...Good grief...
Friday, went to see new place. Took a Barclays rentacycle. Spent a fuckton of energy and damaged my ass on the cycle seat. Got lost and never did actually see the room, which was too far away from the city centre anyway. Came home, got about 3 hours of sleep and did my best to revise for the exam. But due to lack of sleep - about 6 hours in 48 - I couldn't recall the names and years of most of the legislation, so I'll definitely be retaking these at the end of the course. Crashed for 12 hours, woke up, drinking and eating anything I can find, and trying to gather enough energy together to pack up everything I own and move into the hostel I've booked as I'm out of here to tomorrow one way or the other.
I tried to manage the situation best I could, and if I got at least one question right that's one more I don't have to get right during the retake, which means something as for two pins I would've blown off the exam yesterday entirely for getting a good nights sleep, and I think I got more right than that.
After I've moved, on Tuesday at the latest I'm writing the revision materials for the exams next weekend. A week's worth of revision minimum and not rushing should mean I roll up to the exam as fresh as a daisy. Going to do the next one right.
Then I'm going to look for a new room somewhere. I'll still have the deposit money and can pay for somewhere new so I'll only be in a hostel for a couple of weeks or so. It wouldn't be so bad.
...Just trying recover enough to move my stuff out...
---
One thing that pissed me off yesterday was my course tutor. I asked if I could go early and the guy says that he's going to have to make a note that I'm making a habit of not staying to the end of the weekend classes...
Well, yes. Last time, during the weekend of hell, I left because I was super fucking tired, had the flu, and just spent 3 days trying to gather the materials, pass a fitness test and an exam, now I've just spent 3 days trying to find somewhere new to live and trying to pass 2 exams. This is what is called extenuating circumstances. Transitory reasons as to why something to occurring the way it is. Two bad weekends one after the other.
I couldn't have foreseen flu before my fitness test. I couldn't have done anything more about being evicted. Shit happens, right? What pisses me off is that he didn't seem to give a damn about my situation. I mean, it didn't get seem to register. Leaving early was the point, but a little consideration as to why I was doing it didn't even cross his fucking mind.
Find, note that I'm skipping the end of the classes. When I've got a moment I'm going to tell the organizer of the course at the college why and register a complaint that I have a couple of good fucking reasons, prick.
I don't know what it is about police people, past or present, but some of them seem to entirely lack empathy or comprehension of ongoing circumstances.
That fitness instructor was aware that I wasn't acting right, but didn't care why that was and did something cruel and stupid; made me worry for days that I had failed my Day 2. My course tutor said he worked as a chief inspector or something and was a policeman for 30 odd years, and ignores temporary circumstances which cause this event in favour of disciplinary notification that now I have to worry about.
I mean, it's even written in the Blackstones manual to policing that taking action to suit the situation is what is required in almost every circumstance; don't arrest and process if a warning would do, don't beat senseless if cuffs would do, etc. Sensible stuff. And then you actually interact with some real police people and find that they ignore context for rules. Everyone was concerned about my health at the fitness test, except this one instructor. Telling me to try to be more prepared if I can for the next week would've done, but my lecturer decides that making an official note is the right course of action.
My point, as I said about the fitness test, that there is really no point in applying disciplinary procedures to someone who cannot help that the situation occurred. Don't punish someone for being immobilized when they got their legs broken in a car accident someone else caused. It's not right, it's not fair, it makes you look like a right cock blaster, and the only effect it has is to make the situation worse for the guy up to his neck in it already.
I really don't like other people.
---
Anyway, 5-10am today I'm packing, check in at 12 at the hostel and move my stuff for the rest of the day, then organize myself as best as I can.
Tomorrow I'll tally my resources, pay rent for the rest of this week, book another hostel for next weekend as I wasn't able to, write revision materials and try to catch up with my college work ASAP. Plus try to find 20 quid to cover the cost of that fucking doctors signature form.
What I want is about another 12 hours sleep, a few square meals, and a couple of days to recover so my calves stop cramping and my ass doesn't hurt so much.
HEH, good joke.
Whatever.
Showing posts with label Insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insanity. Show all posts
06/07/2014
01/07/2014
On Operations...
Hai! :O
Just realized what time it is, 10pm, and that I've not made a blog post yet. Also got a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon which I can't forget about too [hint, hint to self], especially seeing as I'm wiping spit off my bloody monitor from explosive coughing right now.
