The Forth Time...

So apparently I'm now blogging monthly. If I had left this until tomorrow it would've been to the day too.

Today is Wednesday, I feel slightly fried from the gym and my stomach isn't precisely thrilled to belong to me at the moment, which is either the caffeine or the wholegrain cheese n salad baguette I ate last night and pooped all of this morning.

Currently sitting in a hostel's common room I've been staying in for several weeks now listening to some Papa Roach and trying to find something to do with myself for the next four weeks whilst waiting on a medical form to finalize my application to the Met Police in London.

The title of this post is because you can add to the list of fuckups in my application to the police:

• Medical forms, which should take all of a few days of wait time if you drop off a medical questionnaire with a doctor, taking more than a month to be returned to me because firstly I had to register with a new doctors [after trying to college the forms from my old doctors and being told I had been registered so there was nothing they could do for me] and secondly order new forms and getting told that either a] I could wait for my medical records to come through from their information warehouse and submit the form [3 day turn around] or b] request that the medical form [4 pages] is faxed/emailed to my doctors from my medical records. I opted for B because the form is already signed and they said it'd be quicker, but a month later I'm still waiting for it.

The list of fuck ups already consists of the following:

• Chest infection plus awake for more than 24 hours plus no food plus bitch of a fitness examiner during my fitness test who bullied me in front of everyone else, probably because she assumed I had been out drinking instead of ill and studying for a policing exam.
• Broken PC and an idiot college which wouldn't allow me to use their ICT resources to do their entirely online college course which resulted in me having to use my eight year old iPhone [which has since been fucking stolen btw].
• The Job Center putting me on an 'Employability Skills Course' which in combination with living on the other side of London resulted in two individual failures to finish the resit exams, themselves generated by fuckup number two.

So now I've got my certification [I passed the exams eventually, although I did the last five exams sleepless and hungry, but only the last 2 highly caffeinated, which just wasn't pleasant] and am sitting on my gods damn hands waiting for the above medical forms.

It's a four page fucking document, and apparently there isn't someone who can go to fucking filing, pluck out the forms, and send them to my fucking doctors.

Since it's started averaging 5 degrees here in London I joined Puregym for around 23 quid a month and started hitting the weights so I can regain some of my old muscle strength [used to be able to lift around 80kgs on a single arm] and not go running in freezing cold air and damage my lungs.

I've started to gain weight now after a couple of weeks in screaming pain, when I wasn't hopped up on pain killers, from the muscle taring [long time unexercised muscle tissue hurts like fuck when you when you first hit the gym] and my recovery time has dropped from more than a week down to a few days.

The downside of this, as I knew would happen, is that the constant lack of energy and presence of pain is making me more aggressive, and whereas last time I alternated between working out and playing League of Legends and had an outlet for major angeries, what I've got this time is alternating between working out and being fucking pissed at the last six months of world class fuckups.

I've sorted out the issues with the job center [my current adviser, a new lady in a different borough, leaves me to get on with it and just has me sign on, which is nice] so all I've got to do is record a few jobs per day and keep checking for the medical form.

I wake up, I set up my crappy toy PC, I play some Hearthstone over breakfast, I hit the gym if able, and watch TV. Been at that for about two weeks now, and as it's December I won't be starting with the police until the new year even if I handed the form in today.

Anywhere between a month to two months with nothing but gym and watching TV, at the end of which I should have my medical forms and a paid training start date with the coppers and can finally shitcan by benefits claim.

Woo-fucking-hoo. This is assuming I don't get so bored I walk into traffic, or even more fun, the MPS have shitcanned my application because it's taken more than six months to get my certification and medical forms sorted [at which point I will be explaining, very politely, where they can shove it and just how far it can go, and I'm not even kidding because the shit I've gone through here is...it reads like a fucking joke really, a bad joke].

...I'm fine. Sitting around bored off my ass with no money but with TV and a PC able run MS Word and Firefox with a fully stocked pantry and a gym subscription...well...it could be worst, gods know it could be worse...

What else?

Well, women I guess. Last week, in the span of 2-3 days I had four women make a run at me.

The most notable of these is the receptionist of the hostel I'm staying in. She has the total hots for me for some reason and has made a point to hint that a] she's interested and b] very single. She's as sexy as fuck, this 5.7 brunet from California with a unique voice who slinks around the hostel like a cat. The issue, as there always is one, is however that she smokes, is technophobic [uses a Mac, ewww], and has no self-confidence.

First she said she couldn't concentrate when serving me, then went mute in a nervous way, and then spent some time staring at me and hanging around me whilst I used my PC in the common room, and then had a loud conversation with a friend about how she was single and lonely.

Why can't girls just come and actually introduce themselves and talk to me like I'm a real human being for crying out loud?

Anyway, I don't think it ever occurred to her that the issue is that she smokes. I mean, her personally is totally wrong for me too really, but I don't need to look further than the smoking.

Out of the other three, two were smokers, one dressed sexy and hung around and may have been a coincidence, and the other stared at me after she caught me staring at the other one's ass [black body stocking man, it was hard not to] but I knew she smoked so, NOPE.

The forth didn't even try to be subtle, she just saw me brushing my teeth on the top floor bathrooms of the hostel, stripped naked and went to the toilets, then asked me the time whilst giving me the full frontal view. Not subtle, highly arousing, major ego boost, but like most gentlemen this approach doesn't work with me. I'm not losing my virginity to a women I don't know the name of in a hostel toilet.

At this point I'm wondering precisely how sexy women must rate me to keep trying this stuff on. I mean, wouldn't you start to wonder where you rate on the scale of physical appeal when so many women keep throwing themselves at you hoping to stick?

Shame none of them are my breed really. I'm a geek, a nerd, and an introvert, and an intellectual, whilst the exercise is just a coincidence. Give me one of my kind who doesn't smoke and I'd be all over that like butter on bread. Even even if she wasn't exceptionally minded, even if she wasn't as mad for exercise, hell, even if she was a music nerd instead of into games, I wouldn't mind someone like that, but these girls...meh. I refuse to date a bloody smoker, and beyond sex these girls couldn't offer me anything on a mental level much less understand me.

