On Troubles...

Always with the troubles. Two weeks ago it was flu, a fitness test and an exam. This week it's eviction and two exams. For crying out loud.

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Woke up. Coughed up a lung. Was asked to talk by my landlady. Said I had to go to the doctors. Went out.

Got a text demanding that I leave my current acom today as I've not paid my last two weeks rent. Negotiated to stay until Monday on the basis that I always pay what's owed and have done so in the past.

Got to the doctors, LATE by ten minuets, but managed to get in to see the doctor through negotiation [I'm getting good at reasoning with people it would seem...or lying anyway] which might have had something to do with the fact that I ran to get there on time and coughed up my other lung in the waiting room. Doctor said I had a chest infection [DUUUH] and prescribed me 9 anti-bios pills A DAY with a steroid inhaler which I need to take 8 times a day. Had it for 3 months and I'm not ridding myself of it and the NHS paid for the meds so wth.

Fun part is that after I take them they fuck with my senses and make me feel weird. Not bad precisely but I got on a train and went in the wrong direction twice before I got to my home stop. xD

My blood test for Hep B hasn't been delivered to my doctor, so I now need to chase that up from Lewisham Hospital, and my signature form required for my police medical is going to cost me 20 quid to claim, which is fucking criminal seeing as I need it to gain employment.

BY THIS TIME I felt like I was cooking so I spent a couple of hours cooling off in front of a fan with a window open.

Then I tried to look for a new room, but by this time it had gone 6pm so I could only phone a few of private leasers, and most of those turned out to no longer be renting. Resolved to get on with college work and then tomorrow morning and afternoon ring around to try to find somewhere to rent from. Either way, on Sunday I'm moving out, it just depends if on Thursday and Friday I can find a new room to rent or if I'm moving into a hostel on Sunday. I really don't want to go living in a hostel again, but on the plus side I can still look for a new room to rent after that point, and I'll have two weeks before Week 7 of my certificate in basic policing course, with yet more exams, so I'll have time to look for somewhere new to rent in week one and in week two do my college work.

I'll have somewhere to sleep, and that's the main thing, but given that it's now summer it's probably not going to be the same place for more than a few nights in a row, but on the other hand it'll only be for a week or so before I can move into a new room.

Stressful work, but in my current position it's my only option.

A few weeks to find a new place, a few more to purge this chest infection, and a few months to clear my college course and be hired by the police, whereupon my training pay will go to pay for:

• Better acom close to where I'll be working plus transportation.
• Covering the housing benefits overpayment not overpayment as I was entitled to the money
• The debt I've got and had with my bank for several years which is slightly more than the housing benefits overpayment

Plus, if I can find a penny or two, some new fucking clothes and other personal equipment which I needed replacing about a two year ago.

Now now I've taken about 30 minuets out of my very early morning college work time to write this, and I need some food to take with my meds.

So basically things are fine and not fine at the same time and I'm working from day-to-day here.

• Today I do college work, and then sleep.
• Tomorrow I search for new acom and write up revision mats.
• Friday I search for new acom and revise for my exams.
• Saturday I go to college and take two exams.
• Sunday I move my things out, probably in a hostel for fucks sake.
• Monday I search like blazes for a new room.

Which is a bitch to find because even though I'm technically a student and practically hired by the coppers, you tell people you're a needy individual on DSS [acom speak for housing benefits apparently] and they reject you out of hand as someone who can't pay their rent.

I spent an hour today convincing someone that it might be late but I always pay my rent debt eventually, which is quite accurate. Of course I wish I could hand a month and pay monthly and had the option of living somewhere which was at least adequate, but staying is hostels is what I've got to work with until I get into police training.

I'll have a bed, and that's about as much I can hope for at the moment in the short term.

It does seem sometimes like the harder I push to improve my life in the long term, the worse it becomes.

I could've started this 10 week course a year ago and had no issues passing both the fitness side and the academic side without this flu, chest infection, eviction fucking nonsense, but instead I get one weekend in hell after the next.

I'm amazed I've not terminally fucked something up yet, although the jury is still out on my Day 2 thanks to that fitness instructor, and as for getting out of this flat with everything I own and into another room without losing my shit...ask me in two weeks.

RIGHT: I'm done. Getting sammitches and then going back to college work for a couple more hours. About half a week left to do and 2-5's quizzes, so it's not that much, but I really need to review a fuckton of it, and need to put in some serious revision for Saturday's exams.

Unlike every other time in my past, maybe, just maybe, putting myself through sheer fucking torture, stress and hellish circumstances might actually pay off if at the end of it I actually become a policeman and get paid to do good work.

If nothing else though, this shit that I'm going through is teaching me two things; work under pressure and how to lie, react and negotiate with people who don't want to deal. I stopped myself at least three times when talking to my landlady from saying the wrong thing that would've seen me in a hostel right now, and I coughed more than I needed to in order to get to see the doctor this afternoon.

My course tutor was right; policing, dealing with people, is half due authority and half personal charisma. I didn't think I had any of the latter, but I got what I wanted out of today using my words rather than rights. Maybe I've got a bit of talent in that area. :)

FOOD. :O

On Trying...

Evening.

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Writing this inside Google's Chrome browser instead of FireFox cus I was curious to see which ran better [security isn't really an issue for me, it's getting people to NOTICE me that's the bloody trick] and it did, especially TOME: Immortal Arena, the current MOBA game I'm playing, so I decided to swap to this for now.