Let's make this quick cus I'm vadeing college work at the moment to write this and I need to get the hell on with that...
---
SHEL - When The Sky Fell (Official Music Video)
---
Watched 24 S09E10 this morning, which is all kinds of epic. Really enjoying that at the moment and wish there was 12 more episodes [24 with only 12 episodes is just weird] but what they've done is quite cool.
It was weird seeing her from The Red Wedding playing the bad guy, but it's so very, very epic seeing Jack in 'That was me being polite, I'll do whatever the hell I want when I want and we both know you can't stop me doing it' mode. In all the other seasons he was working under authority, and now he's still doing good but authority of any kind can kiss his ass, it's awesome.
That's the kind of freedom I want out of the world; I know best and will do what I think is right and not only should you not stop me doing it but trying to stop me once I set my mind to it is impossible.
Some day.
In other TV news: been trying to remember for several days now where I've seen the actor who plays the protagonist in Perception before, and then remembered it was Will and Grace, a US sitcom where he played this gay guy as a lawyer I think.
Gay guy lawyer in sitcom to FBI consultant paranoid schizophrenic brain specialist. GG. And he's hot too [no homo...well, half homo cus I'm bi, but I'd hit that].
It annoys me though that this thing is on it's third season now and Lie to Me got cancelled after two. Granted it went off the rails at the start of season two, but I'd rather have a continuation of season one than this. But Perception isn't a bad watch, though it does seem like every other show is a...what do they call them? Police procedural isn't it? But I've not seen a show about a paranoid schizophrenic before, and the self-reflective episodes appeal to me because half the time I think I'm several ants short of a picnic.
There was a show in 2013 called Dracula. It was a supernatural period piece featuring a rework of the traditional Dracula story. And I thought it was fucking excellent. The story was good, the action was awesome, his struggle to hide his nature was epic, the whole wireless electricity idea was very steam punk, and the black Igor was inspire. And then it got shit canned by ABC after one season. I fucking hate it when that happens. And it didn't deserve it.
Revolution got cancelled after two seasons, which was understandable because it went right off the rails after the first season, but there was nothing wrong with Dracula. Someone should pick that shit up as a novel concept and go to town, they'd make millions for the rework of the classic.
---
I mean, it's a comparative analysis. You walk around not thinking like other people, you see what they don't, they tell you that you should feel this with this stimulus and you start to wonder what's broken inside your head when disassociated people tell you the same thing.
If sanity is measured by the consensus, and I don't think like everyone else, who is the madman here; me or the rest of the world? Personally I believe I'm functionally dysfunctional; I might not be like everyone else, but I'm not unhappy about that and I do get my work done [when I have any to do anyway], so what's the harm?
Well the harm is that sometimes I run into annoying lil troublemakers who decide that the big freak is too freakish to be allowed and his entire existence must be questioned and ostracised. There's a price you pay for originality, and that is rejection by your peers. Doesn't matter if it's in terms of social behaviour or professional conceptualization, if you don't measure up to someone else's standard of normal sometimes people give you a lot of grief over it in the belief that unless you're like the rest of the apples you must be poisonous rot, rather than a banana.
That's humans, and people wonder why I'm misanthropic and oh so cynical.
---
With my adoption of Google 'Chrome' as my browser of choice at the moment after years of using Firefox I decided to go check out the rest of Google's product range.
This was after I restored the drag scroll functionality I have in Firefox to Chrome anyway with the 'Scrollbar Anywhere' extension. This should be included by default in all browsers as it's the best way to precisely control scrolling when you're reading for example and want a slow slide down the page.
I've adopted 'Docs', 'Sites' and 'Drive' from this list.
Docs is basically MS Word online and saves the files to Drive, online cloud storage. Sites can be set up to be like an editable PDF document, so you write a chapter introduction, and then write each sequential part under it. Automatic headings you could say and a great way to categorize content of a book or something. I think it might be useful for writing my computer games development thesis rather than Codex Mundus maybe.
I can see why the meme about Google becoming our new overlords was made after looking at this list cus let's face it, if you go around making a lot of high quality free online software which works neigh perfectly you're going to go a long, long way.
If they made Google 'Games', a computer games studio with their own console I'm sure they could corner the fucking games market easily.
Strangely though you never really hear about their products. Everyone knows about the search engine, the translator, and maybe even the blogger, and Google+ pops up every now and again, but a lot of this stuff isn't well known I don't think. I've not seen it in the places where I hear about associated online services like them anyway.