Fucking sucks.

I think I've probably mentioned this is previous posts, that I was using Reddit, an online forum, for fun. That's over and finished now, because of the same old issues I've got with forums; users and moderators.

Some time ago I picked up an online stalker who was following my account around the subreddits, posting vicious and hate filled comments after my posts, who then moved onto quoting my posts out of context on subreddits like 'I Am Very Smart' and declaring that the joke or sarcasm I posted was serious in order to taunt me.

Eventually I got his accounts deleted by the administration of the website after I made new accounts to try to lose him, he found those, and then made more than a dozen alternatives to continue stalking me, a few of which were banned from subreddits [you get all your accounts removed if you try to make new accounts to dodge subreddit bans].

What caused me to delete my own accounts and leave the site is that I was getting bored with all the 'I'm so in love' and 'How is your day' posts on Casual Conversation [one of the few subreddits I found enjoyable to read daily], then someone posts 'I'm 22 and think I'll be forever alone'. Being epically tired from the gym, it 2am, and the guy being a moron I called him an idiot.

So a mod then issues me with a warning, and instead of saying 'Whoops, so sorry old boy, won't happen again', I asked him to define what one of the two subreddit rules 'Respect Others' means. After 3-4 back and forth pms between myself and the mods, their replies being something like 'Shut up or go away' they banned me for refusing to following subreddit rules, which I wasn't, it's just 'Respect others' is very badly defined and I was asking why I can't call idiots stupid.

Anyway, I reported this to the website's admin and said so, and then a few of the mods [they had recruited some new ones] got together, searched my post history and IP, found some comments like 'Your dog sucks' and the alt accounts I had, and then said that I was violating rules and that I would get an IP ban from the site for evading subreddit bans [this was after they banned me from Casual Conversation].

The comments were actually replies to someone bitching about their own pet and my agreement with their sentiment [they didn't bother to read the entire conversation and were witch hunting] and my alt accounts were made weeks/months ago to dodge my cyberstalker [they didn't/couldn't check the account creation dates]. It was at this point I thought What the fuck am I doing here? and closed the browser and went to bed. When I woke up this morning I realized that I'm arguing with witchhunting authority complex syndrome online forum moderators because I called someone who was bitching about being forever alone at 22 years old a fucking moron...I might be insane but I'm not that stupid, then I deleted the accounts without reading any replies.

If you have any kind of intelligence just don't use online communication forums. Either you end up arguing with pond scum or you end up on the receiving end of people who find it easier to suspend and ban accounts than discuss subjects like human beings.

Now, I'm becoming a police officer, a moderator for the real world, and if I see shit like the above I swear to whatever god or gods there might be that I will arrest my own colleges before letting that shit go down. FUCK.

So whats next seeing as I've got all this free time and just blew up my best timesink?

I was thinking of doing some computer games design. I've got a thesis document on the subject in production which I can add to, and I've dug out my old camera demo and can rework that on a data processing level [no graphics because this toy laptop can't process that much] for proof of theory.

It's a way to pass the time until I get the medical forms. Plus I seriously considering finding some temp work to do over Christmas. You never know, someone might give me something and I can use the money to get a laptop able to run League of Legends and spend Christmas and New Years playing the upgraded Summoners Rift. It's a dream, lol. I'd give pretty much anything to be playing that right now...

Asides from that, sit on top of my personal heater and write or watch TV, go to the gym when able, and keep checking for the forms until they arrive, and then see if my application is still valid.

I might look into what other policing qualifications and I can get whilst I'm sitting around, like first aid or maybe a Certificate in Policing [the one I have is Basic Policing see] which should give me more cred when I get into uniform. We'll see what's what.

As I say, feeling kinda sick and kinda hungry so first thing is some House M.D. and cheese n tuna salad I think...I've no clue, really zero idea how, but I really would like to get laid before the end of the year. Just got to find a non-smoking attractive geeky nerd in the vicinity who doesn't mind a guy with no money and anger issues, lol, easy.

Final thought: Papa Roach fucking kicks ass.

All Sorted Out...

Feels like it's been a fairly busy three or four days, but it hasn't really, it's just been a lot of traveling interspersed by periods of heavy thinking.

…Damn…looking over my last post I was about two steps from going totally bananas. I’m doing a lot better now. It’s fine.

After I got my claim transferred to my local job centre I was removed from the full time employability skills course. This is to say that my last advisor hasn’t contacted me about not attending it and my current advisor signed me on Wednesday so providing my money is in my account on Monday then there shouldn’t be any issue.

I’ve also handed in all the evidence required to my local housing benefits office to get my claim transferred from the previous housing office to this new one. I’m not entirely happy about this as they said it would take two weeks to process and that’s more time than I have until I need the money to pay my rent at this hostel, but it’s one of those cross checks. Every time they go to pay your housing benefit they check your address with the job centre’s records, and if the two don’t match it isn’t paid.

So yeah, everyone is updated with all the evidence they need and the new job centre isn’t trying to put me on any type of employability skills program here so I have all the time I need to get my revision done for my exam on the 08/11/14.

On the other hand it’s a 50/50 bet if I’ll get my JSA on Monday and my HB on the following Monday. All I can do is get up early and check first my bank and then the offices to find out if there are any issues and if I can get the money that day because the hostel I’m staying in won’t take ‘I’ll have it in a few days’ for payment. ‘No credit’ is literally splattered across the walls of the reception area so…we’ll see what happens come Monday.

For now I’ve gotten plenty of rest, rebuilt my sanity from something like sand to, if not rock, then at least gravel, so I’m not longer giggling like a crazy thing and my left eye hasn’t twitched since I was at the housing office on Tuesday.

Still haven’t sent the bloody medical forms to the MPS. Sorting out the JSA and HB cost me too much in bus fare so there was not enough left to get to my doctors AND pay for the forms.

