre’s records, and if the two don’t match it isn’t paid.
So yeah, everyone is updated with all the evidence they need and the new job centre isn’t trying to put me on any type of employability skills program here so I have all the time I need to get my revision done for my exam on the 08/11/14.
On the other hand it’s a 50/50 bet if I’ll get my JSA on Monday and my HB on the following Monday. All I can do is get up early and check first my bank and then the offices to find out if there are any issues and if I can get the money that day because the hostel I’m staying in won’t take ‘I’ll have it in a few days’ for payment. ‘No credit’ is literally splattered across the walls of the reception area so…we’ll see what happens come Monday.
For now I’ve gotten plenty of rest, rebuilt my sanity from something like sand to, if not rock, then at least gravel, so I’m not longer giggling like a crazy thing and my left eye hasn’t twitched since I was at the housing office on Tuesday.
Still haven’t sent the bloody medical forms to the MPS. Sorting out the JSA and HB cost me too much in bus fare so there was not enough left to get to my doctors AND pay for the forms.
On the upside, this means that I’ve got plenty of cash to buy food and that with, not that I need it after a super cheap veggie run at a local Morrisons [seriously, those guys are selling veggies at ½ the cost of Sainsburys and Tescos, it’s amazing].
On the downside, I’ve told them I’ll send it to them every Monday for the past three weeks and failed every time because of costs of moving acom, and then that fucking employability skills course being three hours down the road. Next Monday I’ve got bank fees which takes away the money I need, followed the week after by the fees for my resit exam. So two weeks Monday [assuming everything remains stable] is when I’ll be able to actually fucking pay for and send them.
The fact that the forms are basically nothing more than a guy’s signature that confirms I’m in perfect health [not that the Doctor even fucking CHECKED to make sure I was] just pisses me off even more.
Anyway, point is that here and now and until Monday morning I don’t really have any issues [about four days], apart from waking up this morning feeling horrible.
I think the heat in the dorm I’m staying in messed with my thyroid or something because I spent a couple of hours radiating heat from my skin like a patio heater. Didn’t feel too bad after I went out and got a can of Monster caffeine, but you could’ve cooked a side of bacon on my bald head.
Then spent way too long playing Hearthstone after I worked out a somewhat epic build for the Hunter class and was able to get from lv20 [entry] up to lv16. Currently at lv17 because it’s more or less the luck of the fucking draw if you get a good hand or not and I tend to lose about 45% of my matches through bad hands and opponent lucky ones.
Today was the first bit of real morning relaxation I’ve had in a couple of weeks though so I earned it I think.
Just writing this and then going to grab some lunch next. After that I’m gonna add a bit more to my book on computer games design before either doing some revision, or going to have a shower and then doing revision, one of those.
I’m really liking the work I’m doing in my computer games design book actually.
I’ve structured the content in just the right way so as to explain the basic skeletal structure of computer games and then explain in detail the flesh which can be selected to hang from it for the gameplay.
It’s still in the very early stages but what I’ve done so far isn’t just correct but also right, in some fundamental way.
Still need to rewrite the introduction and things though so it’s less ‘raving madman who’s one step from committing his first homicide’ and more ‘professional erudite scholar of computer games design’.
The content still has an edge to it that implies that if you don’t understand what I’ve written then you have no fucking business designing a computer game, but hey, that’s what makes it good.
I’m no elitist, I don’t care who studied what and where, but I don’t tolerate fools and the industry is full of them.
I’ll write it. I’ll call the readers idiots on every other page. And then when said idiots take offence, I’ll enjoy [in my sick and perverted way of thriving on ‘The Fight’] laughing at their ire. I’m a fucking genius morons, and you are not. I am right, and you are wrong. Just because that’s a fact doesn’t mean you get to be angry about it.
No, it’s not the right fucking professional way to go about doing business with a lot of people, but it is the way someone abused and ignored for three decades takes his small revenge on the masses; being a passive aggressive dick whilst also being uncontestably right about everything everyone else gets wrong.
Fuck everyone. The last couple of weeks have taught me one simple fact; if I want to get anywhere in life then someone else is going to have to pay for it. In time, energy, money or simple fury, someone else is going to have to cough up if I want to rise because otherwise people will just keep shitting on me. And enough is ENOUGH.
Clawing out my insides with hunger right now so wrapping this up. Still listening to Papa Roach. Still enjoying it immensely, especially Alive [N Out of Control]. Wanna go get some exercise today but probably tomorrow because my vision just went funny [seriously fucked up morning]. Watching ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ which is surprisingly interesting for its pacing and content flashing backwards and forwards like it does.
OH: Stopped talking to that lady friend of mine. One day last week she started telling me about a friend of hers that just released a computer game into the market, and then about it’s bad reviews.
So you’re telling me, whilst I’m currently more angry than I’ve been in my entire life, about someone with the money to do the thing I’m best at in the world who released a whole actual game who fucked it up.
Yeah, we’re not friends anymore. I mean, I don’t need people, I really don’t, and at a time when I’m hating them more than usual this person stabs me in the heart without even realizing.
Plus her medical issues have gotten worse and don’t appear to be getting better any time soon. Plus after I stopped making efforts to contact her she didn’t make any effort to contact me.
I want sex. I want someone around, actually around, not just online, who can provide me real help and interaction who doesn’t piss me off. Who isn’t a fucking moron.
I don’t need it though. Hell, I don’t think right now is even the right time for that kind of thing given the work I need to get done. It’s just a distraction that messes with my head and emotions. But it’s also a base desire of being a human.
I want sex. And having someone around might be handy and make me feel good, and I can help them and care for them too.
The issue is that anything the same shape as myself causes me nothing but headaches and raised blood pressure. Humans are the enemy. There isn’t one in existence who would be a partner to me, only a trusted enemy who I would have to fucking babysit most of the time to curb their stupidity. A drag. A weight. Another problem.
It’s just the way it is. Better off alone...but I want sex.
Fucking humans man. Fuck being one too.
Anyway, getting edibles…
25/10/2014
It Just Keeps Getting Worse...
...fuck me.
My last post was more than a week ago. This is because, as I said in my last post, that this week I would be revising for my resit exam for my certificate in basic policing course and under taking a employability skills course at the behest of the Job Center. This was after I moved hostels on the Monday.
On Monday I did manage to move hostels just fine by using the buses to ferry my things from one hostel near Hyde Park over to another in a London borough called Islington.
This was a smart move on my part because unlike where I was staying this new hostel has better showers, is quieter, has a fridge and residents who don't steal food*, and best of all, in house wifi which permits access to torrents and a large common room with tables where I can sit and type and isn't ever cold.
*At least this week I've kept food in the fridge and, apart from a misunderstanding about labeling which resulted in my bag being placed in the staff fridge until I asked where it went, no one has stolen so much as the butter I've been eating all week.
I mean, seriously, the people here don't make noise, are really polite and it's a very nice place to stay, which is damn odd considering that I was staying in a hostel just off Hyde Park in central London with the next best thing to a collection of animate slime molds. Move two miles out of the city center to a hostel in an obviously poor borough and pay less rent, and suddenly everyone from the staff to the guests and the accommodation goes from harsh thieving thuggish scum to friendly warm easy and nice human beings. Go figure.
That however is where this week stopped being positive.
Tuesday I attended the first session of the employability skills course my job adviser at the job center put me on in spite of my certificate in basic policing course and my application to the Metropolitan Police Service, which I considered at the time to be a stupid act because I needed to revise the materials for the start of my police constable training and anything beyond that would be simply be a pointless waste of time.
He, my adviser, and the company who runs the course however told me that they would review my skills and abilities and then put me in direct contact with appropriate employers who would then hire me in the next couple of weeks. It's the sort of thing I always imagined the job center would do - take unemployed people, fine an employer and match them up - before having contact with the job center who see people as numbers on a spreadsheet, rather than as human beings.
Each of the sessions for this course were to take place 3 hours travel from where I would be staying - the new hostel I'm currently sitting in - but I only had 1 exam left and thought I could attend the course, revise in the evenings and take the resit at the end of the week. Once I pass this final resit I would then get my certificate, hand that MPS and get my full time paid training start date, job done, or started as it might be.
Thing was that the course lasted 6 hours per day, from 10am till 4pm. I had to get up at 6am to dress and travel, 4 hours total, to where the course would take place. Then it would take 3 hours to get back and another 1 for dinner. So in total that's 14 hours, less 8 hours sleep means I had 0 hours for revising, so I got about 4 hours sleep a night trying to get revision in.
Additionally the bus costs about 3-4 pounds back and forth in travel credit, even with an Oyster Card.
By the end of the week I had burned through all the money I had buying lunch whilst out and travel credit. I had also gotten so tired I started making bad choices and not watching the time and failing to revise.
Tuesday was the induction to the course.