---
After thinking about this for a while I did realize how virtual computing could work though.
I mean, if you had a device with great graphical processing capacity and display plus a powerful on-board router which could access over the internet something like Google 'Docs' and 'Drive', then you wouldn't need a PC with it's own hard disk drive and processor, you'd just access Google 'PC' for example and they'd do the operations and send the results to your screen.
Alright, so that comes with a whole bag of complications ranging from a spectrum of privacy issues, both in regards to your host searching your files for information combined with inception of files on route between the host server and your work station, and operational issues, including what programs you run, what files you access, and your personal activity history.
A centralized mass database of not just user details but user PC's would be the holy grail of hacks, and nothing online could ever be considered unhackable.
Then you need to consider acts-of-god. One accident and 10,000 PC's and people's virtual lives are destroyed at worst in made in accessible at best for an indefinite amount of time.
You could do it and it'd probably be awesome to be able to access from anywhere and run super high powered programs that would take a £10,000 PC to run yourself for a low monthly fee or something, like internet access. But you would lose quite a lot freedom and run quite a lot of risk in so doing.
Centralization makes things much more efficient, but decentralization makes them much safer.
As with most things, a lil of a both are probably a good idea; keep the PC but some things, like games for example, could be turned into virtual services where the processing is done somewhere else and you just get the gameplay. If you can make the wifi efficient enough anyway, but that's improving all the time.
It's an interesting concept anyway.
---
Opened Gumtree sometime this afternoon and put some credit onto my phone. Sent out about six texts to various ads asking for viewings. Got two replies and a bunch of places I need to visit to consult with them about available properties to rent in London. Going to look into it and make phone calls tomorrow and doing college work today.
And by doing college work I mean looking like this a lot of the time whilst reading and making a copy of the course materials into a 600 page [so far] word document.
It's so stupid. They have this online website called Moodle. All the college course materials for my certificate in basic policing course are on there, plus several dozen online quizzes which I need to complete in order to pass the course. The rest of the marking criteria consists of exams done from week 5 through to week 10. I aced, by my own surprise due to sleeplessness and flu, the week 5 exam. Got two on Saturday for the week 6 exam.
And basically what I've been doing is opening each annotated presentation, handout, and eWorkbook, as they call them, on Moodle and copying them into a giant word document, which means copy, paste into notepad to shred the website formatting, paste into word and adjust for double returns and bullet points, etc..
After that the online quizzes are simply a matter of reading the question list and using the search function to find the answer in the word document, writing it down and then selecting the right answer from the multiple choice quiz. Easy.
The issue is that copy, paste, adjust for formatting task takes fucking ages and is dull shit.
Granted to get through week 1-4 I basically watched all of 24 whilst copying and pasting, except for those bits where I needed to do the quizzes and revise for the exams, which was fun, but it stills boring as hell.
This course should be taught as activities. Or given to each person in a giant lump that they can search through and read as required to answer questions. This 'do a lot of reading' approach is laborious nonsense.
And the tutor just tells us information that's in the presentations during the 8 hour fucking tutorials as well. Badly presented nonsense I could do without. Exams, OK, but I'd rather spend 8 hours reading the course materials, which I hate doing, than sit there being told what's in the course materials verbally.
Le sigh. Gotta do it if I want to pass the course and get hired though, so only 10 more weeks to go and then I'll be free to review the material as needed for whatever the actual police training will require me to know. Doing it in practise will be a hell've a lot easier for my practical minded brain to absorb than reading it I can tell you that.
I just wish whomsoever wrote my course materials understood the concept of the paragraph because no case study should be a half A4 page of solid text, ye gods.
---
I am having a slight issue with the concept of dispute management.
It doesn't seem like you're allowed to express anger even when it's a justifiable emotion. Someone does you wrong and any normal human being should be angry and express it as a signal of behaviour on the part of someone else which isn't acceptable.
But as a policeman it seems the most you can do is state deadpan your point of view to maintain calm in the situation. Logically I can see why, and I'm rarely angry about anything, even in the face of blatant rudeness. I treat events as information and not as emotional generators by default, it's just who I am.
On the other hand, anger serves a purpose in conversation the same way words do; to imply meaning through emotion is as essential as stating information.