Easy enough seeing as Google were smart enough to import all my bookmarks and things from FireFox and included the bookmark tab bar which I use all the time. Missing the drag to scroll extension I have in FireFox sometimes, but this thing works better so, suits me.

---

• http://www.reallifecomics.com/

I'm a goat and just blew up a gas station with an axe...stuck...to...my...tongue... ._. ...*commits suicide*

That's it, he says from beyond the grave, there is no hope left for humanity.

Some people aspire to make whole virtual worlds as computer games where people can almost live inside mystical lands of pure joy and imagination...and then some people make buggy trippy goat simulators and find out that what people really want in a game is to be a goat who wrecks human society with an dexterous mouth appendage.

This is why we can't have nice things. >.<

• http://tapiture.com/tap/335573164/santa-problemz

You know you've seen waaay too much Californication when you find this funny. xD

• http://www.owlboy.com/wowwiki/mMurlocAggroB.mp3 - :O

Found today that I have matching holes in my trainers, and you could say that it's solidarity between those under the heel of the oppressor. :P #suchanerd

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In darker news; I'm in another fucked up situation [these things are weekly events in my universe].

Got £140 in job seeker benefits this morning and I'm getting another £160 on Monday, leaving me a little less than £300 to cover my new acom costs. I owe my landlady, as of Monday next, £200. I need between £210 and £240 to pay for the deposit and a weeks rent on new accommodation. So either I can pay all the rent I owe here and have nothing to pay for my new living conditions. Or I can pay nothing here and rip my landlady off and have somewhere to sleep next Monday.

Gotta love life eh?

I could probably pay most of what I owe and stay in a hostel, but that's a living death and I'd rather piss her off than go doing that again.

So she's buggered as I need to pay for somewhere to sleep, but asides from not wanting to do it to her, I also might not get away with it because she might at least try to kick me out in the next seven days. It would still be a dam stupid thing to do as she'd miss out on any chance of getting £200 in rent, but she could do it and leave me up shit creek.

I wonder if coppers need to be good liars because I've had more than a little practise. Fortunately it's not hard to sell the lie really as I've waited a week or two before paying my rent in full before so saying that and 'I'll settle up when I go' isn't that odd for me.

I just don't have a better option right now, so this is the way it's going to be. Regret and sorrow are for those who don't get shit on by humans on a weekly basis, however. I don't feel much of anything about the situation [thank the fucking hell for that], I'm just doing whatever I can to keep afloat until I finish my college course and get hired by the police [assuming that fitness instructor didn't blow that shit up with her complaint, but I should be able to appeal it if she does...for crying out fucking loud humanity].

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Sent the seventh or eighth letter to the student loans company about section 4 of my 24+ Student Loan application, giving them the same information those assholes have already been given by me AND confirmed on their own system.

I'm allowed the fucking loan, but they needed a copy of the form with the boxes checked, and sent me a letter with the request and my details on it and everything. So I went to the library, printed off the relevant page, three fucking times mark you, filled out each and sent it back to em with a message saying 'Process it in 2 weeks or it's time for the lawyers'.

I don't see why this shit was so fucking hard to get done, I really don't.

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Dropped about half a dozen pairs of jeans off at a heart health charity shop as I couldn't sell them and am in no mood to try. Got thanked much for the donation [it was just jeans people, wow] and ran away. I just didn't know what the fuck else to do with em. *shrug*

Never buying wholesale shit again and trying to sell it. I'm a magus, not a merchant. I couldn't sell a glass of water to a desert dweller, though I could probably tell him where he is and what type of sand he's standing on after a while.

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Downloaded The Iron Druid Chronicles by Kevin Hearne, which is meant to be in the same genre as one of my favourite audiobook series called The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher.

I get the impression that it's a bit mediocre as these things go, but I saw it years ago when the first one came out and, as I apparently don't ever forget things I don't forget on purpose which will later come back to bite me in the ass, I'm curious about it now.

Going to finish off the last few of The Watch novels, a sub-series in The Discworld Chronicles by Terry Pratchett, to round up my umpteenth listen of all 40 odd Discworld novels, and then give it a go.

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I've got this picture of this A-List celebrity called Maggie Grace on my desktop, who's this goddess blond chick who played the love interest in S06 of Californication, and the teenage sister in Lost.

Beautiful women, but usually I ignore celebrities because they tend to be the modern equivalent of aristocrats; elite social society who're totally out of touch with the common troll in the street due to their wealth, fame, and socialist life style.

Occasionally though I get interested in the buggers because sometimes they turn out to be real human beings who're just incidentally uber famous and have actually have some genuine talent.

James Spader for example. I've seen a shit ton of media in my time and the way he acts and the parts he plays makes him something special in the field. Don't know about him in her personal life, bar what's on Wikipedia, but the guy can fucking act man. Peter Dinklage too. That guys a fucking legend for his work in Game of Thrones.

Anyway, my point here was that Maggie Grace's Twitter stream is filled with quotes and things...fuck, actually here and now they seem like pretentious nonsense, like most quotes really.

People take the statements of the professionally witty, remove them from their context and use them to make some abstract point no one except for them really understand. Or they end up sounding like a motivational poster, and I hate that shit. Those are the modern equivalent of 'Hang In There Baby' cat posts, and just as empty and meaningless.