For some reason I thought this would take place in something like a college class room setting with computers and desks and things in an office style environment.
The class took place in a community center of a bough located deep in a residential area, and looked like a wartorn pile of brick that would look at home in the live-action movie of the Fallout nuclear apocalypse roleplaying and combat game series.
Wednesday morning the course started in earnest.
I woke up to find my debit card missing. I had been using it to pay for my travel costs on the bus [contactless payment method] so I had to walk to Elephant and Castle and then take the train for free to a nearby station. For some reason they never installed security gates in Elephant and Castle shopping center or at my intended destination so it wasn't an issue to use them seeing as I would've paid if I could but couldn't. Point is that I still had to walk for several hours to get there on time and back again.
When I got to the class was where I started to become enraged with my situation because we spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips in groups.
...
Just let me type this a few more times to really let it sink in.
We spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips.
I attended a job skills recruitment program to hang around with people who can barely read written English under the orders of the job center who are responsible for keeping me alive and getting me as quickly as possible back into full time paid employment instead of being permitted to revise for my final exam which once passed would get me full time paid employment with a public service, and I spent literal hours making a bridge out of paper and paper clips.
I SPENT HOURS OF LIFE MAKING A BRIDGE OUT OF PAPER AND FUCKING PAPER CLIPS BECAUSE A HUMAN BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING ME INTO PAID EMPLOYMENT TOLD ME THAT MY CERTIFICATE IN BASE POLICING COURSE AND MY APPLICATION TO THE METROPOLITAN POLICE SERVICE OF LONDON, ENGLAND, WASN'T WORTH ANYTHING.
...
Thursday. On Thursday I was so tired and so angry about Wednesday that mostly I sat in the class and thought about killing my job adviser, especially after the tutor of the course said 'I'm here to help you get into work'.
I'm a patient guy, honest, harmless really, unless someone actively tries to hurt or kill me anyway whereupon I disable the attacker with stupid ease and maximum ferocity. I want to be a policeman because I want to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I can be swift and deadly and dangerous, but I'm only a threat to those who harm others.
However in the course of my application the following happened which made it harder for me to get the work done. Things that others didn't have to deal with:
It was all fantasy. I haven't and won't lay a finger on him. There is a vast difference between wishing someone dead and killing them. I wish him to suffer for what he did, but that doesn't mean I'm going to cause it.
I left there at the end of the session, even more angry after I requested Friday off to spend the day catching up on my rest and revising for the exam and being denied. I told my college tutor about this circumstances and he told me to do half this week and half next week, which sounded like a good idea. But they refused to give me Friday off, citing that the job center had to sign off on it. I admit I didn't ask my job adviser for the day off. He didn't know the course content of the employability skills course, he's never seen evidence of my knowledge and abilities, he never asked for confirmation I was enrolled at college or the letters I've received for the police regarding my application. He put me on the employability skills course and prevented me from completing my college course in total ignorance. I was angry. I wasn't going to go ask him for the day off. He would say no. Then he would die after I tore out his throat with my teeth.
So I went home. Whereupon I took the train. Went through the security gates without worrying about paying because I was too tired and angry to really notice the world around me at that point. And of course the train company and police was checking for tickets at the gate. With no debit card I had to provide them with my name and address and national insurance number and will receive a letter shortly ordering me to pay a £20.00 fine. Because of my job adviser. All because I did what I had to because of one man's ignorance and stupidity.
Friday, I gave up.
I got up and got half way to the employability skills course location, stopped for a drink of water, and...broke.
You don't disobey or argue with the job center. Because if you do they issue sanctions. Sanctions mean your housing benefit stops [you get evicted onto the street] and your job seekers allowance is cut in half [so you can eat, just, but you're sleeping outside].
There aren't really words for my physical condition by mid Friday morning at 9am.
I had run out of travel credit and couldn't afford to buy more [the buses are no-cash based, and the amount of credit you can buy at minimum costs more than I had, so eat I could, travel I could not]. I had to walk for 3 hours to get home. I had been getting 4 hours sleep a night for several days. I hadn't been eating properly. I hadn't showered as I needed sleep more than cleaning. I was a walking wreck of a human being, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I dragged myself home, slowly because my limbs simply didn't have the energy in them that they needed to function. Got in, ate, slept for 4 hours, ate some more, and then started arranging a solution to this mess.
The solution I've found is that I needed to update my address with the job center, which I never did because it's tied to my housing benefits and my address hasn't stayed stable and the cost of rent has been anywhere from 80-120 pounds a week over the last few months. However, by doing so this will remove me from the employability skills course and it will take them a couple of weeks to get me onto a new course, giving me just enough time to take my resit and get that to the MPS.
The downside is that this may result in not being paid my housing benefits for a couple of weeks and not being able to pay my rent. So it's not a perfect solution by any means, but it's better than getting sanctions for not attending the employability skills course.
This is in process and on Monday I'll be going to the job center to finalize the transfer of my claim over to the local offices. Hopefully my housing benefit for that week will still come through so I can send my medical forms to the MPS.
It's now Saturday and I feel a hell've a lot better.
Got 10 hours sleep last night, got up and showered and shaved, then went and spend the last handful of coin I had left for this week on ham, bread, coleslaw and milk so with the apples I have a bit of everything to aid recovery until after this weekend.
Seriously though, I'm a hard guy, a bad ass, with scars in places you don't want to get scars, and I work out, and I know pain, but this morning and occasionally this afternoon I was feeling so much better by comparison to yesterday that I was laughing like a mad man. I mean, cackling laughter which cracked around the edges with the sound of a brain's sanity sloughing away.
All I know right now is that I've eaten well today, I've slept well last night and will get some more shortly, the TV is good, I'm not cold, and it doesn't hurt anymore. And I've got a chance to finish my course and get into training.
And I hate humans.
The next time someone issues me an order I don't want to do, regardless of the consequences, I won't do it. If the local job center to here orders me onto a new course, I'm not going to attend. If they sanction me, I'm going to report the adviser who does it. If that doesn't fix it, I'm going to sue. If I can't, I'm going to post the above in more detail [it's worse than I summarized] on Change.org and start a petition for change.
Fuck you human. Fuck you and your entire fucked up fucking species who keep trying to cripple and damage me. No. More. I've hit my limit. Next round, I'd rather be DEAD than take any more of this.
I mentioned a while back about gears and how I stripped one and went ape shit at my college course tutor. Well, I haven't stripped one gear. Most of the gears have broken and shattered over the last week. Now it's time for the world to change.
Going to install MS Office on my laptop, organize the 3 books I'm writing, and then go get some snooze. Tomorrow I want to organize my exam revision. 08/11/14 is when the resit is. 2 weeks later is when I'll get the results. Anyone tries to stop me from being prepared to pass the exam, I'm going to ignore them and inform them that they can burn in hell.
My final word for today is that Papa Roach is pretty damn good. The slightly older stuff is better than the newer stuff. Not that the newer stuff is crap, but it's not quite as good in my view. Getting Away With Murder, 2004, was excellent. The Paramour Sessions though, not so much.
DONE.
My last post was more than a week ago. This is because, as I said in my last post, that this week I would be revising for my resit exam for my certificate in basic policing course and under taking a employability skills course at the behest of the Job Center. This was after I moved hostels on the Monday.
On Monday I did manage to move hostels just fine by using the buses to ferry my things from one hostel near Hyde Park over to another in a London borough called Islington.
This was a smart move on my part because unlike where I was staying this new hostel has better showers, is quieter, has a fridge and residents who don't steal food*, and best of all, in house wifi which permits access to torrents and a large common room with tables where I can sit and type and isn't ever cold.
*At least this week I've kept food in the fridge and, apart from a misunderstanding about labeling which resulted in my bag being placed in the staff fridge until I asked where it went, no one has stolen so much as the butter I've been eating all week.
I mean, seriously, the people here don't make noise, are really polite and it's a very nice place to stay, which is damn odd considering that I was staying in a hostel just off Hyde Park in central London with the next best thing to a collection of animate slime molds. Move two miles out of the city center to a hostel in an obviously poor borough and pay less rent, and suddenly everyone from the staff to the guests and the accommodation goes from harsh thieving thuggish scum to friendly warm easy and nice human beings. Go figure.
That however is where this week stopped being positive.
Tuesday I attended the first session of the employability skills course my job adviser at the job center put me on in spite of my certificate in basic policing course and my application to the Metropolitan Police Service, which I considered at the time to be a stupid act because I needed to revise the materials for the start of my police constable training and anything beyond that would be simply be a pointless waste of time.
He, my adviser, and the company who runs the course however told me that they would review my skills and abilities and then put me in direct contact with appropriate employers who would then hire me in the next couple of weeks. It's the sort of thing I always imagined the job center would do - take unemployed people, fine an employer and match them up - before having contact with the job center who see people as numbers on a spreadsheet, rather than as human beings.