I have full right to be angry at the fitness instructor who totally lacked empathy for my situation during my Day 2. But I doubt I would get away with expressing that with my reasoned point of view, especially given that she reprimanded me on the basis that my attitude was off. Her behaviour was unacceptable, and that point should be made, but deadpan delivery doesn't express my point of view, it simply states the facts. She offended me deeply for what she did given the circumstances and anger is the appropriate response. I'm not seeking resolution to the circumstances, I just want to convey that she acted like a right stone cold bitch without actually saying it. I don't care about apologies either. I just need to make sure she hasn't disabled my application, and appeal if she has.
All in all, it's not my methodology I'm questioning here you understand, it's the perspective of those who will be evaluating and training me in law enforcement. I have methods and those methods will probably work, but will they match the marking criteria written by a lesser mind who believes protocol supersedes context?
Will I be failed based on someone's perception, regardless of the effectiveness of my actions? It's happened before, but given the amount of work I'm putting in here I don't want it to happen again.
---
In a lighter note: when I become a copper I'll be a constable, or police constable, or PC. I'll be PC Miles. I'll evolve into a computer, lol. They said I could become anything, so I because a personal computer.
And yes, I am such a freaking nerd. xD
---
And that's about it.
Got a customer survey from the guys behind TOME: Immortal Arena, and replied with my professional opinion about some aspects of the game. Already wrote about them here and been writing this for an hour and half now so I don't wanna rehash.
I did realize though that the male voice [which is unusual for games which normally go in for female voice actresses] they use during play to announce towers being attacked and things is actually Bruce Campbell, the fucking bas ass mother fucker who played Ash in the Evil Dead franchise.
It's quite possible I'll never forget the line 'Your top tower thingy fell down'. xD
---
OH: and I also looked into maybe doing some freelance writing and things.
A helpful human, @JoeThreepwood on Twitter, gave me some tips in that area, like don't work for free, cover games editors don't already know about, like indie titles, and write pitches to send to editors, not whole articles.
Might be an interesting writing sideline to working for the police seeing as I write a hell've a lot anyway [I mean, look at these blog posts], but I don't have time right now seeing as I need somewhere new to live on Monday and have not one but two exams on Saturday.
Right now though I'm starving hungry and want to get a couple more hours of college work done before snooze and going to the doctors tomorrow where they'll hopefully tell me what the blood hell this throat issue is and how to cure it. I need some fucking exercise for crying out loud.
Have a good one.
Just realized what time it is, 10pm, and that I've not made a blog post yet. Also got a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon which I can't forget about too [hint, hint to self], especially seeing as I'm wiping spit off my bloody monitor from explosive coughing right now.
Let's make this quick cus I'm vadeing college work at the moment to write this and I need to get the hell on with that...
---
SHEL - When The Sky Fell (Official Music Video)
Watched 24 S09E10 this morning, which is all kinds of epic. Really enjoying that at the moment and wish there was 12 more episodes [24 with only 12 episodes is just weird] but what they've done is quite cool.
It was weird seeing her from The Red Wedding playing the bad guy, but it's so very, very epic seeing Jack in 'That was me being polite, I'll do whatever the hell I want when I want and we both know you can't stop me doing it' mode. In all the other seasons he was working under authority, and now he's still doing good but authority of any kind can kiss his ass, it's awesome.
That's the kind of freedom I want out of the world; I know best and will do what I think is right and not only should you not stop me doing it but trying to stop me once I set my mind to it is impossible.
Some day.
In other TV news: been trying to remember for several days now where I've seen the actor who plays the protagonist in Perception before, and then remembered it was Will and Grace, a US sitcom where he played this gay guy as a lawyer I think.
Gay guy lawyer in sitcom to FBI consultant paranoid schizophrenic brain specialist. GG. And he's hot too [no homo...well, half homo cus I'm bi, but I'd hit that].
It annoys me though that this thing is on it's third season now and Lie to Me got cancelled after two. Granted it went off the rails at the start of season two, but I'd rather have a continuation of season one than this. But Perception isn't a bad watch, though it does seem like every other show is a...what do they call them? Police procedural isn't it? But I've not seen a show about a paranoid schizophrenic before, and the self-reflective episodes appeal to me because half the time I think I'm several ants short of a picnic.
