SO.
That was Christmas and New Years 2014. I found for some reason that during these two holidays I get really damn angry. Not sure why really. By the first, like literally by breakfast time, I stopped feeling this undefinable rage against the world.
Maybe it's the hypocrisy of the season, that just because it's the 25th of the final month of the year, or the last date of the year, a number on a calender measured from an event which is more than probably insane religious bullshit, that people should be nicer to each other, or something, like pisses me off.
I mean, around 1am New Years Day some girl who was entirely sober btw, went around hugging people in the common room, except for me who raised an arm to block her with a scowl. Some idiot in the corner gave this chuckle with a tone that I recognized that indicated something like 'what a socially awkward retard', which was fine really, I already loath human beings, and that laugh only reinforced my opinion.
The point is that this kind of shit just enrages me. The rest of year people don't give a shit. The rest of the year I don't exist. And because I was angry for these very good reasons other people don't understand, don't ask, don't care, in their minds this time of year is for celebration and partying and either you exist to provide it and respond correctly or you're a freak,
This time of year doesn't solve the issues chronic in my life. It doesn't get me the medical form I've been waiting on for going on two months. This year isn't something to celebrate and be thankful for. It's been hellish trying to simply complete somewhat basic and rudimentary tasks which should've earned me my first job in six years, but I still don't have.
I hate people for being blind, ignorant, self-obsessed little fucking shits. Even that girl I nicknamed Sexy Receptionist, she didn't give a flying fuck about me as a person, she just wanted the pretty guy who lives in the building where I work to be romantic and charming towards me so I can have a boyfriend, a lover and have enjoyable sex and feel good about myself.
That girl wanted to hug people because she wanted to feel special and friendly and happy. Never mind that I was angry, never mind what someone else might be feeling, the important thing to her was how she felt.
Anyway, I went to the fucking doctors the day after New Years and asked them where my medical form was. This medical form, a questionnaire, is the final thing I need to get a start date for paid practical police training with the London Met Police Service.
The receptionist said that her computer has no record of me apart from my name and address. No log of what the admin officer has done to get my medical records, no inquiries, no requests, nothing. So what it looks like to me is that I've been waiting about 2 months for nothing. Not processing, not waiting in line for someone to eventually to me, nothing.
So I made an appointment to see the admin officer on Monday which is going to start with "What the fuck have you been doing for 2 months to get me a 4 page medical questionnaire which I need to get my first job in 6 years" and then "Right, so we've established you're a fucking moron, now give me that in writing so I firstly I can tell the job center who's fault this is, and secondly so I can show that to a lawyer".
And I'm not even kidding, that isn't hyperbole or anything, that is what I'm actually going to do on Monday afternoon. I'm going to take a letter from this admin officer at my local doctors GP, stating who has this signed medical questionnaire and my medical records, to a fucking lawyer and a judge and get a fucking COURT ORDER to MAKE THEM give me this information within a week or two.
I shouldn't have to. Any other human being would've registered, and requested, and gotten.
Not me though. No.
I'm the guy who get's a chest infection, sick for the first time in 5 years, when he has a fitness test, and then get's bullied by the examiner, and then has to stay awake for 28 hours on no food to do the fitness test because of community college policing exams and lack of money.
I'm the guy who takes a college course, his PC breaks and instead of being given access to a computer to do the work which is entirely online, the college says they're closed and they can't help me, so he ends up doing 75% of the course on an 8 year old iPhone.
I'm the guy who get's placed on an employability skills course by the job center, which has him making bridges out of paper and going over the basics of the human rights act that he covered extensively during his policing college course, instead of permitting him to revise for his final resit exams which get rescheduled 3 times.
I'm the guy who [I recently found out this load of bullshit btw] rearranges his job seekers allowance and housing benefit claims to a different borough to get out of the above employability skills course, only to find out two months later than the transfer never happened and he now owes £550 quid to his old housing benefits office because he was being paid from them instead of the job center, after they starved him for 4 days, 2 of which he basically camped out in their offices trying to work out what the hell happened.
And I'm the guy who puts in a request for a 4 page medical questionnaire from his medical records and then founds out after 2 months that the admin officer responsible for this hasn't tried to get hold of the document and doesn't know who he is, despite the fact that he's been coming in weekly to inquire about it.
...just reading the summery of my recent history...I always said, in humor I thought, that I was cursed because shit keeps going wrong around me, but that isn't actually a joke is it?
Inverted King Midas syndrome; everything I touch turns to shit.
I can't do anything, can't accomplish anything in this world, no matter how hard a try, without it crashing, blowing up in my face, and burning for at least 2 months.
So what can I do about it?
File complaints? File civil suits against these organisations who've done me wrong? That wouldn't work. At best nothing would happen. At worst people would review my personal history, find any and all mistakes I might have made, tell me what I should've done and didn't even know was an option, and then take away from me time, energy, money or what little stability I currently have. They wouldn't help.
The job centre said, before putting me on that employability skills course that they were there to help me, and instead they crippled my ability to finish my college course. The college admin tutor for my course said his only interest was to help me finish my course, and yet he did nothing to get me a computer during the summer.
There's nothing I can do that would work, and trying to fight this shit would only make it worse.
The one option I have is this; accountability - get shit in writing so when people start to shout at me for other people's bullshit I have something to prove it's not my fault - and do the job that's in front of me - see the admin officer at the doctors, get names and addresses, make requests, see her every day until I get the form, and go find a lawyer, give him the names and addresses and get court orders to force them to do their job.
As a matter of interest, I can foresee where the next fuck up is going to happen; when I take this signed medical questionnaire [after the civil court case I expect] to the police recruitment offices [in person in exchange for a receipt because if I filed it any other way it's just asking for trouble] they're going to tell me that my application for police constable has been cancelled [they've not mailed or emailed me about it, but when does anyone tell me shit] and that I need to reapply, setting me back 6 months or more.
I know this is going to happen because that's how the world works. See above for how I know this.
Haven't eaten since I woke up so going to get some food and then...either write some or go to Meltdown London, though it's cold tonight and I don't feel like being around people, even if it's only so I can use powerful computers to play some League of Legends.
Next post will probably be on Monday after I've seen this admin officer.
Call it testament to the human survival instinct. Despite this kind of treatment I have no desire to take a knife to my wrists...guess I really am that insane...