Each of the sessions for this course were to take place 3 hours travel from where I would be staying - the new hostel I'm currently sitting in - but I only had 1 exam left and thought I could attend the course, revise in the evenings and take the resit at the end of the week. Once I pass this final resit I would then get my certificate, hand that MPS and get my full time paid training start date, job done, or started as it might be.
Thing was that the course lasted 6 hours per day, from 10am till 4pm. I had to get up at 6am to dress and travel, 4 hours total, to where the course would take place. Then it would take 3 hours to get back and another 1 for dinner. So in total that's 14 hours, less 8 hours sleep means I had 0 hours for revising, so I got about 4 hours sleep a night trying to get revision in.
Additionally the bus costs about 3-4 pounds back and forth in travel credit, even with an Oyster Card.
By the end of the week I had burned through all the money I had buying lunch whilst out and travel credit. I had also gotten so tired I started making bad choices and not watching the time and failing to revise.
Tuesday was the induction to the course.
For some reason I thought this would take place in something like a college class room setting with computers and desks and things in an office style environment.
The class took place in a community center of a bough located deep in a residential area, and looked like a wartorn pile of brick that would look at home in the live-action movie of the Fallout nuclear apocalypse roleplaying and combat game series.
Wednesday morning the course started in earnest.
I woke up to find my debit card missing. I had been using it to pay for my travel costs on the bus [contactless payment method] so I had to walk to Elephant and Castle and then take the train for free to a nearby station. For some reason they never installed security gates in Elephant and Castle shopping center or at my intended destination so it wasn't an issue to use them seeing as I would've paid if I could but couldn't. Point is that I still had to walk for several hours to get there on time and back again.
When I got to the class was where I started to become enraged with my situation because we spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips in groups.
...
Just let me type this a few more times to really let it sink in.
We spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips.
I attended a job skills recruitment program to hang around with people who can barely read written English under the orders of the job center who are responsible for keeping me alive and getting me as quickly as possible back into full time paid employment instead of being permitted to revise for my final exam which once passed would get me full time paid employment with a public service, and I spent literal hours making a bridge out of paper and paper clips.
I SPENT HOURS OF LIFE MAKING A BRIDGE OUT OF PAPER AND FUCKING PAPER CLIPS BECAUSE A HUMAN BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING ME INTO PAID EMPLOYMENT TOLD ME THAT MY CERTIFICATE IN BASE POLICING COURSE AND MY APPLICATION TO THE METROPOLITAN POLICE SERVICE OF LONDON, ENGLAND, WASN'T WORTH ANYTHING.
...
Thursday. On Thursday I was so tired and so angry about Wednesday that mostly I sat in the class and thought about killing my job adviser, especially after the tutor of the course said 'I'm here to help you get into work'.
I'm a patient guy, honest, harmless really, unless someone actively tries to hurt or kill me anyway whereupon I disable the attacker with stupid ease and maximum ferocity. I want to be a policeman because I want to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I can be swift and deadly and dangerous, but I'm only a threat to those who harm others.
However in the course of my application the following happened which made it harder for me to get the work done. Things that others didn't have to deal with:
- I got a chest infection, my first illness in 10 years and my last since, a week before I took a fitness test with the MPS, which I still passed despite not sleeping for 24 hours due to revising for a Certificate in Basic Policing Exam, and not eating for 16 hours due to lack of coin. Plus the fucking fitness examiner bulled me during the mother fucking test! If I ever see that bitch again I'm going to make her fucking pay.
- When I went to do the coursework for my certification course, my PC broke, and the college was closed for the summer and refused me entry to use their computers, I was forced to use my 8 year old iPhone to get 75% of the coursework done.
- And then at the end of the course, 5 minuets from victory, my first full time job in about a decade of being ignored by employers, the job center, the people who are supposed to exist to get me full time paid employment, or at least stay out of the way and let me look or get educated so I can get employed, called my attempts pointless and essentially disabled my ability to finish them off after I had done 99% of the course.
It was all fantasy. I haven't and won't lay a finger on him. There is a vast difference between wishing someone dead and killing them. I wish him to suffer for what he did, but that doesn't mean I'm going to cause it.
I left there at the end of the session, even more angry after I requested Friday off to spend the day catching up on my rest and revising for the exam and being denied. I told my college tutor about this circumstances and he told me to do half this week and half next week, which sounded like a good idea. But they refused to give me Friday off, citing that the job center had to sign off on it. I admit I didn't ask my job adviser for the day off. He didn't know the course content of the employability skills course, he's never seen evidence of my knowledge and abilities, he never asked for confirmation I was enrolled at college or the letters I've received for the police regarding my application. He put me on the employability skills course and prevented me from completing my college course in total ignorance. I was angry. I wasn't going to go ask him for the day off. He would say no. Then he would die after I tore out his throat with my teeth.
So I went home. Whereupon I took the train. Went through the security gates without worrying about paying because I was too tired and angry to really notice the world around me at that point. And of course the train company and police was checking for tickets at the gate. With no debit card I had to provide them with my name and address and national insurance number and will receive a letter shortly ordering me to pay a £20.00 fine. Because of my job adviser. All because I did what I had to because of one man's ignorance and stupidity.
Friday, I gave up.
I got up and got half way to the employability skills course location, stopped for a drink of water, and...broke.
You don't disobey or argue with the job center. Because if you do they issue sanctions. Sanctions mean your housing benefit stops [you get evicted onto the street] and your job seekers allowance is cut in half [so you can eat, just, but you're sleeping outside].
There aren't really words for my physical condition by mid Friday morning at 9am.
I had run out of travel credit and couldn't afford to buy more [the buses are no-cash based, and the amount of credit you can buy at minimum costs more than I had, so eat I could, travel I could not]. I had to walk for 3 hours to get home. I had been getting 4 hours sleep a night for several days. I hadn't been eating properly. I hadn't showered as I needed sleep more than cleaning. I was a walking wreck of a human being, mentally, physically, emotionally.
I dragged myself home, slowly because my limbs simply didn't have the energy in them that they needed to function. Got in, ate, slept for 4 hours, ate some more, and then started arranging a solution to this mess.
The solution I've found is that I needed to update my address with the job center, which I never did because it's tied to my housing benefits and my address hasn't stayed stable and the cost of rent has been anywhere from 80-120 pounds a week over the last few months. However, by doing so this will remove me from the employability skills course and it will take them a couple of weeks to get me onto a new course, giving me just enough time to take my resit and get that to the MPS.
The downside is that this may result in not being paid my housing benefits for a couple of weeks and not being able to pay my rent. So it's not a perfect solution by any means, but it's better than getting sanctions for not attending the employability skills course.
This is in process and on Monday I'll be going to the job center to finalize the transfer of my claim over to the local offices. Hopefully my housing benefit for that week will still come through so I can send my medical forms to the MPS.
It's now Saturday and I feel a hell've a lot better.
Got 10 hours sleep last night, got up and showered and shaved, then went and spend the last handful of coin I had left for this week on ham, bread, coleslaw and milk so with the apples I have a bit of everything to aid recovery until after this weekend.
Seriously though, I'm a hard guy, a bad ass, with scars in places you don't want to get scars, and I work out, and I know pain, but this morning and occasionally this afternoon I was feeling so much better by comparison to yesterday that I was laughing like a mad man. I mean, cackling laughter which cracked around the edges with the sound of a brain's sanity sloughing away.
All I know right now is that I've eaten well today, I've slept well last night and will get some more shortly, the TV is good, I'm not cold, and it doesn't hurt anymore. And I've got a chance to finish my course and get into training.
And I hate humans.
The next time someone issues me an order I don't want to do, regardless of the consequences, I won't do it. If the local job center to here orders me onto a new course, I'm not going to attend. If they sanction me, I'm going to report the adviser who does it. If that doesn't fix it, I'm going to sue. If I can't, I'm going to post the above in more detail [it's worse than I summarized] on Change.org and start a petition for change.
Fuck you human. Fuck you and your entire fucked up fucking species who keep trying to cripple and damage me. No. More. I've hit my limit. Next round, I'd rather be DEAD than take any more of this.
I mentioned a while back about gears and how I stripped one and went ape shit at my college course tutor. Well, I haven't stripped one gear. Most of the gears have broken and shattered over the last week. Now it's time for the world to change.
Going to install MS Office on my laptop, organize the 3 books I'm writing, and then go get some snooze. Tomorrow I want to organize my exam revision. 08/11/14 is when the resit is. 2 weeks later is when I'll get the results. Anyone tries to stop me from being prepared to pass the exam, I'm going to ignore them and inform them that they can burn in hell.