There was a show in 2013 called Dracula. It was a supernatural period piece featuring a rework of the traditional Dracula story. And I thought it was fucking excellent. The story was good, the action was awesome, his struggle to hide his nature was epic, the whole wireless electricity idea was very steam punk, and the black Igor was inspire. And then it got shit canned by ABC after one season. I fucking hate it when that happens. And it didn't deserve it.
Revolution got cancelled after two seasons, which was understandable because it went right off the rails after the first season, but there was nothing wrong with Dracula. Someone should pick that shit up as a novel concept and go to town, they'd make millions for the rework of the classic.
---
I mean, it's a comparative analysis. You walk around not thinking like other people, you see what they don't, they tell you that you should feel this with this stimulus and you start to wonder what's broken inside your head when disassociated people tell you the same thing.
If sanity is measured by the consensus, and I don't think like everyone else, who is the madman here; me or the rest of the world? Personally I believe I'm functionally dysfunctional; I might not be like everyone else, but I'm not unhappy about that and I do get my work done [when I have any to do anyway], so what's the harm?
Well the harm is that sometimes I run into annoying lil troublemakers who decide that the big freak is too freakish to be allowed and his entire existence must be questioned and ostracised. There's a price you pay for originality, and that is rejection by your peers. Doesn't matter if it's in terms of social behaviour or professional conceptualization, if you don't measure up to someone else's standard of normal sometimes people give you a lot of grief over it in the belief that unless you're like the rest of the apples you must be poisonous rot, rather than a banana.
That's humans, and people wonder why I'm misanthropic and oh so cynical.
---
With my adoption of Google 'Chrome' as my browser of choice at the moment after years of using Firefox I decided to go check out the rest of Google's product range.
This was after I restored the drag scroll functionality I have in Firefox to Chrome anyway with the 'Scrollbar Anywhere' extension. This should be included by default in all browsers as it's the best way to precisely control scrolling when you're reading for example and want a slow slide down the page.
I've adopted 'Docs', 'Sites' and 'Drive' from this list.
Docs is basically MS Word online and saves the files to Drive, online cloud storage. Sites can be set up to be like an editable PDF document, so you write a chapter introduction, and then write each sequential part under it. Automatic headings you could say and a great way to categorize content of a book or something. I think it might be useful for writing my computer games development thesis rather than Codex Mundus maybe.
I can see why the meme about Google becoming our new overlords was made after looking at this list cus let's face it, if you go around making a lot of high quality free online software which works neigh perfectly you're going to go a long, long way.
If they made Google 'Games', a computer games studio with their own console I'm sure they could corner the fucking games market easily.
Strangely though you never really hear about their products. Everyone knows about the search engine, the translator, and maybe even the blogger, and Google+ pops up every now and again, but a lot of this stuff isn't well known I don't think. I've not seen it in the places where I hear about associated online services like them anyway.
---
After thinking about this for a while I did realize how virtual computing could work though.
I mean, if you had a device with great graphical processing capacity and display plus a powerful on-board router which could access over the internet something like Google 'Docs' and 'Drive', then you wouldn't need a PC with it's own hard disk drive and processor, you'd just access Google 'PC' for example and they'd do the operations and send the results to your screen.
Alright, so that comes with a whole bag of complications ranging from a spectrum of privacy issues, both in regards to your host searching your files for information combined with inception of files on route between the host server and your work station, and operational issues, including what programs you run, what files you access, and your personal activity history.
A centralized mass database of not just user details but user PC's would be the holy grail of hacks, and nothing online could ever be considered unhackable.
Then you need to consider acts-of-god. One accident and 10,000 PC's and people's virtual lives are destroyed at worst in made in accessible at best for an indefinite amount of time.
You could do it and it'd probably be awesome to be able to access from anywhere and run super high powered programs that would take a £10,000 PC to run yourself for a low monthly fee or something, like internet access. But you would lose quite a lot freedom and run quite a lot of risk in so doing.
Centralization makes things much more efficient, but decentralization makes them much safer.
As with most things, a lil of a both are probably a good idea; keep the PC but some things, like games for example, could be turned into virtual services where the processing is done somewhere else and you just get the gameplay. If you can make the wifi efficient enough anyway, but that's improving all the time.
It's an interesting concept anyway.
---
Opened Gumtree sometime this afternoon and put some credit onto my phone. Sent out about six texts to various ads asking for viewings. Got two replies and a bunch of places I need to visit to consult with them about available properties to rent in London. Going to look into it and make phone calls tomorrow and doing college work today.