On the upside, this means that I’ve got plenty of cash to buy food and that with, not that I need it after a super cheap veggie run at a local Morrisons [seriously, those guys are selling veggies at ½ the cost of Sainsburys and Tescos, it’s amazing].

On the downside, I’ve told them I’ll send it to them every Monday for the past three weeks and failed every time because of costs of moving acom, and then that fucking employability skills course being three hours down the road. Next Monday I’ve got bank fees which takes away the money I need, followed the week after by the fees for my resit exam. So two weeks Monday [assuming everything remains stable] is when I’ll be able to actually fucking pay for and send them.

The fact that the forms are basically nothing more than a guy’s signature that confirms I’m in perfect health [not that the Doctor even fucking CHECKED to make sure I was] just pisses me off even more.

Anyway, point is that here and now and until Monday morning I don’t really have any issues [about four days], apart from waking up this morning feeling horrible.

I think the heat in the dorm I’m staying in messed with my thyroid or something because I spent a couple of hours radiating heat from my skin like a patio heater. Didn’t feel too bad after I went out and got a can of Monster caffeine, but you could’ve cooked a side of bacon on my bald head.

Then spent way too long playing Hearthstone after I worked out a somewhat epic build for the Hunter class and was able to get from lv20 [entry] up to lv16. Currently at lv17 because it’s more or less the luck of the fucking draw if you get a good hand or not and I tend to lose about 45% of my matches through bad hands and opponent lucky ones.

Today was the first bit of real morning relaxation I’ve had in a couple of weeks though so I earned it I think.

Just writing this and then going to grab some lunch next. After that I’m gonna add a bit more to my book on computer games design before either doing some revision, or going to have a shower and then doing revision, one of those.

I’m really liking the work I’m doing in my computer games design book actually.

I’ve structured the content in just the right way so as to explain the basic skeletal structure of computer games and then explain in detail the flesh which can be selected to hang from it for the gameplay.

It’s still in the very early stages but what I’ve done so far isn’t just correct but also right, in some fundamental way.

Still need to rewrite the introduction and things though so it’s less ‘raving madman who’s one step from committing his first homicide’ and more ‘professional erudite scholar of computer games design’.

The content still has an edge to it that implies that if you don’t understand what I’ve written then you have no fucking business designing a computer game, but hey, that’s what makes it good.

I’m no elitist, I don’t care who studied what and where, but I don’t tolerate fools and the industry is full of them.

I’ll write it. I’ll call the readers idiots on every other page. And then when said idiots take offence, I’ll enjoy [in my sick and perverted way of thriving on ‘The Fight’] laughing at their ire. I’m a fucking genius morons, and you are not. I am right, and you are wrong. Just because that’s a fact doesn’t mean you get to be angry about it.

No, it’s not the right fucking professional way to go about doing business with a lot of people, but it is the way someone abused and ignored for three decades takes his small revenge on the masses; being a passive aggressive dick whilst also being uncontestably right about everything everyone else gets wrong.

Fuck everyone. The last couple of weeks have taught me one simple fact; if I want to get anywhere in life then someone else is going to have to pay for it. In time, energy, money or simple fury, someone else is going to have to cough up if I want to rise because otherwise people will just keep shitting on me. And enough is ENOUGH.

Clawing out my insides with hunger right now so wrapping this up. Still listening to Papa Roach. Still enjoying it immensely, especially Alive [N Out of Control]. Wanna go get some exercise today but probably tomorrow because my vision just went funny [seriously fucked up morning]. Watching ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ which is surprisingly interesting for its pacing and content flashing backwards and forwards like it does.

OH: Stopped talking to that lady friend of mine. One day last week she started telling me about a friend of hers that just released a computer game into the market, and then about it’s bad reviews.

So you’re telling me, whilst I’m currently more angry than I’ve been in my entire life, about someone with the money to do the thing I’m best at in the world who released a whole actual game who fucked it up.

Yeah, we’re not friends anymore. I mean, I don’t need people, I really don’t, and at a time when I’m hating them more than usual this person stabs me in the heart without even realizing.

Plus her medical issues have gotten worse and don’t appear to be getting better any time soon. Plus after I stopped making efforts to contact her she didn’t make any effort to contact me.

I want sex. I want someone around, actually around, not just online, who can provide me real help and interaction who doesn’t piss me off. Who isn’t a fucking moron.

I don’t need it though. Hell, I don’t think right now is even the right time for that kind of thing given the work I need to get done. It’s just a distraction that messes with my head and emotions. But it’s also a base desire of being a human.

I want sex. And having someone around might be handy and make me feel good, and I can help them and care for them too.

The issue is that anything the same shape as myself causes me nothing but headaches and raised blood pressure. Humans are the enemy. There isn’t one in existence who would be a partner to me, only a trusted enemy who I would have to fucking babysit most of the time to curb their stupidity. A drag. A weight. Another problem.

It’s just the way it is. Better off alone...but I want sex.

Fucking humans man. Fuck being one too.

Anyway, getting edibles…

It Just Keeps Getting Worse...

...fuck me.

My last post was more than a week ago. This is because, as I said in my last post, that this week I would be revising for my resit exam for my certificate in basic policing course and under taking a employability skills course at the behest of the Job Center. This was after I moved hostels on the Monday.

On Monday I did manage to move hostels just fine by using the buses to ferry my things from one hostel near Hyde Park over to another in a London borough called Islington.

This was a smart move on my part because unlike where I was staying this new hostel has better showers, is quieter, has a fridge and residents who don't steal food*, and best of all, in house wifi which permits access to torrents and a large common room with tables where I can sit and type and isn't ever cold.

*At least this week I've kept food in the fridge and, apart from a misunderstanding about labeling which resulted in my bag being placed in the staff fridge until I asked where it went, no one has stolen so much as the butter I've been eating all week.