My final word for today is that Papa Roach is pretty damn good. The slightly older stuff is better than the newer stuff. Not that the newer stuff is crap, but it's not quite as good in my view. Getting Away With Murder, 2004, was excellent. The Paramour Sessions though, not so much.
DONE.
17/10/2014
There's not a whole hell've a lot going on in here...
Friday.
Woke up around 10am this morning feeling like Kentucky Fried Shit Burgers. Half an hour later I realized why I allow the idiots to go on breathing, for if it were not for a few that aren't terminally stupid then I wouldn't have the blackcurrant and apple squish, the caffeine, the clothes that smell like autumnal mulch, the dark smelling deodorant, and the Listerine mouthwash which turns me from grunting angry beast to almost human again.
Granted I would still have possession of the third fucking tube of expensive toothpaste I've bought in two weeks which has, once again, gone missing from my toiletries bag, this time stolen I think because by the second tube I was paying a great deal of attention every time I interacted with the bag. Besides, I haven't lost any toothpaste ever, so to lose not one or two, but three of the fucking things in two weeks means it's not accidental, it's people are stealing my shit...AGAIN.
Got breakfast and came to McDonalds so I could play some Hearthstone before writing revision mats but been too disgruntled to even write this blog post for the first four hours.
Haven't heard from my lady friend all day but she's currently quite ill and I'm currently quite angry so...
Kinda counter productive really, not doing any work because you're too pissed off because eventually you realize you've run out of time in which to work and done nothing that day and you're then angry at yourself and your circumstances.
Two things of note happened today, the above was one and the other is a women who found my profile on LinkedIn contacted me via email. She's a recruiter for some games industry recruitment company and wanted to know if I was interested in the positions she had on file. I said there wasn't much point of that because I lack experience, qualifications and evidence of my actual abilities. She asked for my CV anyway, and I sent it to her today with a short technical spiel on what I can do. It took all of one or two minuets and serves to prove my point that no one gives a flying fuck about ability, only experience and qualifications.
If she wants to waste her time with it, she can be my guest.
Remembering why I hate playing Hearthstone now as well. The game is so fucking rigged so those who spend a lot of money on the rare cards and set up win. The basic play might be free, but you'll get your ass kicked repetitively and often by those with fat wallets, even if they've got thin brains.
Finished all the coursework for my certificate in basic policing course last night.
63 damn quizzes, all with 80-100% score, which is at minimum 10% more than the pass mark. Just a couple of exams left to do now in a week tomorrow which I need to write revision materials for. It's not very hard to do. 16 questions total, look up answers, memorize them and write them down in a two hour long exam. And I've finished the course. And can hand the certificate off the Met Police and they tell me where to show up for training.
Easy.
...If I can find the motivation to actually do the work that is...
And that's fairly much everything. Hating humans and wanting to be alone [seriously, if a hot desirable women touched me right now I'll be more angry than aroused]. Motivation currently in the toilet despite making progress. Going running tonight which might make some difference to my mood. One way or the other, tomorrow I need to hit the library and have these revision materials written because Monday-Friday next week I'll be dealing with moving hostels and this recruitment company bullshit.
Fucking world.
Woke up around 10am this morning feeling like Kentucky Fried Shit Burgers. Half an hour later I realized why I allow the idiots to go on breathing, for if it were not for a few that aren't terminally stupid then I wouldn't have the blackcurrant and apple squish, the caffeine, the clothes that smell like autumnal mulch, the dark smelling deodorant, and the Listerine mouthwash which turns me from grunting angry beast to almost human again.
Granted I would still have possession of the third fucking tube of expensive toothpaste I've bought in two weeks which has, once again, gone missing from my toiletries bag, this time stolen I think because by the second tube I was paying a great deal of attention every time I interacted with the bag. Besides, I haven't lost any toothpaste ever, so to lose not one or two, but three of the fucking things in two weeks means it's not accidental, it's people are stealing my shit...AGAIN.
Got breakfast and came to McDonalds so I could play some Hearthstone before writing revision mats but been too disgruntled to even write this blog post for the first four hours.
Haven't heard from my lady friend all day but she's currently quite ill and I'm currently quite angry so...
Kinda counter productive really, not doing any work because you're too pissed off because eventually you realize you've run out of time in which to work and done nothing that day and you're then angry at yourself and your circumstances.
Two things of note happened today, the above was one and the other is a women who found my profile on LinkedIn contacted me via email. She's a recruiter for some games industry recruitment company and wanted to know if I was interested in the positions she had on file. I said there wasn't much point of that because I lack experience, qualifications and evidence of my actual abilities. She asked for my CV anyway, and I sent it to her today with a short technical spiel on what I can do. It took all of one or two minuets and serves to prove my point that no one gives a flying fuck about ability, only experience and qualifications.
If she wants to waste her time with it, she can be my guest.
Remembering why I hate playing Hearthstone now as well. The game is so fucking rigged so those who spend a lot of money on the rare cards and set up win. The basic play might be free, but you'll get your ass kicked repetitively and often by those with fat wallets, even if they've got thin brains.
Finished all the coursework for my certificate in basic policing course last night.
63 damn quizzes, all with 80-100% score, which is at minimum 10% more than the pass mark. Just a couple of exams left to do now in a week tomorrow which I need to write revision materials for. It's not very hard to do. 16 questions total, look up answers, memorize them and write them down in a two hour long exam. And I've finished the course. And can hand the certificate off the Met Police and they tell me where to show up for training.
Easy.
...If I can find the motivation to actually do the work that is...
And that's fairly much everything. Hating humans and wanting to be alone [seriously, if a hot desirable women touched me right now I'll be more angry than aroused]. Motivation currently in the toilet despite making progress. Going running tonight which might make some difference to my mood. One way or the other, tomorrow I need to hit the library and have these revision materials written because Monday-Friday next week I'll be dealing with moving hostels and this recruitment company bullshit.
Fucking world.
16/10/2014
Tempus Fugit...
Sup. Thursday. Few things happened, although little that's a big deal.
Paid rent and things [things being laundry and buying bulk food items] on Monday. Have to relocate hostels again, again, this coming Monday after everywhere else in central London got mysteriously booked solid in it's cheaper beds.
The whether sours, the summer is over, and suddenly where I had no issues of accommodation over the summer, where it cost me about 60 a week for the crappy 'it's somewhere to sleep indoors' accommodation I'm currently staying in, everywhere is now charging 100-130 per week. Mother fucking assholes.
So I'm now moving out of central London into North East and staying in somewhere which is still costing me 10 more than where I was, about 80. Its going to be a pain in the ass to move, but there's no choice, I need the money.
I especially need the money because on Tuesday, got an email from the police recruitment office reminding me that I never handed in some medical documentation to them. Said medical documentation is simply a form which I filled out and my doctor, who I haven't seen, apart from that fucking chest infection, in ten fucking years, signed and is now charging me £30.00 to buy from him, like it was some sort of effort for the bastard to sign off. No discounts for the unemployed either. Bastards. There was a hint though that unless I get my recruitment with the MPS finished soon then they'll cancel my application, so I have to hand it in and this Monday.
So of course, after that I get a phone call from the recruitment office the job center referred me to asking [See: telling] me to come in for my marching orders the following day at 11am. And like I predicted they told me that 4 days a week, 6 hours a day, I need to be doing some sort of ill-defined job skills training course for 8 weeks, and the other day, Monday, I need to check in with their offices.
So in this hand we have the Metropolitan Police Service telling me to hurry the fuck up with my application.
And in this hand we have the Job Center telling me they're here to get me into work whilst taking the time away I need to finish off my certification course and be prepared for training with a job skills training course which is designed for people who have 1/10th my intelligence if that.
Like usual, my life is organizing itself so what should be a fairly easy task - a few quizzes and a 2 hour exam - is neigh impossible because humanity is trying to help me...and people wonder why I hate humans.
The one bright spot is that this doesn't seem all that hard really.
The college work, after a bit of organization, appears to be no more than 1-2 days hard work. 2/3rds of the remaining coursework quizzes were 0-10 questions long, and I did them. The remaining 3 are 25ish each. Then I just need to answer about a dozen questions in the exams, which shouldn't be too hard once I look up the answers and drum them into my abused skull.
I have time for that little work...I think...though that still leaves me behind in the revision of the materials so I know what I'm about on the first day of training.
I'm not at all confident about this job skills training course thingy though. I've done such things before and what they amount to is a lot of busy work without any real guidance.
What's currently got me at a loss though is that I've told the job center, the job recruitment company, and will tell the people teaching this course they're forcing me to do, about my neigh finished certification course and impending training into the police...and no one seems to care or even noticed...
I feel like a man with a doctorate in some complicated subject who has been told that the start date of his new positing is forthcoming but not yet defined and being told by the job center that by government regulation he needs to take GCSE Maths and English, of the grade they teach illiterate immigrants.