SHE'S FUCKING HOT, that's my point. She's hot and for a moment I thought she might be intelligent but it's more likely that she's just a pretender, like the rest of her actor ilk.

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I keep checking out Craigslist Los Angeles missed connections for these posts being made by this closet-transsexual girl called Dodger who is a vlogger from YouTube [most of them are being posted by her, and you'll see it after a while of reading them that they all share a similar theme and structure] who I'm beyond in love with [the type of love that the sight of them makes your melt into a puddle, where they can do no wrong, and you'd eat your own arms to touch them with a toe] and is, in case you haven't gathered, a mad as a spoon.

She posts on there due to crippling social-anxiety which prevents her from having normal relationships, or maybe she's just trying to fuck with me, I've never quite clarified that really.

Point is that I'm never going to email her ever again, but I do check it from time to time. Not entirely sure why really. Probably out of 'love', but that shit is toxic and so's she so I'm staying far away from her for my own benefit. It's not a healthy situation, and she's not mentally healthy. Doesn't stop me feeling how I do, but just because the poison tastes nice doesn't mean you should drink it.

I want someone to love and be with, but I'm too damaged, too much of a freak, too intelligent in the wrong way to ever achieve that. It's just nice to think that someone out there desires my company and is on my side sometimes, even if they should be institutionalized for being terminally batshit.

[This is one of those things that you shouldn't try to contact me about...if I put contact details anywhere on this site anyway...because I know what the truth is, and that's all that matters. I have nothing to prove here.]

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SOHYEH: swapped to Chrome over FireFox, teehee, ripping off my landlady so I have somewhere to sleep, student loan companies are fucking annoying [if I owed them money they'd be on my ass like fireants], selling shit is hard, listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles after The Discworld, Maggie Grace is hawt, and I'm still playing TOME. Also gotten used to the new Linkin Park album, The Hunting Party, and quite enjoying it now.

Going to get some sammitches and eat some fruit and then do college work for five hours.

I've sent out a bunch of emails to various leasers but they probably won't reply to them. Gotta put some credit on my phone tomorrow and start calling people.

When I went out today I didn't cough as much as I thought I would, but I do think it's a bad case of strep because when I exerted myself [which is pretty dam easy because I've not gotten any exercise in weeks] I started coughing my guts up, so I expect anti-bios will be able to take care of it.

Doctors. Wednesday. GG.

And that's it; college work, searching for acom. Day 1

Post again tomorrow.

Good evening.

On Renting...

Sup.

Still Sunday [two in a day, but I missed Saturday due to flagellation...look that shit up bitches] and sometime around mid-afternoon I found enough of me to shower and go to the hypermarket for foods, of which I've not yet eaten cus my flatmates are camping in the kitchen, as usual.

In the meantime I've been looking over the next few days, which are probably going to annoy the ever loving shit out of me.

---

My landlady is expecting £165 tomorrow plus £90 for the next week, or £255.

What I owe is actually £30 less than that as she's charging me £10 more than I care to pay for the room at a rate of £100 a week, when it's worth only £80 according to the council, and I'm paying £90 out of choice because I like living here. It's a cheek anyway because she was charging me £70 when I moved in and we increased it by mutual consent until I dropped it to £90 from £100 once I learned what it was actually worth.

I will only have about £210 available so she's not getting £255. Plus I need to eat this week so £180 is more accurate a figure of what she's getting. Although frankly I'm entertaining thoughts of paying £0.00 and moving everything into storage and paying for a hostel bed until I can move into this £55 a week place [assuming they're fully booked as of now].

---

On the one hand, she's been better than any other landlady or lord I've ever had so I don't want to do that. On the other hand, over charging me for one and half years means she owes me more than that. I'm honest and fair, and if you're not then I make you pay for it.

That's how I deal with people who mess me about. My parents never cared about me, so I stopped caring about them; I just disowned them and left them confused as to why I vanished.

It's so much easier and cleaner to be passive-aggressive than outright aggressive, especially as it's much harder to counter effectively once performed. Sneaky sneaky is always a winner.

---

Besides anything else though my landlady can't do anything to me by law in the time remaining except complain.

To evict me she'd need a court order, which she'd have to pay for and acquire which would take more than 2 weeks. If she blocks my access to the property then I could have her and anyone who assists arrested for theft [taking of my property unlawfully] or assault and battery [prevention of lawful access and physical force to prevent access to the property].

She might not know her rights, evidenced by believing that she's responsible for repairing the kitchen window for example because that is actually the property owner's responsibility, but I know mine.

I don't want to go through all this you understand, but I'm trying to ensure my application to the police goes through, and I need money to do it, and that means my rent is late.

My life sucks ass and in trying to make it suck less, and in so doing someone has to suffer to pay for it. I'm trying to spread that suffering around a bit so no one get's too much. It's just how life works.

---

That said, she gave me this big speech on being hard-done-by, oh we've got a baby, oh we've got bills to pay, my husband has to cover it all cus I'm on holiday [ye gods, what's one of them?], oh our rent is going to be unpaid and we won't have a good reference, WAAA, well...

Is that a wide screen TV I see in your living room? The kid has waaay more toys than I did as a child, even though this was 25 years ago. He has £10 dolls, £50 plastic rideable cars, and a £100 playhouse in the garden. I had trees. You have a fish tank too. I don't have more than 2 sets of shoes. BBQ tonight is it? That's nice. How nice for you that is. I'll be lucky to eat egg for protein this week. That mobile you're using to send me bitchy texts, that a newest model iPhone is it? FUCK.