I mean, seriously, the people here don't make noise, are really polite and it's a very nice place to stay, which is damn odd considering that I was staying in a hostel just off Hyde Park in central London with the next best thing to a collection of animate slime molds. Move two miles out of the city center to a hostel in an obviously poor borough and pay less rent, and suddenly everyone from the staff to the guests and the accommodation goes from harsh thieving thuggish scum to friendly warm easy and nice human beings. Go figure.

That however is where this week stopped being positive.

Tuesday I attended the first session of the employability skills course my job adviser at the job center put me on in spite of my certificate in basic policing course and my application to the Metropolitan Police Service, which I considered at the time to be a stupid act because I needed to revise the materials for the start of my police constable training and anything beyond that would be simply be a pointless waste of time.

He, my adviser, and the company who runs the course however told me that they would review my skills and abilities and then put me in direct contact with appropriate employers who would then hire me in the next couple of weeks. It's the sort of thing I always imagined the job center would do - take unemployed people, fine an employer and match them up - before having contact with the job center who see people as numbers on a spreadsheet, rather than as human beings.

Each of the sessions for this course were to take place 3 hours travel from where I would be staying - the new hostel I'm currently sitting in - but I only had 1 exam left and thought I could attend the course, revise in the evenings and take the resit at the end of the week. Once I pass this final resit I would then get my certificate, hand that MPS and get my full time paid training start date, job done, or started as it might be.

Thing was that the course lasted 6 hours per day, from 10am till 4pm. I had to get up at 6am to dress and travel, 4 hours total, to where the course would take place. Then it would take 3 hours to get back and another 1 for dinner. So in total that's 14 hours, less 8 hours sleep means I had 0 hours for revising, so I got about 4 hours sleep a night trying to get revision in.

Additionally the bus costs about 3-4 pounds back and forth in travel credit, even with an Oyster Card.

By the end of the week I had burned through all the money I had buying lunch whilst out and travel credit. I had also gotten so tired I started making bad choices and not watching the time and failing to revise.

Tuesday was the induction to the course.

For some reason I thought this would take place in something like a college class room setting with computers and desks and things in an office style environment.

The class took place in a community center of a bough located deep in a residential area, and looked like a wartorn pile of brick that would look at home in the live-action movie of the Fallout nuclear apocalypse roleplaying and combat game series.

Wednesday morning the course started in earnest.

I woke up to find my debit card missing. I had been using it to pay for my travel costs on the bus [contactless payment method] so I had to walk to Elephant and Castle and then take the train for free to a nearby station. For some reason they never installed security gates in Elephant and Castle shopping center or at my intended destination so it wasn't an issue to use them seeing as I would've paid if I could but couldn't. Point is that I still had to walk for several hours to get there on time and back again.

When I got to the class was where I started to become enraged with my situation because we spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips in groups.

...

Just let me type this a few more times to really let it sink in.

We spent the morning building 1m long bridges out of folded paper and paper clips.

I attended a job skills recruitment program to hang around with people who can barely read written English under the orders of the job center who are responsible for keeping me alive and getting me as quickly as possible back into full time paid employment instead of being permitted to revise for my final exam which once passed would get me full time paid employment with a public service, and I spent literal hours making a bridge out of paper and paper clips.

I SPENT HOURS OF LIFE MAKING A BRIDGE OUT OF PAPER AND FUCKING PAPER CLIPS BECAUSE A HUMAN BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING ME INTO PAID EMPLOYMENT TOLD ME THAT MY CERTIFICATE IN BASE POLICING COURSE AND MY APPLICATION TO THE METROPOLITAN POLICE SERVICE OF LONDON, ENGLAND, WASN'T WORTH ANYTHING.

...

Thursday. On Thursday I was so tired and so angry about Wednesday that mostly I sat in the class and thought about killing my job adviser, especially after the tutor of the course said 'I'm here to help you get into work'.

I'm a patient guy, honest, harmless really, unless someone actively tries to hurt or kill me anyway whereupon I disable the attacker with stupid ease and maximum ferocity. I want to be a policeman because I want to protect those who cannot protect themselves. I can be swift and deadly and dangerous, but I'm only a threat to those who harm others.

However in the course of my application the following happened which made it harder for me to get the work done. Things that others didn't have to deal with:

• I got a chest infection, my first illness in 10 years and my last since, a week before I took a fitness test with the MPS, which I still passed despite not sleeping for 24 hours due to revising for a Certificate in Basic Policing Exam, and not eating for 16 hours due to lack of coin. Plus the fucking fitness examiner bulled me during the mother fucking test! If I ever see that bitch again I'm going to make her fucking pay.
• When I went to do the coursework for my certification course, my PC broke, and the college was closed for the summer and refused me entry to use their computers, I was forced to use my 8 year old iPhone to get 75% of the coursework done.
• And then at the end of the course, 5 minuets from victory, my first full time job in about a decade of being ignored by employers, the job center, the people who are supposed to exist to get me full time paid employment, or at least stay out of the way and let me look or get educated so I can get employed, called my attempts pointless and essentially disabled my ability to finish them off after I had done 99% of the course.

At I sat in that class, tired, hungry, and ever so angry, I wanted to hurt this fucking animal that was ruining my life. I wanted him to bleed. To feel pain. To know what he was doing and to suffer thereby...

It was all fantasy. I haven't and won't lay a finger on him. There is a vast difference between wishing someone dead and killing them. I wish him to suffer for what he did, but that doesn't mean I'm going to cause it.

I left there at the end of the session, even more angry after I requested Friday off to spend the day catching up on my rest and revising for the exam and being denied. I told my college tutor about this circumstances and he told me to do half this week and half next week, which sounded like a good idea. But they refused to give me Friday off, citing that the job center had to sign off on it. I admit I didn't ask my job adviser for the day off. He didn't know the course content of the employability skills course, he's never seen evidence of my knowledge and abilities, he never asked for confirmation I was enrolled at college or the letters I've received for the police regarding my application. He put me on the employability skills course and prevented me from completing my college course in total ignorance. I was angry. I wasn't going to go ask him for the day off. He would say no. Then he would die after I tore out his throat with my teeth.