5 minuets from victory the people keeping me alive have decided to cause the maximum damage they're able to snatch it away from me...
Normally I would consider it grossly imprudent and unwise, but when I have the start date and it's all settled and paid for until I actually enter training, I'm going to tell that asshole at the job center who calls himself my 'Job Coach' that he's a fucking bastard for trying to screw me over at the finish.
I mentioned previously that I had stripped a gear and gone apeshit at my college course tutor. I did a stupid, stupid thing and replaced that fucking gear. I need to tare it out and go a bit more apeshit, first on this job skills recruitment company and then at the job center.
The thing is that they haven't crossed that line yet. I can still win this if I get the work done. If it looks like I'm going to fail though because of them, I will let them have it. I have to. I won't lose this, not after everything.
...
Lady friend is OK. Sorta.
A week or two back she had a wire inserted into her guts through a thing called a stoma for some syndrome thingy. The wire went too far in and was hurting her so she got permission to pull it out a bit. This made it come out entirely and she got sick again. Got it put back in this week and it's apparently hurting like hell and she's got a fever and her doctor is making a house call today.
She sent me a pic this morning of herself, deathly pale except for flushed cheeks. The picture was cute and her personality is cuddly. I think I'm being toyed with by the universe again.
Last girl I showed real interest in turned out to be a transsexual [though I'm bi, so thats a non-issue] and insane - she is still cyberstalking me and posting messages addressed to me on the Los Angeles division of Craigslist's Missed Connections boards.
Her name is Brooke Lawson, also known as Brooke Leigh, from Press Heart to Continue. That boyfriend of her's is a cover because she's insane. Either she is dating him and...well, I would say fucking with me, but sane people who are fucking with someone else don't post for 4-5 years now I think, messages on an online message board to someone else, or she is lying about dating him and using him as a cover to maintain plausible deniability about any statement I may make [such as this one].
I don't care really. I hate the fact that I can't have my Twitter unlocked and simply be me anymore without that fucking creeper seeing whatever I post and posting on CL about it though. I did care about her and tried to have some sort of friendship and so on with her, but she's too mad to do anything of the sort with me.
So I have a new lady friend...who is ill and will continue to be ill indefinitely because her condition is genetic...like I said, the universe enjoys fucking with me because the only two girls who have shown interest in me as a person rather than as an ambulatory penis were/are ill, in the head and in the body.
I liked them both, but my newer lady friend at least appears to eventually be able to get better and at least talks directly to me instead of by proxy, so it's a step up I guess. Such is my retarded existence.
...
I am now hungry so I think I'm gonna go eat something and then do college work.
Tomorrow I'm going to cover the ongoing development of my thesis come industry journal on games design.
The long and short of that is that I posted on Reddit a link to view the file and some details about my intent and purpose in writing it, and the denizens in the Games Design subreddit reminded me why I don't interact with me so called peers, and hate forums; if you don't run into trolls, you still can't avoid the idiots.
Details to follow.
Good after to you all.
Paid rent and things [things being laundry and buying bulk food items] on Monday. Have to relocate hostels again, again, this coming Monday after everywhere else in central London got mysteriously booked solid in it's cheaper beds.
The whether sours, the summer is over, and suddenly where I had no issues of accommodation over the summer, where it cost me about 60 a week for the crappy 'it's somewhere to sleep indoors' accommodation I'm currently staying in, everywhere is now charging 100-130 per week. Mother fucking assholes.
So I'm now moving out of central London into North East and staying in somewhere which is still costing me 10 more than where I was, about 80. Its going to be a pain in the ass to move, but there's no choice, I need the money.
I especially need the money because on Tuesday, got an email from the police recruitment office reminding me that I never handed in some medical documentation to them. Said medical documentation is simply a form which I filled out and my doctor, who I haven't seen, apart from that fucking chest infection, in ten fucking years, signed and is now charging me £30.00 to buy from him, like it was some sort of effort for the bastard to sign off. No discounts for the unemployed either. Bastards. There was a hint though that unless I get my recruitment with the MPS finished soon then they'll cancel my application, so I have to hand it in and this Monday.
So of course, after that I get a phone call from the recruitment office the job center referred me to asking [See: telling] me to come in for my marching orders the following day at 11am. And like I predicted they told me that 4 days a week, 6 hours a day, I need to be doing some sort of ill-defined job skills training course for 8 weeks, and the other day, Monday, I need to check in with their offices.
So in this hand we have the Metropolitan Police Service telling me to hurry the fuck up with my application.
And in this hand we have the Job Center telling me they're here to get me into work whilst taking the time away I need to finish off my certification course and be prepared for training with a job skills training course which is designed for people who have 1/10th my intelligence if that.
Like usual, my life is organizing itself so what should be a fairly easy task - a few quizzes and a 2 hour exam - is neigh impossible because humanity is trying to help me...and people wonder why I hate humans.
The one bright spot is that this doesn't seem all that hard really.
The college work, after a bit of organization, appears to be no more than 1-2 days hard work. 2/3rds of the remaining coursework quizzes were 0-10 questions long, and I did them. The remaining 3 are 25ish each. Then I just need to answer about a dozen questions in the exams, which shouldn't be too hard once I look up the answers and drum them into my abused skull.
I have time for that little work...I think...though that still leaves me behind in the revision of the materials so I know what I'm about on the first day of training.
I'm not at all confident about this job skills training course thingy though. I've done such things before and what they amount to is a lot of busy work without any real guidance.
What's currently got me at a loss though is that I've told the job center, the job recruitment company, and will tell the people teaching this course they're forcing me to do, about my neigh finished certification course and impending training into the police...and no one seems to care or even noticed...
I feel like a man with a doctorate in some complicated subject who has been told that the start date of his new positing is forthcoming but not yet defined and being told by the job center that by government regulation he needs to take GCSE Maths and English, of the grade they teach illiterate immigrants.
5 minuets from victory the people keeping me alive have decided to cause the maximum damage they're able to snatch it away from me...
Normally I would consider it grossly imprudent and unwise, but when I have the start date and it's all settled and paid for until I actually enter training, I'm going to tell that asshole at the job center who calls himself my 'Job Coach' that he's a fucking bastard for trying to screw me over at the finish.
I mentioned previously that I had stripped a gear and gone apeshit at my college course tutor. I did a stupid, stupid thing and replaced that fucking gear. I need to tare it out and go a bit more apeshit, first on this job skills recruitment company and then at the job center.
The thing is that they haven't crossed that line yet. I can still win this if I get the work done. If it looks like I'm going to fail though because of them, I will let them have it. I have to. I won't lose this, not after everything.
...
Lady friend is OK. Sorta.
A week or two back she had a wire inserted into her guts through a thing called a stoma for some syndrome thingy. The wire went too far in and was hurting her so she got permission to pull it out a bit. This made it come out entirely and she got sick again. Got it put back in this week and it's apparently hurting like hell and she's got a fever and her doctor is making a house call today.
She sent me a pic this morning of herself, deathly pale except for flushed cheeks. The picture was cute and her personality is cuddly. I think I'm being toyed with by the universe again.
Last girl I showed real interest in turned out to be a transsexual [though I'm bi, so thats a non-issue] and insane - she is still cyberstalking me and posting messages addressed to me on the Los Angeles division of Craigslist's Missed Connections boards.
Her name is Brooke Lawson, also known as Brooke Leigh, from Press Heart to Continue. That boyfriend of her's is a cover because she's insane. Either she is dating him and...well, I would say fucking with me, but sane people who are fucking with someone else don't post for 4-5 years now I think, messages on an online message board to someone else, or she is lying about dating him and using him as a cover to maintain plausible deniability about any statement I may make [such as this one].
I don't care really. I hate the fact that I can't have my Twitter unlocked and simply be me anymore without that fucking creeper seeing whatever I post and posting on CL about it though. I did care about her and tried to have some sort of friendship and so on with her, but she's too mad to do anything of the sort with me.
So I have a new lady friend...who is ill and will continue to be ill indefinitely because her condition is genetic...like I said, the universe enjoys fucking with me because the only two girls who have shown interest in me as a person rather than as an ambulatory penis were/are ill, in the head and in the body.
I liked them both, but my newer lady friend at least appears to eventually be able to get better and at least talks directly to me instead of by proxy, so it's a step up I guess. Such is my retarded existence.
...
I am now hungry so I think I'm gonna go eat something and then do college work.
Tomorrow I'm going to cover the ongoing development of my thesis come industry journal on games design.
The long and short of that is that I posted on Reddit a link to view the file and some details about my intent and purpose in writing it, and the denizens in the Games Design subreddit reminded me why I don't interact with me so called peers, and hate forums; if you don't run into trolls, you still can't avoid the idiots.
Details to follow.
Good after to you all.