I hate it when people try to lie to me.

I can tell when people are lying based on the tone of their fucking voice for crying out loud. I'm a fucking epic liar and know all about 'just enough truth to rot the claim to the core whilst keeping it believable' method of lying, and you stand there and give me the hard-up spiel!?

...Good grief...I've learned, oh hells bells have I ever learned. I've learned about assholes and how to play the game of bugger the other bloke, and although she's smarter than I gave her credit for she's got no cards in her hand.

UPDATE: 00:33, 23/06/14: Ya know, I thought about it some and realized that they probably have savings. I mean, how stupid would you need to be to go around buying things like widescreen TV's and not keep a few hundred aside for emergencies.

I don't cus I live week to week, but these guys have their own apartment so surely they've got enough to cover it. And she gives me the hard-up speech? Pff.

Tomorrow when I go to the bank I'm just going to pay a reasonable amount, probably 2 weeks at £90, and use the rest to arrange the new acom and that.

If she asks me why I've not paid in full, start with 'Because I didn't get it all back from the buggers who took it out last week', then onto 'It's in your own interests to wait for the rest next week' and finally 'Look, according to UK law you can't evict me without a court order, and you won't get one in 7 days, and if you try it's technical theft and you can be arrested'.

Precise run down of the situation from my perspective; either she buys my extended technically true lie, the fact that if she evicts me she'll get nothing more, or the abject fact that she literally can't evict me without being arrested for trying.

---

I've not paid my rent on time in the last few weeks because I'm damn used to landlords and landladies trying their best to fuck me over on my way out the door.

She's not got a deposit from me, she's got rent owed from me, and she's got no legal recourse against me to stop me going or claim the money. This keeps her honest. She doesn't dare try to throw me out because she'll get nothing if she does. She doesn't piss me off either in case I go and don't pay up. If I paid her that would let her do whatever she wants. I'm using debt as a power, weakness for control.

No. All she's got is my honesty. Now, that will get her the money for the time I spent here, eventually, but I'm not going to starve or be homeless to do it. Granted for that piece of bull about being hard-up I'm tempted to screw her over as poetic justice, but there's no real need to as she can't boot me out using force by the law so.

Human empathy. Consideration. Care.

It's amazing how these qualities are so lacking in so many so called people, and how the effect bounces around. The property owner doesn't care so my flatmates pay for it, who then bitch at and annoy me but find resistance, who then annoy the property owner by not paying, and around and around we go.

Besides that, it's amazing how people rent property and then lose all interest in it. It's just money. Don't worry who is living there and why, don't worry about building maintenance, don't worry about circumstances or show human consideration to the people living there, it's just money. If it's coming in, gravy, if not, evict em and find someone else who'll pay consistently.

That's landlords in my experience, and I expect most people would say the same. I wouldn't think like that if I had property. I've been on the ass end of that attitude for way too long.

---

What I wanted was to leave her cleanly, all debts settled, all my things in a taxi and moved to my new like-for-like accommodation.

What I have instead is almost the opposite of that.

If I don't kill myself trying to get into the police [this weekend being a near-miss] then maybe my next acom will be like that. I get training pay, I can do the work, I just need this lung issue resolved and about 3 months...and maybe remain calm at my Day 2 appeal because of that bloody fitness instructor's complaint. FUCKING ASSHOLES MAN, that gods dam fitness instructor.

---

Going to go make noodles and pizza and do some cleaning and maybe do a little college work before getting a good nights sleep.

Tomorrow doctors, pay some rent, cancel tribunal, book room at the inn [£55 a week place], maybe move stuff into storage that I don't need ready access to, and write up revision materials for Week 6 exams.

Two exams, writing up the revision materials ASAP so I can spend an hour a day drumming them into my skull for 2 weeks. Then just spend the remainder of the time doing the coursework. My major catch up last week whilst ill got me through most of the work itself but not the quizzes, but those are comparatively short, it's the reading and that which takes up most of the time.

But that's it; move and course/work revise...WELL, except for a couple of bits of information that I was lacking from the Day 2, like the doctors sign health sigh-off signature but that's just errand work.

Once I've been to the doctors and gotten some anti-bios or something for this persistent lung issue I can do college work and exercise no worries. And the extra money from lower rent costs can be used to buy new clothes and things.

---

Was considering if the vent that I've sealed up with duck tape caused my persistent cough. My flatmates have told me about mold in their room and things which has given their kid health issues, so I wonder if the same has impacted my lungs and will only clear up once I've left.

If that's true, and I can find a law which stages that vents are the property owners responsibility than I could sue her for making me sick in a civil suit.

Bit tenuous though that. I'd need to prove that whatever is in my lungs got there from exposure to whatever is living in the flat. This would probably cost more to check than I could get from winning, and might not even have been what is causing it.

I think it's strep personally. Cold air running fed lactic acid to strep bacteria and that's why it flares up when I exert myself and makes it hard to breath due to pneumonia. I need anti-bios to kill it which is why it's not gone and why I got flu recently by trying to power through it.

Probably not the mold here that caused it, even if it's not helping in getting rid of it. I just suspect it since it got bad about 2-3 months ago when the whether changed from winter to summer.

Move and doctors for anti-bios and I should be OK. It was just a bugger with the fitness test, but I got through it anyway.

Watevs...