So I went home. Whereupon I took the train. Went through the security gates without worrying about paying because I was too tired and angry to really notice the world around me at that point. And of course the train company and police was checking for tickets at the gate. With no debit card I had to provide them with my name and address and national insurance number and will receive a letter shortly ordering me to pay a £20.00 fine. Because of my job adviser. All because I did what I had to because of one man's ignorance and stupidity.

Friday, I gave up.

I got up and got half way to the employability skills course location, stopped for a drink of water, and...broke.

You don't disobey or argue with the job center. Because if you do they issue sanctions. Sanctions mean your housing benefit stops [you get evicted onto the street] and your job seekers allowance is cut in half [so you can eat, just, but you're sleeping outside].

There aren't really words for my physical condition by mid Friday morning at 9am.

I had run out of travel credit and couldn't afford to buy more [the buses are no-cash based, and the amount of credit you can buy at minimum costs more than I had, so eat I could, travel I could not]. I had to walk for 3 hours to get home. I had been getting 4 hours sleep a night for several days. I hadn't been eating properly. I hadn't showered as I needed sleep more than cleaning. I was a walking wreck of a human being, mentally, physically, emotionally.

I dragged myself home, slowly because my limbs simply didn't have the energy in them that they needed to function. Got in, ate, slept for 4 hours, ate some more, and then started arranging a solution to this mess.

The solution I've found is that I needed to update my address with the job center, which I never did because it's tied to my housing benefits and my address hasn't stayed stable and the cost of rent has been anywhere from 80-120 pounds a week over the last few months. However, by doing so this will remove me from the employability skills course and it will take them a couple of weeks to get me onto a new course, giving me just enough time to take my resit and get that to the MPS.

The downside is that this may result in not being paid my housing benefits for a couple of weeks and not being able to pay my rent. So it's not a perfect solution by any means, but it's better than getting sanctions for not attending the employability skills course.

This is in process and on Monday I'll be going to the job center to finalize the transfer of my claim over to the local offices. Hopefully my housing benefit for that week will still come through so I can send my medical forms to the MPS.

It's now Saturday and I feel a hell've a lot better.

Got 10 hours sleep last night, got up and showered and shaved, then went and spend the last handful of coin I had left for this week on ham, bread, coleslaw and milk so with the apples I have a bit of everything to aid recovery until after this weekend.

Seriously though, I'm a hard guy, a bad ass, with scars in places you don't want to get scars, and I work out, and I know pain, but this morning and occasionally this afternoon I was feeling so much better by comparison to yesterday that I was laughing like a mad man. I mean, cackling laughter which cracked around the edges with the sound of a brain's sanity sloughing away.

All I know right now is that I've eaten well today, I've slept well last night and will get some more shortly, the TV is good, I'm not cold, and it doesn't hurt anymore. And I've got a chance to finish my course and get into training.

And I hate humans.

The next time someone issues me an order I don't want to do, regardless of the consequences, I won't do it. If the local job center to here orders me onto a new course, I'm not going to attend. If they sanction me, I'm going to report the adviser who does it. If that doesn't fix it, I'm going to sue. If I can't, I'm going to post the above in more detail [it's worse than I summarized] on Change.org and start a petition for change.

Fuck you human. Fuck you and your entire fucked up fucking species who keep trying to cripple and damage me. No. More. I've hit my limit. Next round, I'd rather be DEAD than take any more of this.

I mentioned a while back about gears and how I stripped one and went ape shit at my college course tutor. Well, I haven't stripped one gear. Most of the gears have broken and shattered over the last week. Now it's time for the world to change.

Going to install MS Office on my laptop, organize the 3 books I'm writing, and then go get some snooze. Tomorrow I want to organize my exam revision. 08/11/14 is when the resit is. 2 weeks later is when I'll get the results. Anyone tries to stop me from being prepared to pass the exam, I'm going to ignore them and inform them that they can burn in hell.

My final word for today is that Papa Roach is pretty damn good. The slightly older stuff is better than the newer stuff. Not that the newer stuff is crap, but it's not quite as good in my view. Getting Away With Murder, 2004, was excellent. The Paramour Sessions though, not so much.

DONE.

Tempus Fugit...

Sup. Thursday. Few things happened, although little that's a big deal.

Paid rent and things [things being laundry and buying bulk food items] on Monday. Have to relocate hostels again, again, this coming Monday after everywhere else in central London got mysteriously booked solid in it's cheaper beds.

The whether sours, the summer is over, and suddenly where I had no issues of accommodation over the summer, where it cost me about 60 a week for the crappy 'it's somewhere to sleep indoors' accommodation I'm currently staying in, everywhere is now charging 100-130 per week. Mother fucking assholes.

So I'm now moving out of central London into North East and staying in somewhere which is still costing me 10 more than where I was, about 80. Its going to be a pain in the ass to move, but there's no choice, I need the money.

I especially need the money because on Tuesday, got an email from the police recruitment office reminding me that I never handed in some medical documentation to them. Said medical documentation is simply a form which I filled out and my doctor, who I haven't seen, apart from that fucking chest infection, in ten fucking years, signed and is now charging me £30.00 to buy from him, like it was some sort of effort for the bastard to sign off. No discounts for the unemployed either. Bastards. There was a hint though that unless I get my recruitment with the MPS finished soon then they'll cancel my application, so I have to hand it in and this Monday.

So of course, after that I get a phone call from the recruitment office the job center referred me to asking [See: telling] me to come in for my marching orders the following day at 11am. And like I predicted they told me that 4 days a week, 6 hours a day, I need to be doing some sort of ill-defined job skills training course for 8 weeks, and the other day, Monday, I need to check in with their offices.

So in this hand we have the Metropolitan Police Service telling me to hurry the fuck up with my application.

And in this hand we have the Job Center telling me they're here to get me into work whilst taking the time away I need to finish off my certification course and be prepared for training with a job skills training course which is designed for people who have 1/10th my intelligence if that.

Like usual, my life is organizing itself so what should be a fairly easy task - a few quizzes and a 2 hour exam - is neigh impossible because humanity is trying to help me...and people wonder why I hate humans.