12/10/2014
The Best Ones Always Show Up The Day After Tomorrow...
Howdy. I guess the nerves hadn't woken up yesterday because most of my muscles are currently complaining about their ill treatment. -.-
... *spends some time staring out of the window in McDonalds* ...
Lady friend has apparently caused more damage to herself. Torn something which sounds like an integral part of her organs and infection has returned or something. Last week the thing that's meant to be healing her or something was dislodged and she opted not to go back to the hospital, mostly, I think, because her friend was visiting this weekend. This is probably going to result in major surgery next week because some holes will have healed up.
I'm too tired to care very much really. Not a very cleaver thing to do, ignoring your doctors and gaining even more hospital time and yet more down time healing.
So there's that.
Why is it that the only mentally compatible individual I've met this one that seems intent on hurting herself...
I'm once again parked in McDonalds. Just for today, and then tomorrow I'm going to the library once I've paid rent, done laundry and shaved my head. Not storing anything more in that damn hostel fridge. Four different thefts occurred this week; two of butter, an entire loaf of bread and four large potatoes.
Started rewriting my computer games thesis in Google Drive along the lines of a technical manual. Think I said yesterday...or I just tweeted it...could be, but anyway, I've organized it into 3 sections - front/body/back matter - in accordance with some of the principles of the Wikipedia article on Book Design. The front and back sections mirror each other with contents/index and so forth. The body section is the big one.
I was just going to write the books content into ad hoc articles and then publish it at the end of the year, which is essentially what I plan on doing still, only modified, and then add to that for the 2015 edition, Doing it this way will build it into a compendium on games design which grows like a fungus and stays current with modern theories and methods for implementation. This is especially handy if I write anything platform or kit specific which is highly transitory and only temporarily relevant to how the industry does it.
I say my method of construction is modified because yesterday I realized how I had set up the thesis and decided to use the same methodology again.
The basic tenant of how to design games in my literal book is that you start with analysis of what already exists. This is to say that you need some way of categorizing computer games which exist right now so your contribution to the industry has a defined type and you can then check out other titles of the same type for general structure, what worked and what didn't, and then implement the best subsystems into your game.
So the way I've laid the book out is so the first section is Analysis [Categorization] which firstly serves to outline the virtual shell of all computer games [there really is an almost (note almost as there are, of course, exceptions) uniform structure to all games as you essentially require the same functionality in the same general format regardless of your game], then secondly follows that up with a redefinition of genre identification [which includes only 5 genre's with subgenres for categorizing anything more specific, and definitively does not include the fucking Action or Adventure genres, which are blatant misnomers carried over from the TV and Movie industry where they are in fact apt].
The next five sections then serve to identify and categorize the various systems and information which are iconic to any given genre. The Strategy [Information] section for example serves to identify the base quantified attributes of anything and everything within a virtual interactive environment - what, why, when, where, who, and how essentially. Then the Roleplaying [Setting] section serves to identify the representation of those attributes in a presented form - the last section quantifies the figures, whilst this one presents it graphically. Platforming [Environs], Racing [Interface], and Combat [Interactions] build upon these principles until you have a fully functional virtual interactive system. To change the game you just need to define or not define where the goal posts are in terms of need and objective.
I'm still kind of unpacking information from the back of my personal library - think of it like unlocking layered zip files...seriously, I write one layer down in Google Docs and then a few more zip files decompress and dump a fuck ton of information back into the forefront of my consciousness. Apparently that's how my brain does business. It stores absolutely everything but so as not to drive me bugfuck insane it compresses a fuckton [which are proper units of measurement don't cha know] of it and puts it in storage until I try to recall it and then it spools back out into active memory. Yesterday when I started the process of recall and documentation it felt like someone was frying my forebrain with electrodes and I went to bed with a headache.
The human brain is an amazing place, and either mine's a special one or other people just don't try to think about the world around them. :P
Gonna go widdle, have a drink, play a few matches of Hearthstone and then focus on getting the last of my coursework done. I'm probably just tired and not especially in high spirits due to the crappy food and caffeine I've been getting lately [if healthy veggies and a fuckton of pasta can be considered crappy anyway].
Get some proper fruit, cheese, bread and stuff tomorrow, some Monster Assault, and start revising for my exam resit. That's the ticket. And focus on getting into the police force. My lady friend's activities are her own concern for now. I've always thought it was too soon to be so focused on one person, but she's the only one around who seems to give a shit about me at the moment so.
That's the point really. For all the women and a few men who've shown sexual interest at me over the last few weeks, only one has shown real concern and offered to buy me food, rather than what I could give them. She might be a bit silly, not traditionally the type of girl I'm interested in physically, and not nearly on my level mentally, but she puts up with my batshit crazy and actually gives a flying fuck about my well being.
At the end of the day, what matters more?
See you on and on...
... *spends some time staring out of the window in McDonalds* ...
Lady friend has apparently caused more damage to herself. Torn something which sounds like an integral part of her organs and infection has returned or something. Last week the thing that's meant to be healing her or something was dislodged and she opted not to go back to the hospital, mostly, I think, because her friend was visiting this weekend. This is probably going to result in major surgery next week because some holes will have healed up.
I'm too tired to care very much really. Not a very cleaver thing to do, ignoring your doctors and gaining even more hospital time and yet more down time healing.
So there's that.
Why is it that the only mentally compatible individual I've met this one that seems intent on hurting herself...
I'm once again parked in McDonalds. Just for today, and then tomorrow I'm going to the library once I've paid rent, done laundry and shaved my head. Not storing anything more in that damn hostel fridge. Four different thefts occurred this week; two of butter, an entire loaf of bread and four large potatoes.
Started rewriting my computer games thesis in Google Drive along the lines of a technical manual. Think I said yesterday...or I just tweeted it...could be, but anyway, I've organized it into 3 sections - front/body/back matter - in accordance with some of the principles of the Wikipedia article on Book Design. The front and back sections mirror each other with contents/index and so forth. The body section is the big one.
I was just going to write the books content into ad hoc articles and then publish it at the end of the year, which is essentially what I plan on doing still, only modified, and then add to that for the 2015 edition, Doing it this way will build it into a compendium on games design which grows like a fungus and stays current with modern theories and methods for implementation. This is especially handy if I write anything platform or kit specific which is highly transitory and only temporarily relevant to how the industry does it.
I say my method of construction is modified because yesterday I realized how I had set up the thesis and decided to use the same methodology again.
The basic tenant of how to design games in my literal book is that you start with analysis of what already exists. This is to say that you need some way of categorizing computer games which exist right now so your contribution to the industry has a defined type and you can then check out other titles of the same type for general structure, what worked and what didn't, and then implement the best subsystems into your game.
So the way I've laid the book out is so the first section is Analysis [Categorization] which firstly serves to outline the virtual shell of all computer games [there really is an almost (note almost as there are, of course, exceptions) uniform structure to all games as you essentially require the same functionality in the same general format regardless of your game], then secondly follows that up with a redefinition of genre identification [which includes only 5 genre's with subgenres for categorizing anything more specific, and definitively does not include the fucking Action or Adventure genres, which are blatant misnomers carried over from the TV and Movie industry where they are in fact apt].
The next five sections then serve to identify and categorize the various systems and information which are iconic to any given genre. The Strategy [Information] section for example serves to identify the base quantified attributes of anything and everything within a virtual interactive environment - what, why, when, where, who, and how essentially. Then the Roleplaying [Setting] section serves to identify the representation of those attributes in a presented form - the last section quantifies the figures, whilst this one presents it graphically. Platforming [Environs], Racing [Interface], and Combat [Interactions] build upon these principles until you have a fully functional virtual interactive system. To change the game you just need to define or not define where the goal posts are in terms of need and objective.
I'm still kind of unpacking information from the back of my personal library - think of it like unlocking layered zip files...seriously, I write one layer down in Google Docs and then a few more zip files decompress and dump a fuck ton of information back into the forefront of my consciousness. Apparently that's how my brain does business. It stores absolutely everything but so as not to drive me bugfuck insane it compresses a fuckton [which are proper units of measurement don't cha know] of it and puts it in storage until I try to recall it and then it spools back out into active memory. Yesterday when I started the process of recall and documentation it felt like someone was frying my forebrain with electrodes and I went to bed with a headache.
The human brain is an amazing place, and either mine's a special one or other people just don't try to think about the world around them. :P
Gonna go widdle, have a drink, play a few matches of Hearthstone and then focus on getting the last of my coursework done. I'm probably just tired and not especially in high spirits due to the crappy food and caffeine I've been getting lately [if healthy veggies and a fuckton of pasta can be considered crappy anyway].
Get some proper fruit, cheese, bread and stuff tomorrow, some Monster Assault, and start revising for my exam resit. That's the ticket. And focus on getting into the police force. My lady friend's activities are her own concern for now. I've always thought it was too soon to be so focused on one person, but she's the only one around who seems to give a shit about me at the moment so.