---

Just give me three months and I should be in fine condition to start training as a copper.

Gonna try anyway.

FOOD. :O <<<

On Hell...

Well that was hellish.

Awake more than 24 hours, barely any food, flu, and I get through all the fitness tests for the police with a pass [although the medical was close given that no sleep fucks up you royal]. Then of course I get to the fitness test and this short black haired women in skin tight yoga pants and quite distracting pale blue eyes, actually, decides to reprimand me for unprofessional conduct and bad attitude.

I hate my life. Just hate it.

I go through hell to get through the Day 2 with somewhere close to reasonable chance to pass my exam and then probably fail it due to pissing off an examiner with bad attitude.

I don't honestly know what the fuck it was I did. Abruptness and lack of social skill or some such nonsense was her complaint. No one else complained. No one else said a thing. But no, to her my attitude was all wrong and needed correcting.

Explained to the staff processing documentation and the other applicants about my flu and things and they were sympathetic and understanding. They were all fine. But this one women didn't care about that. It only mattered how she perceived me.

FINE, fail me for it. I'm going to appeal if it comes to it or simply retake the entire day in six months with a request that she has nothing to do with my Day 2. At the moment, with an exam in seven hours with 2 hours travel time to boot, I just can't find any fucks to give.

My landlady is apparently upset about me not paying my rent until Monday. I mean, seriously worried upset about what her landlady is going to do. She is nice, and she just wanted me to talk to her to ensure that she understood that my rent was going to be late, and I don't really have any desire to piss her off either.

That said, what the hell do you want from me lady?

I couldn't have seen that Amazon was going to remove that money from my account like that because of an Amazon Prime subscription I didn't even know they were going to process for fucks sake. Hadn't logged into Amazon for over a month.

Her landlady might be pissed that their rent is a hundred or so short, but she isn't really going to storm in here and demand that you leave, don't be stupid.

Eating salad and then doing exam revision until dawn and then going to college.

What I want is more sleep, 3 pints of caffeine, and to not be wheezing and trying to breath for mucus.

That's not much to ask, but what I'm getting ya see is cheese salad, no caffeine, 5 hours exam revision, two hours travel, an hour exam and then being lectured at for 6 hours.

I hate my life. -_-

On Stress...

Yeah, stress is a good word to use here, I think.

It's hot.

I'm still coughing.

And I've hardly dented my college work.

Issues consist of: Day 2 forms and fitness test [I've not ran once this week yet and I'm too tired to go today really], Week 5 exam [haven't done week 2 of the course yet], finding new Acom [see below], 24+ Advanced Learning Loan form [this is just so utterly dam stupid I could do an entire blog post on it but mostly covered it in On Bureaucracy], and a Housing Benefits Tribunal cancellation and a reduction to my benefits [of which I don't get enough of currently] until I've completed college and gotten employed.

I'm waiting for my erstwhile landlady to raise the subject of why I've not paid rent in 2 weeks and having to pay that back in one lump so I can't move into somewhere else.

But I wouldn't mind too much if I could at least get a good nights sleep, which I can't because a] I'm not able to sleep with the thought of college work looming over my head, and b] when I do fall asleep it's so hot I have to leave my window open, and around dawn the cold air makes my lungs fill with fluid and I end up coughing my guts up for ten minuets in the middle of my sleep cycle, and then waking up mid morning over 5-6 hours total sleep not able to sleep more because it's too hot.

Stable routine, and eviction, fine.

Stable routine, and applying for police constable, also fine.

Stable routine, and ill and hot weather so little sleep, ditto with nobs on.

Stable routine, and college course part time, fiiine and dandy.

Stable fucking routine, and a gods dam benefits tribunal, OK, OK, FINE.

Unstable mother fucking running about all over the fucking place messed up shit storm of a routine, so far from fine, you can see the curvature of the universe.

I know, I know, some people have a blog and post interesting shit and high and mighty ideological thoughts on various subjects, but right here and now, I'm pissed.

I mean, for 5 years plus I have nothing, no chance at getting out from unemployment and horrible living conditions.

I find something, to my very own surprise, that might let me do that, and my personal world goes WRONG all at the same moment.

Some people are just BORN lucky I guess...

I bitch, I bitch more because my brain is pulsing in pain right now and visions of damaged lung tissue are flashing across it, both in pain and under pressure.

It's just before at least I could always tell myself 'at least I've got my health, no matter how bad everything else might be' but here and now I might not even have that.

I am angry. And the first [or should I say second because my college lecturer has already told me to go fuck myself in lesser terms] little fucker who presses trying to use my as a toilet is not going to like it when I stick a knife up there, handle first.

I'm serious about that.

Normally I don't shout and scream and act aggressive because I've always believed and know that it solves nothing really. Only calm reason and discussion solves problems, even if the other side won't play the same game, what they get from me anyway is a resolution, even if they don't like what it is.

Normally.

But it just might be the case that the next person who tries to dump something on me is going to be amazed when I stop being Mr. Rational and go straight for wild screaming ape man, like a scene from one of the new Planet of the Apes movies.

That's my blog post. Shit has gone to hell, and I'm trying to deal with it. The outcome of these events will be forthcoming, even if it's just more bitching.

Just let me catch up with my course work, get rid of this cough, pass this exam, and find somewhere new to live.