The one bright spot is that this doesn't seem all that hard really.

The college work, after a bit of organization, appears to be no more than 1-2 days hard work. 2/3rds of the remaining coursework quizzes were 0-10 questions long, and I did them. The remaining 3 are 25ish each. Then I just need to answer about a dozen questions in the exams, which shouldn't be too hard once I look up the answers and drum them into my abused skull.

I have time for that little work...I think...though that still leaves me behind in the revision of the materials so I know what I'm about on the first day of training.

I'm not at all confident about this job skills training course thingy though. I've done such things before and what they amount to is a lot of busy work without any real guidance.

What's currently got me at a loss though is that I've told the job center, the job recruitment company, and will tell the people teaching this course they're forcing me to do, about my neigh finished certification course and impending training into the police...and no one seems to care or even noticed...

I feel like a man with a doctorate in some complicated subject who has been told that the start date of his new positing is forthcoming but not yet defined and being told by the job center that by government regulation he needs to take GCSE Maths and English, of the grade they teach illiterate immigrants.

5 minuets from victory the people keeping me alive have decided to cause the maximum damage they're able to snatch it away from me...

Normally I would consider it grossly imprudent and unwise, but when I have the start date and it's all settled and paid for until I actually enter training, I'm going to tell that asshole at the job center who calls himself my 'Job Coach' that he's a fucking bastard for trying to screw me over at the finish.

I mentioned previously that I had stripped a gear and gone apeshit at my college course tutor. I did a stupid, stupid thing and replaced that fucking gear. I need to tare it out and go a bit more apeshit, first on this job skills recruitment company and then at the job center.

The thing is that they haven't crossed that line yet. I can still win this if I get the work done. If it looks like I'm going to fail though because of them, I will let them have it. I have to. I won't lose this, not after everything.

...

Lady friend is OK. Sorta.

A week or two back she had a wire inserted into her guts through a thing called a stoma for some syndrome thingy. The wire went too far in and was hurting her so she got permission to pull it out a bit. This made it come out entirely and she got sick again. Got it put back in this week and it's apparently hurting like hell and she's got a fever and her doctor is making a house call today.

She sent me a pic this morning of herself, deathly pale except for flushed cheeks. The picture was cute and her personality is cuddly. I think I'm being toyed with by the universe again.

Last girl I showed real interest in turned out to be a transsexual [though I'm bi, so thats a non-issue] and insane - she is still cyberstalking me and posting messages addressed to me on the Los Angeles division of Craigslist's Missed Connections boards.

Her name is Brooke Lawson, also known as Brooke Leigh, from Press Heart to Continue. That boyfriend of her's is a cover because she's insane. Either she is dating him and...well, I would say fucking with me, but sane people who are fucking with someone else don't post for 4-5 years now I think, messages on an online message board to someone else, or she is lying about dating him and using him as a cover to maintain plausible deniability about any statement I may make [such as this one].

I don't care really. I hate the fact that I can't have my Twitter unlocked and simply be me anymore without that fucking creeper seeing whatever I post and posting on CL about it though. I did care about her and tried to have some sort of friendship and so on with her, but she's too mad to do anything of the sort with me.

So I have a new lady friend...who is ill and will continue to be ill indefinitely because her condition is genetic...like I said, the universe enjoys fucking with me because the only two girls who have shown interest in me as a person rather than as an ambulatory penis were/are ill, in the head and in the body.

I liked them both, but my newer lady friend at least appears to eventually be able to get better and at least talks directly to me instead of by proxy, so it's a step up I guess. Such is my retarded existence.

...

I am now hungry so I think I'm gonna go eat something and then do college work.

Tomorrow I'm going to cover the ongoing development of my thesis come industry journal on games design.

The long and short of that is that I posted on Reddit a link to view the file and some details about my intent and purpose in writing it, and the denizens in the Games Design subreddit reminded me why I don't interact with me so called peers, and hate forums; if you don't run into trolls, you still can't avoid the idiots.

Details to follow.

Good after to you all.

Hate and Love, Rage and Passion

SUP. :O

Lots to discuss today. Writing this to the sound of a Drum n Bass artist called Kraddy, with such epic tunes as this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkWlNSxa4zk&index=19&list=RD8ojHf5rdYwE

Want to discuss the mercantile opportunities offered by the acquisition of other people's lost luggage and shipments via auction houses, but first the personal crap. :P

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2808
https://twitter.com/jephjacques

I really do enjoy reading this webcomic. It's called Questionable Content by a chap known as Jeph Jacques, and deals with the life and times of Martin something-or-other [I can't remember the guys last name and can't be asked to look it up]. Essentially Martin and he mates live and work and the comics deal with their social interactions. Latterly these have included Martin's courting of a transsexual women he works with in his library.

Being bisexual I obviously support non-heterosexuality [not in a 'I'm a feminist' type of way, just 'its totally normal for people to be like this' type of way] and it's great to see an webcomic artist taking a serious and logical stance on the subject.

Alright, so the only transsexual person I've ever met [my current cyberstalker btw] is 9 types of batshit insane, but overall I hold the educated man's view on sexuality - that if it feels right, do it, and everyone has a right to do whatever they want so long as it hurts no one else, and they're are plenty of orphans and that in the world and they could do much worse than a loving gay couple as parents - so anything which promotes those views and handles them in a totally reasonable way is GG in my book.

Don't know if I mentioned this last blog post but some of my food - a loaf of bread - got stolen from my sealed and named bags in the hostel fridge I'm currently staying in. Like someone would've had to first tear them open knowing they don't own them to get the goods out of them.

I thought my food was safe as I'm currently on a veggies and pasta kick to assist in recovering after a lot of physical stress and ongoing mental trials. People staying in hostels aren't anywhere near that healthy. Pizza, microwaved meals, and cans are generally their thing, not fresh fruit and veggies.