That's the point really. For all the women and a few men who've shown sexual interest at me over the last few weeks, only one has shown real concern and offered to buy me food, rather than what I could give them. She might be a bit silly, not traditionally the type of girl I'm interested in physically, and not nearly on my level mentally, but she puts up with my batshit crazy and actually gives a flying fuck about my well being.
At the end of the day, what matters more?
See you on and on...
11/10/2014
Ouchies from Running, and A Journal of Computer Games RnD
Good afternoon people, I hurts in places I didn't even know I had places.
Apparently when you do a fuckton of fast walking, take a few days off, catch up on your sleep, and eat a lot pasta, you heal up and get a LOT stronger. I surmise this on the basis that I went running last night, took flight on the first length, then my lungs tried to implode before the second because my muscles can outpace my ability to take in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide, and then I made the full length of the run at a pace higher than normal without really thinking about it.
The effect of this is to leave me in quite a bit of pain today because I basically pushed muscle and bone weighing 90 kilos 20 miles at speeds most people ride bicycles at. xD
It was a fucking good run, I now just feel like a ton of zombie bits held together with caffeine.
Just parked in McDonalds instead of the library today so I can download some stuff the library blocks and stay here most of the day instead of going home at 17:00.
Listening to some Muse, the 2nd Law, which I've never heard before. Their older stuff, like Hysteria, was better than their newer stuff where they went more majestically epic instead of developing their harsher rage and screamo stuff but I'm always willing to give a band a second chance. That said the last and final My Chemical Romance album was dreadful apart from two songs and they decided to shut down the band before they totally crashed and burned in my view.
Anyway, plan on getting several hours of college work done today as soon as I'm done writing this and constructing the formatting for my new Computer Games Design journal in Google Drive.
I keep meaning to write my thesis and publish it as a technical manual on the basics of proper and correct computer games design, but asides from lacking the time to put my effort into it I keep losing it to computer's breaking down and running out of money to pay for the website where it's hosted or whatever.
Google Drive is a cloud service though and it's tied to a 'professional' email address I've held with Google for several years, and this time I'm not trying to write a formalized publication.
Given the ongoing persistence I've displayed with this blog [apart from when I lacked a PC or PC like object and this became a pain in the ass to update on a regular basis] this time I'm going for an A5 and design formatted [see Wikipedia link below] document in Google Drive which I update daily with articles on various games design topics. Then on a yearly basis I can publish or disassemble that document and reassemble the content into an organized industry journal on the subject.
Meanwhile I regularly produce volumes of research for the industry to make use of, gain a continual stream of revenue from their publications, and construct a portfolio of work from their writing.
If I ever wish to actually work in the industry, even as a consultant as I dislike working on singular projects as they're usually too narrow to hold my interest, few heads of few studios would turn me away if I slapped down on their desk half a dozen thick volumes covered in quotes by industry vets saying things like 'this man literally wrote the book on games design'...alright, that might be blowing my own brass horn on the subject but I do know what I talk about when I talk about games design.
So there's that.
My lady friend is currently shacked up in a hotel room with her man friend.
One of her sentences included the line "He has nipped out to get some lunch so I'm sprawling out on the bed" and that she was sore, which my paranoia presented me with an image of her laying languidly satisfied after athletic sex and awaiting nourishment. Probably not that, like, at all, but that's paranoia for you.
I like my paranoia. Given the universe I occupy, and the planet I'm on, and the species I belong to, it's a wise and friendly adviser. But in this case I have little choice but to accept what she says as the truth because it's not like I can find out otherwise. *shrug*
...yeesh, I am totally running out of gas and I've only been here 2 hours. More caffeine I think but I'm done here.
Switched back to Kraddy about 2-3 songs into that Muse album because it was bland drivel and Kraddy's baselines sync with my soul. :P
Couple of matches of Hearthstone, polish off the formatting of my games design journal and then do college coursework till around 11 tonight. More of the same tomorrow.
Bai peeps.
Apparently when you do a fuckton of fast walking, take a few days off, catch up on your sleep, and eat a lot pasta, you heal up and get a LOT stronger. I surmise this on the basis that I went running last night, took flight on the first length, then my lungs tried to implode before the second because my muscles can outpace my ability to take in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide, and then I made the full length of the run at a pace higher than normal without really thinking about it.
The effect of this is to leave me in quite a bit of pain today because I basically pushed muscle and bone weighing 90 kilos 20 miles at speeds most people ride bicycles at. xD
It was a fucking good run, I now just feel like a ton of zombie bits held together with caffeine.
Just parked in McDonalds instead of the library today so I can download some stuff the library blocks and stay here most of the day instead of going home at 17:00.
Listening to some Muse, the 2nd Law, which I've never heard before. Their older stuff, like Hysteria, was better than their newer stuff where they went more majestically epic instead of developing their harsher rage and screamo stuff but I'm always willing to give a band a second chance. That said the last and final My Chemical Romance album was dreadful apart from two songs and they decided to shut down the band before they totally crashed and burned in my view.
Anyway, plan on getting several hours of college work done today as soon as I'm done writing this and constructing the formatting for my new Computer Games Design journal in Google Drive.
I keep meaning to write my thesis and publish it as a technical manual on the basics of proper and correct computer games design, but asides from lacking the time to put my effort into it I keep losing it to computer's breaking down and running out of money to pay for the website where it's hosted or whatever.
Google Drive is a cloud service though and it's tied to a 'professional' email address I've held with Google for several years, and this time I'm not trying to write a formalized publication.
Given the ongoing persistence I've displayed with this blog [apart from when I lacked a PC or PC like object and this became a pain in the ass to update on a regular basis] this time I'm going for an A5 and design formatted [see Wikipedia link below] document in Google Drive which I update daily with articles on various games design topics. Then on a yearly basis I can publish or disassemble that document and reassemble the content into an organized industry journal on the subject.
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_design
Meanwhile I regularly produce volumes of research for the industry to make use of, gain a continual stream of revenue from their publications, and construct a portfolio of work from their writing.
If I ever wish to actually work in the industry, even as a consultant as I dislike working on singular projects as they're usually too narrow to hold my interest, few heads of few studios would turn me away if I slapped down on their desk half a dozen thick volumes covered in quotes by industry vets saying things like 'this man literally wrote the book on games design'...alright, that might be blowing my own brass horn on the subject but I do know what I talk about when I talk about games design.
So there's that.
My lady friend is currently shacked up in a hotel room with her man friend.
One of her sentences included the line "He has nipped out to get some lunch so I'm sprawling out on the bed" and that she was sore, which my paranoia presented me with an image of her laying languidly satisfied after athletic sex and awaiting nourishment. Probably not that, like, at all, but that's paranoia for you.
I like my paranoia. Given the universe I occupy, and the planet I'm on, and the species I belong to, it's a wise and friendly adviser. But in this case I have little choice but to accept what she says as the truth because it's not like I can find out otherwise. *shrug*
...yeesh, I am totally running out of gas and I've only been here 2 hours. More caffeine I think but I'm done here.
Switched back to Kraddy about 2-3 songs into that Muse album because it was bland drivel and Kraddy's baselines sync with my soul. :P
Couple of matches of Hearthstone, polish off the formatting of my games design journal and then do college coursework till around 11 tonight. More of the same tomorrow.
Bai peeps.
10/10/2014
New Levels of Paranoia and How To Get Goods for Online Stores...
Friday.
Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday...I didn't write that for funzies, I actually thought that, in varying tones of suspicion, because who doesn't suspect something everyone else claims is just awesomesauce?
Not much happened since last I posted.
Had a very large dinner after buying some more potatoes and bread, which I'm keeping in a metal draw built into the framework of the 3 layer bunk bed in my room in the hostel to prevent thieves from taking it.
Settled a concern with my lady friend over an incident with her ex where he's now harassing her, and she's reported him to the police, and I advised her, and checked my advice with my certificate in basic policing tutor, and he told me that my advice was good, and GG basically.
Told my lady friend I was jealous of her [which I am because he's like a better version of myself, or luckier anyway] and she made an effort to get closer to me and I gave her my phone number and that, and another bond got formed basically. Right now I'm just organizing nudes and things from her in places so I'm horny as hell besides. Either I need more pics/vids or I need her naked on my lap, one of the two.
Would do more about that, but she's still mid way through hospitalization and recovery and I'm still fighting my way through ridiculous bullshit to get into the police, so it has to wait. I'm thinking though that if I can sort things out by new years then maybe we can ring in the new year with a BANG, so to speak, hehe.
Then I downloaded S08E04-8 and watched them last night and this morning. Pretty good. More or less. Like the new Doctor. Got a few laughs out of the last episode, which is noteworthy because I laugh maybe once a month because I'm a cynical bastard and too intelligent to find all that much humorous.