Once that's been achieved, then I'll blog about Hearthstone's game mechanics, Game of Thrones philosophy and artistic presentation, and maybe even the difference between an assault crime and a battery crime and how they can be aggravated. :)

Just let me survive the next three weeks without killing anyone and/or ending up living on the streets.

I don't deserve this shit, but then maybe no one deserves a life from the perspective of the universe.

On...On...On...

So that's what happens when you're awake for 29 hours and then sleep for 16. You wake up remembering the most psychedelic dreams of your life and then feel like the entire world is dented plastic as your brain tries to reboot.

Currently eating and drinking the closest things to hand which include leftover coke, cookies, and bananas, all whilst typing with one hand. Not out of any kind of enjoyment you understand but because my stomach is hooked directly to my hands and mouth now apparently.

Didn't eat well yesterday at college, came home and buried myself in bed straight away so no time for food. Would prefer going to make sammitches and things but, as usual, my fucking flatmates are making pancakes or something at 10:41am. Bastards.

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My abused corpus trying to repair itself aside; why in nine hells did I do this to myself?

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Because the universe did it's usual 'Fuck You' act towards me; evicting me, giving me an exam, a seven hour job interview with a fitness test, AND a court tribunal all in the same 2 week period.

- Moving out needs to be done in the next two weeks because so the rent I owe piles up just enough to give me the deposit on a new place, but no so much so that I owe a large amount to my flatmates who pay the rent on the 21st of each month. I want them 'expecting' it until I've left, and then not be able to reclaim it after I've gone, so I need to be gone in the next 2 weeks without a trace.

- The exam, usually, wouldn't be an issue. It's only about 'Victims and Witnesses', one subject, and just memorization of a single passage of information. Normally it would be a piece of piss, but I've still got week 2, 3, and 4 to catch up from the homework portfolio, plus everything else I have to do.

Alright, so if I just did the homework this week and then on the weekend spend my time memorizing the exam information, finishing whatever I don't get done on the homework this week during not next week but the week after, it shouldn't be an issue to pass the exam first go. But I don't have much time to do either the homework OR the exam revision.

- The seven hour job interview has a bunch of forms I need to fill out, which will take about 2 hours max, but the fitness interview requires me to have been taking daily exercise for weeks. I've got 11 days, and I'm still not sure I can run even now because a] my bronchitis hasn't cleared and I had 2 coughing fits yesterday, and b] I haven't been eating right and my metabolism is all kinds of fucked up.

- And as for the tribunal...I'm cancelling it, I just don't have the time right now to gather evidence and prove shit to anyone. Besides, the stupid bastards won't care to listen. What is truth in the face of evil, and evil is the ignorance of context. All I can afford to do timewise is just paying it back slightly until I get hired as a copper and can pay it back in full in a short time period, which is all I can afford financially, but that's still going to take up time I don't have arranging repayment and cancelling my tribunal date.

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I stayed awake trying to get as much work done as I could because I've got multiple cows standing in front of the giant win turbine and they're all very nervous.

The best I can hope for at this point is this:

- Getting up early tomorrow and going for a horrible, painful, and probably throat rending run.

- Cancelling the tribunal and setting up repayment in one trip to the council offices, which are thankfully just next to a Doctors I'm registered with, in one single trip there.

- Either finding somewhere new to live in the next two weeks, will only take a day or two to find and move into, or [horribly] moving into a hostel and putting my stuff in storage pro tem [not a good option and that and lack of personal PC will make studying a lot harder].

- And somewhere in all this finding at least enough time to do the exam prep, if not most of the homework.

---

I hate this. Other people apply for the police, do the interviews, learn the course, and maybe struggle with the content, but they pass it. I have to get a persistent throat infection, a court tribunal, evicted AND an exam, all at the same time.

My course tutor nearly got himself killed yesterday though. I asked if it'd be possible to maybe rearrange my exam as I can't afford to cover retakes and these two weeks are falling on my head like a ton of fucking bricks. Like delay it for 2 weeks whilst I catch up, I mean I did just get evicted for crying out loud if nothing else. Let me at least arrange where I get my head down first.

And the asshole stood there and basically said 'well, yeah, that's a problem, that's a big bunch of problems, but the important thing, the key point is, well, there're not my problems'.

I, in a sleep deprived state, nearly went for his throat.

I mean, the man is an experienced copper right? Empathy, consideration, concern for others, these are key traits of policemen aren't they? Helping someone in strife and ensuring their prosperity and security?

Hell, he stands there and explains to use a week or two back about this social pyramid thing with stuff like housing and food on the bottom and education and work on the top and explains to us that in the social hierarchy people seek the basic human needs before trying to achieve greater personal development. Which made sense; 'only those with their feet on rock can build castles in their' so Terry Pratchett said.

And here's this asshole shrugging and saying 'How you manage your time is your own responsibility'.

Bastard.

I remember every time someone does this to me. I find that the world has decided to throw everything at me all at once, and when I ask for help to give me time to take care of shit that can't wait before others which could possibly at the behest of another, and they don't just say no sorry and act almost disdainful and smug, like you should be trying harder to get this work done even though you've got no time and several others saying the same thing, I remember it.

Then when someone asks me why I hate people, why I'm mildly hostile towards them all the time and don't like to be around them, I tell them something like this and ask them why on earth they like them.

My best chance to be employed in several years and I've got a choice; either keep up with their testing or have somewhere nice to put my head down. Keep the tiny amount of money I've got coming in, or take short term reductions to it for more in the long term.