And I was right, my veggies are entirely safe, but not, as it turns out, the butter [two spoonfuls of butter were taken on Monday], a loaf of bread [which totally vanished yesterday] and, as I found out this morning four large potatoes which I was going to eat for dinner last night [this morning].

In total I've lost all of £2.50 in food to thieves, and there's no way to track them. Trap them though, I could. All I'd need to do buy 2 loaves of bread, some rat poison, open the bags and ensure I don't use enough to mar the taste and wait for the ambulance to arrive. When you have vermin getting into your food stores, that's how you deal with them, even if said vermin are larger than the usual verity.

Can't do that though. Get the dose wrong, or if they eats too much and I kill someone [not that I'm against killing humans you understand] and it get's traced back to me [I made too much noise about it to the useless idiot hostel staff when I found out about the bread] then I can kiss my policing career goodbye over £2.50.

Can't be helped, lesson learned, keep bread, eggs and anything people actually like to eat upstairs and out of their reach. Still...I'd love to catch one of them in the act. Bruises fade, although it might take a while after I get through kicking them. It's just that given I don't have even £2.50 to replace my stolen property I find this an especially vehement fuck you.

I'm not starving though. I've got a £3.00 giant bag of pasta, and they're not touching the veggies, so I won't go hungry before Monday, and that's the main thing, even if I'm angry enough to hospitalize them if I catch them at it.

Point is that I'm misanthropic already. This shit is only confirming my world view. Finish my police course. Get my badge and cuffs. Take it out on every thief that takes away something someone else NEEDS. And don't get suspended for GBH. Tricky that...

I just HATE thieves.

Currently also angry at my gods damn phone service provider. I went into one of their stores a few weeks ago and asked for their best PAYG data package because all ever do on my phone is email and check the net for info. The prepubescent gay teen adviser was apparently too busy trying to flirt with me to know what he was actually selling because he told me the £15.00 PAYG top-up was unlimited data for a month. Just checked my phone's text's and I topped up on the 22nd of September so it took two and a half weeks to burn through 15 quid's worth of data because it's NOT unlimited. Stupid bastard.

I really need to sign up for a contract thing or something and ensure that it's unlimited. I'll do that as soon as I've got more money coming in but I can't guarantee payment month to month at the moment so that's not an option.

Currently sitting in a McDonalds freezing my ass off. Would be in the library but I need to download some more Dresden Files audiobooks [would download some TV but with my phone's data having expired I can't access Kick Ass Torrents for the magnet links on it].

Like I said a few posts back, there's no issue with using torrents in my playbook. In this instance specifically I have no issue downloading my entire audiobook library because I paid for the entire lot more than five years ago. I'm now just trying to rebuild the library that's sitting in stasis on my tower PC with the broken power adapter that uneconomical to repair and which I can't afford to be replace.

They say piracy is illegal. I say that once you buy media you shouldn't be limited to the seller's own branded device, and shouldn't have to rebuy the media just because the device you were using to use and store it on or the online store you bought it from has since closed down it's servers.

I paid for this stuff once. I'm not paying twice because you have unethical business practices designed to charge people multiple times for the single product.

Read Reddit, where I'm currently enjoying a thread about 'If you were suddenly found to be living in the last game universe you were playing, what would happen' and taunting anyone who posts about ruling the fields of justice in the League of Legends universe. :P

Wrote this blog post, obviously.

Checked my emails, where I've got a really long one from my lady friend. Still not 100% sure that's a good idea. It's recently become very apparent that asides from lacking my physical faculties due to a genetic disease she isn't strong mentally either. She is very nice though and doesn't seem to get tired of my crazy genius bullshit or the fact that I'm a fucking train wreck personally.

The question is what do I need from a girlfriend? The answer is someone caring and patient who gives a fuck about my existence, isn't a direct challenge to my predator brain who sees anyone near my equal as a threat, and is physically attractive and fuckable. She fills that criteria. I mean, I could explore a lot more people and it's not like I don't have options given that I'm hot apparently, and sane. But for starters this one seems to match up with what I'm looking for.

Current issue is that she has a guy friend, who she says is entirely platonic, coming to see her for a few days from today. He's just like her apparently, only rich [family business], intelligent [speaks half a dozen languages], and as nice as she is [just like her]. Whereas I at some point raided a Mummy's Tomb and caught a curse which is making my life a living hell.

She says they're just friends, and I can't see a point in being jealous.

I mean, she's sent me videos of her touching her admittedly really fine looking tits and pussy [she's uber sensitive, a squirter, and loud, and submissive, which is all a turn on as far as I'm concerned] and I've sent her videos and pics of me which she liked, and she lives in the UK and few hours north. It's a good setup.

I don't think she's playing me, but you never can tell can you? As far as I know she's not just sending those to just me and this trip for him isn't just visiting a sick friend.

But on the other hand what does mistrust gain me? Nothing good. Extending trust until proven otherwise is the best course because if she is telling the truth then I get, at minimum, a lot of sex. *shrug*

The point, the key point, is that I can't act on it yet anyway. I need to get into training and things first. After that and I'm stabilized then either I can meet her and if we're attracted in person then...well, x-rated shit will go down. If not then throw a rock seeing as when I try I get all the attention anyone could want. And more after I put on some muscle from a gym, which is what I intend to go grab sometime soon.

The job center backed off by the way. Went to see my adviser yesterday and, well, it essentially appears that he lost his shit last Wednesday, had me come in for four check-ins to no real purpose, and sign up to some recruitment program. Since I complied with that though he's now backed off till next Wednesday so I can get on with my coursework [fucking dripping ass monkey], which I should, with any luck, have bagged up and handed in by the end of the month. They say I've passed in writing and I should be able to give that to the Met Police and get a training start date. It's just a matter of getting the world done now basically.

OK, this has run a bit longer than I thought it would so I'm calling it here. Not much should happen between now and tomorrow so I'll cover buying stuff from London auction houses and selling it on eBay tomorrow.

Going to go see if I can't play a match or two of Hearthstone, which is about the only game I can play on this toy laptop, and then get on with some college work...as soon as I reply to that email from my lady friend. xD

Have a good one.