Then I got the library and am updating this before doing quizzes and then going running tonight. My freaking right hip/thigh muscle hurts, and think I damaged something over the last week or so. The pain will probably vanish once I get going tonight, I've had enough food, so if it is debilitating I'll simply not run until next Wednesday or something, skip Monday, and see if that helps. It's probably nothing though.
Onto today's topic then; selling merch bought at auction houses on eBay.
A while back, when I was staying in the last hostel I was in, before I had a laptop to download TV, I watched broadcast TV whilst I was eating breakfast and given that it was daytime and I'm a fully fledged adult now, I enjoyed watching shows about airport staff and security operations, like luggage inspection.
A part of one of these shows, I forget which, included a segment on lost luggage and abandoned airplane cargo, which they were selling in publicly accessible auctions.
A Google search later and I found out that auction houses in London represent airports - Hearthrow and Gatwick being the local two - in selling their lost and abandoned swag to the public.
I always wondered how people on eBay and Amazon were able to sell their products so cheaply and where the hell they acquired the goods seeing as the wholesalers and actual manufacturers charged a litteral fuckton of coin to acquire anything, and always sell in bulk quantities.
Turns out, this is probably how. They simply find an auction house which sells this lost and abandoned but perfectly brand new and box sealed product that no owner claimed and no owner is traceable, then buy it for a fraction of it's value [the free SPACE on their property is worth more to the airports than the product is I think, which they were paid to move and keep safe to begin with in any case] and then the new owner sells it online for a 90% mark up.
They can't choose what, they can't choose how much, and they sometimes don't even know if it works.
The goods are sold on sight valuation, that is, someone glances at them, identifies what's sitting there to make sure it's not drugs or weapons or whatever, and then sells it without knowledge of operational status.
However it's a fair bet that inside the box is what's printed outside, you can sometimes get single items, sometimes incomplete items [laptops sans hard drives for example] and sometimes a stack of mint condition product.
It's a fucking epic deal for all concerned - the airports get rid of it at a profit, the buyer sells the product for a huge profit, and everybody wins...well, except the idiot or unforunate chap who lost it in the transportation network anyway, but we don't know who the hell that is.
So, that's what I plan on doing, and if anyone wants in on the game, go Google search auction houses which sell lost and/or abandoned goods from airports in your local big city.
I still don't know how much money it takes to enter play, but by the looks of it just a hundred or so is enough to pick up something cheap but valuable enough to make a few hundred back.
It's something I've always wanted to do; sell stuff online and then buy shop space somewhere. Be one of the links in the chain of provisioning people with products. Be a merchant, basically. But I've never had the money or sources of product to do it. I'm a thinker, not a trader unfortunately.
Nothing says I can't do it as a hobby though. The game designer's form of gambling perhaps. It's one of those things, like making an anthology novels using other peoples work, that I'd like to invest some time and energy in when I have the ability to do so.
And this means I need to gain the resources from elsewhere, such as police work.
Which incidentally, I should be doing right now.
When the time comes I'll post more on this because win or lose it should at least be interesting.
The future holds for me college quiz work, then running, dinner, more college quizzes tomorrow and Sunday, then Monday rent, organize acom for next week, laundry, and revising for the resits that I organized yesterday with my certificate in basic policing course tutor [a different guy to the admin tutor I had a go at last week].
YUP.
OH: Also going to try and arrange some internet time for voice or video with my lady friend. She wanted to cyber sex last weekend but I don't have the ICT resources. I mean, seriously, get to know some people because I've found a highly sexual babe who enjoys being tied up and orgasm tortured and has a really cuddly personality. Fun times are ahead, but you need to meet some peeps to get this stuff, even if you ordinarily hate humanity.
Bai bai.
Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday...I didn't write that for funzies, I actually thought that, in varying tones of suspicion, because who doesn't suspect something everyone else claims is just awesomesauce?
Not much happened since last I posted.
Had a very large dinner after buying some more potatoes and bread, which I'm keeping in a metal draw built into the framework of the 3 layer bunk bed in my room in the hostel to prevent thieves from taking it.
Settled a concern with my lady friend over an incident with her ex where he's now harassing her, and she's reported him to the police, and I advised her, and checked my advice with my certificate in basic policing tutor, and he told me that my advice was good, and GG basically.
Told my lady friend I was jealous of her [which I am because he's like a better version of myself, or luckier anyway] and she made an effort to get closer to me and I gave her my phone number and that, and another bond got formed basically. Right now I'm just organizing nudes and things from her in places so I'm horny as hell besides. Either I need more pics/vids or I need her naked on my lap, one of the two.
Would do more about that, but she's still mid way through hospitalization and recovery and I'm still fighting my way through ridiculous bullshit to get into the police, so it has to wait. I'm thinking though that if I can sort things out by new years then maybe we can ring in the new year with a BANG, so to speak, hehe.
Then I downloaded S08E04-8 and watched them last night and this morning. Pretty good. More or less. Like the new Doctor. Got a few laughs out of the last episode, which is noteworthy because I laugh maybe once a month because I'm a cynical bastard and too intelligent to find all that much humorous.
Then I got the library and am updating this before doing quizzes and then going running tonight. My freaking right hip/thigh muscle hurts, and think I damaged something over the last week or so. The pain will probably vanish once I get going tonight, I've had enough food, so if it is debilitating I'll simply not run until next Wednesday or something, skip Monday, and see if that helps. It's probably nothing though.
Onto today's topic then; selling merch bought at auction houses on eBay.
A while back, when I was staying in the last hostel I was in, before I had a laptop to download TV, I watched broadcast TV whilst I was eating breakfast and given that it was daytime and I'm a fully fledged adult now, I enjoyed watching shows about airport staff and security operations, like luggage inspection.
A part of one of these shows, I forget which, included a segment on lost luggage and abandoned airplane cargo, which they were selling in publicly accessible auctions.
A Google search later and I found out that auction houses in London represent airports - Hearthrow and Gatwick being the local two - in selling their lost and abandoned swag to the public.
I always wondered how people on eBay and Amazon were able to sell their products so cheaply and where the hell they acquired the goods seeing as the wholesalers and actual manufacturers charged a litteral fuckton of coin to acquire anything, and always sell in bulk quantities.
Turns out, this is probably how. They simply find an auction house which sells this lost and abandoned but perfectly brand new and box sealed product that no owner claimed and no owner is traceable, then buy it for a fraction of it's value [the free SPACE on their property is worth more to the airports than the product is I think, which they were paid to move and keep safe to begin with in any case] and then the new owner sells it online for a 90% mark up.
They can't choose what, they can't choose how much, and they sometimes don't even know if it works.
The goods are sold on sight valuation, that is, someone glances at them, identifies what's sitting there to make sure it's not drugs or weapons or whatever, and then sells it without knowledge of operational status.
However it's a fair bet that inside the box is what's printed outside, you can sometimes get single items, sometimes incomplete items [laptops sans hard drives for example] and sometimes a stack of mint condition product.
It's a fucking epic deal for all concerned - the airports get rid of it at a profit, the buyer sells the product for a huge profit, and everybody wins...well, except the idiot or unforunate chap who lost it in the transportation network anyway, but we don't know who the hell that is.
So, that's what I plan on doing, and if anyone wants in on the game, go Google search auction houses which sell lost and/or abandoned goods from airports in your local big city.
I still don't know how much money it takes to enter play, but by the looks of it just a hundred or so is enough to pick up something cheap but valuable enough to make a few hundred back.
It's something I've always wanted to do; sell stuff online and then buy shop space somewhere. Be one of the links in the chain of provisioning people with products. Be a merchant, basically. But I've never had the money or sources of product to do it. I'm a thinker, not a trader unfortunately.
Nothing says I can't do it as a hobby though. The game designer's form of gambling perhaps. It's one of those things, like making an anthology novels using other peoples work, that I'd like to invest some time and energy in when I have the ability to do so.
And this means I need to gain the resources from elsewhere, such as police work.
Which incidentally, I should be doing right now.
When the time comes I'll post more on this because win or lose it should at least be interesting.
The future holds for me college quiz work, then running, dinner, more college quizzes tomorrow and Sunday, then Monday rent, organize acom for next week, laundry, and revising for the resits that I organized yesterday with my certificate in basic policing course tutor [a different guy to the admin tutor I had a go at last week].
YUP.
OH: Also going to try and arrange some internet time for voice or video with my lady friend. She wanted to cyber sex last weekend but I don't have the ICT resources. I mean, seriously, get to know some people because I've found a highly sexual babe who enjoys being tied up and orgasm tortured and has a really cuddly personality. Fun times are ahead, but you need to meet some peeps to get this stuff, even if you ordinarily hate humanity.
Bai bai.