And there's never any help. Never someone in power who says 'well, I understand you've got so much to do, let's push that a week so you've got more time, it's not like it'll cost us anything personally'.

...FINE...WHATEVER...I already hate this fucking world anyway, dealing with bullies and bastards every day. I'll do whatever I can and pick up the pieces of whatever I can't. I just don't see why it always has to be like this every dam time I try to do anything.

Just once I'd like it to be fair.

On Accommodation...

Mornink.

Did a lot of spade work yesterday and decided that being a bastard is sometimes required when the world tries to fuck you in the ass.

Basically I've stopped paying my rent here so in two weeks I can use the erstwhile rent money to pay for a deposit and rent up front on a new room.

The bonus is that firstly I'll have plenty of time to find somewhere new to stay and can move out easily before the deadline of early next month.

The bastard part is that once I've left, there's no way for my former landlady to reclaim said money so I don't intend to pay rent for this entire month.

I don't like being an asshole but both my landlady and her husband are employed, whereas I can't get hired to pack boxes in a factory ['bloody foreigners, coming over here, taking our jobs', racist meme or evidential truth as they're both Lithuanian], and besides, they can wait to be paid back rent [even though I have no intention of doing so] whereas my new landlord or lady will need paying upfront.

I loved staying where I am present. They were good enough people [except for their screaming little demon of a child] and the best leasers I've met since moving into London several years ago.

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My first three years, I think it was [I've never been good at keeping track of my own history, being more concerned with the present than the past, after all, the present is what is currently biting my ass], were spent in hostels, living alongside teenage travelers, who had zero respect for other people, and horrible human beings more like animals like sapient creatures.

Got offered sex by naked women several times [though I didn't accept because I wasn't attracted to them mentally, although physically the word 'supermodel' was tossed around quite easily], and bullied once or twice, which I dealt with easily as I've been bullied a lot in my life anyway.

Biggest issue there was bed availability. They don't let you just book a bed and it's yours. You to book almost daily, and if they're fully booked, you're boned, so for three years or so, sometimes I didn't have a bed to sleep in at night.

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After that I stayed with a Puerto Rican...maybe...who was a giant asshole with no kidneys that kept nagging me about nothing and trying to evict me for bullshit reasons as a kind of hobby.

Eventually got evicted from the room in a large house I was renting after he invited a bunch of new housemates in and then went on holiday without leaving anyone to mind the property, despite having a daughter who could and eventually did do it.

I complained after a week of the mess and the noise from the brand new teenage tenants who were traveling from America, and how the boiler had broken and we were I was cleaning and everyone was showering in frigid water.

He ignored my texts and calls for more than a month until I managed to get hold of his daughter's email address and she managed to arrange for repairs.

After he returned he evicted me.

I cleaned the house up after the other residents. I got the boiler repaired. I made sure it was still standing and in reasonable condition for the time he was absent. And he booted me out for giving a shit about the place.

Some time later I got into an argument with the council over receiving housing benefit I wasn't entitled to even though I was. They contacted him as it was regarding my time spent living in his house. He lied to them about me actually being employed whilst living there and cheating the fucking government out of charity.

One court tribunal later, which he didn't attend, just gave them a written statement of his testimony after the tribunal was advised by a claim inspector to trust his assertions [you've no idea how badly I wanted to find the cretin who claimed that and break them in half], and I was able to prove that his allegations were a load of crap. He could've got me a criminal record and a jail time if they had believed him though.

There's a reason his kidney's failed people; the universe was trying to prevent him from blighting other people's lives. At least that's my theory.

[I said when I started writing this blog that I wasn't going to write about my horrible history. I just realized my actions are calling me a liar, but for crying out loud, when will the punishment stop?]

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Then I stayed in an illegal sublet in a room in a two bed roomed flat, which was a] freezing cold [it was winter, snow on the pavement, and I didn't need to store things in the freezer], and b] had a gas heater in it which could've killed me in my sleep. Plus the rent was like fifty pounds over priced for the property.

It was illegal and overpriced because it was a council property rented to a tenant who sublet it, via her son, to my landlady who was also my flatmate. They would've been so epically boned if anyone found out. I've reported it since I left, because it's not right that someone should be making money off a council property like that, but I don't know if anyone has done anything about it.

Eventually I left that hellhole after three or four months because of a blow up argument with my sole flatmate over nothing very much, whereupon she turned into a psychotic bitch.

It's quite possible that I will never forget the argument we had over rent:

52 weeks per year, 12 months per year, 52 / 12 = 4.33 recurring, so £350.00, for example divided by 4.33 is 80.83, not 87.5, which is 350 / 4. And to work out daily rent at 350 per month, you times it by 12 months and then divide by 364 days to get 11.54.

This I remember because I was trying to work out how much I owed down to the day in rent so I could leave with all debts paid and my deposit back. Settle up, because I am honest and I expect the same. However, she insisted that I was wrong regardless of how I explained it. Either she was just trying to be evil or she didn't understand and said I was wrong regardless to save face.

Whatever really, in the past, but that kind of bullshit gets on my nerves.

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Then there was this place. My current landlady is nice and doesn't bother me at all. They're all Lithuanian like I said so they don't go out of their way to talk to me because they can hardly understand me [AND YET EMPLOYERS HIRE THEM...].