On Wednesday...

...zzz...zzz...zzz...*wakes up, gets bowl of cereal at 17:15, and takes caffeine pills*...

...long...few days, really.

---

Woke up at 10am, went to job centre to check in for my benefits and was kept waiting for more than half an hour cus my adviser is terminally bloody disorganized.

---

Got out of there without issue and went down the road to the hospital, and after walking the length of the dam facility, one way to the toilet and the other way to the department I actually needed, I had some blood drawn for a test for Hep B.

I've not actually got it, but apparently, and I can't remember if I mentioned this previously, coppers are at risk for it, so you need to get immunized. Blood test to see if I'm immune naturally [hardly anything ever makes it through my alien system; I like to think my biological systems are guarded by adamant lil jerks just like the thing they're protecting] and then get £75 worth of injections over a couple of months in £25 quid shots which the police will pay for once I'm employed with them so what the hell?

I was going to make this joke about being attacked by a vampire and being surprised that they don't bite you, they just stick you with a needle, and they don't crumble to dust when stabbed in the heart, they just scream and bleed a lot, but I escaped before it could catch me.  :P

But I forgot about it. xD

---

Dropped off the jeans I was going to sell online as the local heart health charity store.

I've tried a couple of times to buy goods and sell them online, but no one will buy anything I spend money on buying wholesale so I'm never trying it again. Waste of freaking time.

Going to take the garden forks to a DIY store and see if they'll take them off my lands for like a fiver each or something. Like with the weights, I'm not shipping them to my new acom so if they'll give me tuppence for em that's fine.

---

Tottered back home and got my ass handed to me in Hearthstone about 5 times in a row. For some reason my uber priest build got me from lv20 to lv15 in ranked and then stopped working, although to be fair playing against a guy with nothing but 4 attack cards and have all 4 of my 'if under 3 or over 5 attack, kill instantly' cards is the client making me lose, not my lack of skill.

---

After that I spent a few minuets trying to find something worth watching on TV cus Californication just isn't for me. After S01 the guy stops being an abject misanthropic asshole and, well, I'm sure the show is enthralling to stoners but not to scholars.

Also I can't work out why the fuck I downloaded The Great Gatsby, although I think I was under the impression it's protagonist was played by Leonardo DiCaprio [mother fucking Wolf of Wall Street] and not Toby fucking Maguire [ya know, the bad Spiderman]. And as for something called...

...dam, forgot to download the new episode of Longmire. D: #HOW

ANYWAY: And as for something called Sleeping Beauty who seemed to be a B movie about witches and zombies in medieval times I think, I don't think I did my usual vetting there of the quality of what I was downloading.

---

Listening to The Used: Vulnerable as I write this too via teh YouTubes. Love that shit, especially the lateral part of the album around Kiss it Goodbye and Hurt No More.

For some reason I've been hit with the iTunes bug which is causing it to crash about a minuet or so after loading. I don't own an iPod anymore so I only use it for playing music, and I don't do that often so I've not invested the time in researching why the fuck the programs crashing. I did have a brief look about when it started, and it's a common issue apparently, but I didn't have time or something to see what the resolution was. *shrug* I just uninstalled it for now.

---

Posted my weights set on Gumtree.

Did this yesterday with a total absence of brain and posted the price as 'best offer' without defining what weights were actually in it [as I said, I don't function well in the heat]. Before Gumtree took it down for lacking a defined price I got about 20 contacts consisting of emails, phone calls and texts asking if I was serious about practically giving it away and what weights there were precisely.

Best offer really means whomsoever comes to me with a reasonable price, maybe one quarter to one half retail. A best offer for goods which don't degrade with wear seeing as they're heavy and durable weights you could store in a basement for a century or two and still use.


I reposted the ad with what weights and a price of about 2/3rd retail. Fine.

Got an email about 20 minuets after doing that from this bloody pillock who read enough of the ad to understand that I would take offers for the individual weights but not enough, apparently, to understand the part where I categorically stated that the buyer must be willing to collect. As an aside he also asked if the weights were cast iron when I included a stock picture of vinyl weights in the ad.

The police are drumming into recruits like me that understanding and tolerance are the first principles of community policing.

I've got no practical issues with this, but I feel it's a disservice not to call people like this moron an idiot as a learning exercise.

Fuck.

---

OH: On my way into the job centre to check in right, I had shit tons of papers and things in my pocket, and my appointment card, which you have to show the security guards before being allowed access to the building, was in amongst them.

I pluck the thing out and hold it out to the guard. He looked at it and asked me what it was for.

...I just looked at him, and in total sincerity he told me that I should ask him to check the card...

Why the fuck would I be handing the fucking card to you to check in the lobby of the building when you know damn well why I would be doing so seeing as you stepped in front me as I sauntered through the door?

I don't need to ask, because you know why I'm holding it out to you, fucking putz.

---

Doctor's receptionists are rude, security guards are morons, and people buying shit don't think.

I'm putting it down to the heat personally because I don't want to live in a world where idiots like this get employed easily and get to live their lives happily when I need to join the police before anyone will pay me for honest work.

---

Going to watch Longmire, cut this badger off my fucking head, and then do some police college work for a while.

Tomorrow I've got to go to the doctors for the medical history signature form, and then go to this housing benefits tribunal which is going to consist of 2 actions; asking them why they don't believe what I've told them about where I was and what I spent the money on, and then telling them I'll just repay the money as I prefer to invest my time and energy in joining the police rather than disproving this.

As I've said, I've got a severe lack of confidence in their so-called justice. Easier to just repay what I was entitled to rather than try to win a rigged game at this point. Invest my time in a worthwhile pursuit.

And that's it till next week when I'm going to the doctors for my persistent wheezy cough issue.

Sleep somewhere might be nice too. Don't know if it was the blood drawing or my activity over the last few days or something else but I've been awake for 8 hours and feel really tired. -.-

Post again tomorrow when I get back from this freaking tribunal.