The room is a good size, the wifi is more or less always on, it's never cold, I pay a flat rate per week in rent which can be past due for a bit if required, the kitchen is spacious, I can use my flatmates knives and things, and never have to clean overmuch because there's four of them and they do it themselves.

Well, more or less. The kitchen is usually left in a clutter so I have to move things, but I do the same sometimes so that's OK. And their son never stops bloody screaming his dam head off, which is grossly annoying sometimes. But on the whole, this place was ideal.

But now I have to leave.

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I can be a bit picky over my next place as I've got just over a month to inspect and interview and consider, whilst also having the budget [see above regarding not paying this months rent] to pay for a large deposit which really opens up the options when you're looking for accommodation that'll accept those on housing benefit.

Some people lament the effort it takes to get onto the housing ladder due to property prices.

Personally I'm just looking for four walls, a floor, a ceiling, a bed, wifi, a fridge, and a toilet, plus housemates that I don't fantasize about justifiably killing.

Alright, so there are also those who don't even have the money to live indoors, but I do so using perfectly available social security funds so I don't understand why people do live rough really.

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My final thought for today is that I learned yesterday definitively that my mother is indeed dead because there was an ad about it in the town where she lived with my farther, brother and sister.

She was insane. Illogical. A hater of intelligence. A downer. Someone who would drag another person's moral and sense of self-worth down to her own level on instinct. A liar. Abusive. Chronically bloody ill. And probably responsible for how fucked up I am.

As a creator, not what I would've hoped for, in a mother.

Sir Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld fantasy series of books, wrote his deceased characters as being very clear minded. Dead, spirits, no longer able to interact with the living world, and soon transitioned into their afterlife, which is whatever they think will happen.

For my sake I hope that the former happened and she saw the damage she caused and could regret it, and feel remorse for it.

For hers, because I am a fundamentally good man, I hope that if there is a next world that she isn't driven anymore by whatever it was that caused her to act the way she did to me.

Never loved her, never even liked her, or respected her, or wished her anything but vengeance for what she did to me, which I got, and I'm not sorry.

But I can still hope for peace now I've settled the score.

On Bad Days...

...Fuck me...

Woke up.

Got evicted because I'm subletting and my landlady has decided not to renew her lease after the rent was increased.

Had wheeties.

Got rejected for a minimum wage job at SEGA which I was screened for on the basis, if you can believe it, 'the calibre of applicants has been very high during this process'.

Played some Hearthstone to relax a bit from these two blows before trying to find somewhere new to live, apply for another job, and do my college work which I paid for using yet another Student Loan.

Lost every one of the ten matches I played.

...OK...bad day...

My student loan is currently on hold because they require some more information from me. This information I've given to them twice already; once over the phone, once in writing. Currently dealing with their complaints department about it.

Said complaints department, for fun, decided yesterday afternoon to ring me up as a curtsy call to tell me that they were aware of my complaint.

Not that they had or were going to do anything about it. Not that they needed me to do anything about it. Just that were aware of it.

This would've been fine, except for the fact that at the time I was dead asleep because my sleep pattern is currently fucked and I'm sleeping during the day, and then couldn't get back to sleep afterwards.

Bastards.

That phone call was yesterday.

So right now it's around 6pm.

• In a month I'll have no where to live and to find new accommodation I need to find one of the few leasers who will rent to someone on housing benefit.
• In a week I'll have next to no food budget as I use what little money I have to pay for a deposit on new accommodation [I never did actually have one where I'm currently living].

Meanwhile my brain is trying to pretend reality doesn't exist. It's a defensive mechanism of my psychological makeup. When reality get's too much to deal with, it tries to pretend it's not there. That playing games and having fun is more important that getting on with things.

I was struggling to deal yesterday with the prospect of doing my college work. Now...

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I did have one crazy idea on how to resolve this; rent a storage container.

They cost, on a weekly basis, for the same size room, about half what I pay in rent.

Gain 24 hour access, somewhere close a gym for the shower and toilet, do my college work at the college where I'm studying, buy a cooler and few bags of ice each week that cost a pound each for food storage, and construct a nest inside the container.

I've seen pictures of people who've built actual honest to gods mansions out of storage containers, water proofed, wired with electrics and piped with plumbing. After all, a storage container is just a metal box and a house is just a concrete box.

The issue is with this is twofold.

• Firstly, most places don't have 24 hour access to the compounds they're built on. The best place I found does [and is sammitched between a 24 hour gym and an Iceland store], but would need me to be a customer for eight weeks before they'd give it to me. Doable maybe, but still...
• Secondly, my housing benefits are paid for a property. My job seekers isn't, so one hundred and forty every two weeks, forty on rent every week, works out at sixty every two weeks which is slightly less than what I have now with free access to amenities [bathroom, water, kitchen, etc.].
• Plus there's the obvious issue of what you're allowed to store there and the owners might take issue with a person living in one of their boxes.

Having a full time job, buying boxes and land and so forth, then doing them up works because I've seen it. But this impromptu set up only has the singular advantage of being accessible in the short term.

I've tried living in a hostel [instant access, pay by the day accommodation] and it's not something I ever want to repeat, which is why I was looking into this to begin with.

Finding another room to rent might be easier.

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A few days ago my biggest issue was taking care of my college work before the weekend, with a side of chasing up results from interviews and my student loan.

Now I'm virtually homeless and starving is the only way to fix it.

Fucking hate my life, but hating it isn't going to fix anything, so I had best go get on with it.