And by doing college work I mean looking like this a lot of the time whilst reading and making a copy of the course materials into a 600 page [so far] word document.
It's so stupid. They have this online website called Moodle. All the college course materials for my certificate in basic policing course are on there, plus several dozen online quizzes which I need to complete in order to pass the course. The rest of the marking criteria consists of exams done from week 5 through to week 10. I aced, by my own surprise due to sleeplessness and flu, the week 5 exam. Got two on Saturday for the week 6 exam.
And basically what I've been doing is opening each annotated presentation, handout, and eWorkbook, as they call them, on Moodle and copying them into a giant word document, which means copy, paste into notepad to shred the website formatting, paste into word and adjust for double returns and bullet points, etc..
After that the online quizzes are simply a matter of reading the question list and using the search function to find the answer in the word document, writing it down and then selecting the right answer from the multiple choice quiz. Easy.
The issue is that copy, paste, adjust for formatting task takes fucking ages and is dull shit.
Granted to get through week 1-4 I basically watched all of 24 whilst copying and pasting, except for those bits where I needed to do the quizzes and revise for the exams, which was fun, but it stills boring as hell.
This course should be taught as activities. Or given to each person in a giant lump that they can search through and read as required to answer questions. This 'do a lot of reading' approach is laborious nonsense.
And the tutor just tells us information that's in the presentations during the 8 hour fucking tutorials as well. Badly presented nonsense I could do without. Exams, OK, but I'd rather spend 8 hours reading the course materials, which I hate doing, than sit there being told what's in the course materials verbally.
Le sigh. Gotta do it if I want to pass the course and get hired though, so only 10 more weeks to go and then I'll be free to review the material as needed for whatever the actual police training will require me to know. Doing it in practise will be a hell've a lot easier for my practical minded brain to absorb than reading it I can tell you that.
I just wish whomsoever wrote my course materials understood the concept of the paragraph because no case study should be a half A4 page of solid text, ye gods.
---
I am having a slight issue with the concept of dispute management.
It doesn't seem like you're allowed to express anger even when it's a justifiable emotion. Someone does you wrong and any normal human being should be angry and express it as a signal of behaviour on the part of someone else which isn't acceptable.
But as a policeman it seems the most you can do is state deadpan your point of view to maintain calm in the situation. Logically I can see why, and I'm rarely angry about anything, even in the face of blatant rudeness. I treat events as information and not as emotional generators by default, it's just who I am.
On the other hand, anger serves a purpose in conversation the same way words do; to imply meaning through emotion is as essential as stating information.
I have full right to be angry at the fitness instructor who totally lacked empathy for my situation during my Day 2. But I doubt I would get away with expressing that with my reasoned point of view, especially given that she reprimanded me on the basis that my attitude was off. Her behaviour was unacceptable, and that point should be made, but deadpan delivery doesn't express my point of view, it simply states the facts. She offended me deeply for what she did given the circumstances and anger is the appropriate response. I'm not seeking resolution to the circumstances, I just want to convey that she acted like a right stone cold bitch without actually saying it. I don't care about apologies either. I just need to make sure she hasn't disabled my application, and appeal if she has.
All in all, it's not my methodology I'm questioning here you understand, it's the perspective of those who will be evaluating and training me in law enforcement. I have methods and those methods will probably work, but will they match the marking criteria written by a lesser mind who believes protocol supersedes context?
Will I be failed based on someone's perception, regardless of the effectiveness of my actions? It's happened before, but given the amount of work I'm putting in here I don't want it to happen again.
---
In a lighter note: when I become a copper I'll be a constable, or police constable, or PC. I'll be PC Miles. I'll evolve into a computer, lol. They said I could become anything, so I because a personal computer.
And yes, I am such a freaking nerd. xD
---
And that's about it.
Got a customer survey from the guys behind TOME: Immortal Arena, and replied with my professional opinion about some aspects of the game. Already wrote about them here and been writing this for an hour and half now so I don't wanna rehash.
I did realize though that the male voice [which is unusual for games which normally go in for female voice actresses] they use during play to announce towers being attacked and things is actually Bruce Campbell, the fucking bas ass mother fucker who played Ash in the Evil Dead franchise.
It's quite possible I'll never forget the line 'Your top tower thingy fell down'. xD
---
OH: and I also looked into maybe doing some freelance writing and things.
A helpful human, @JoeThreepwood on Twitter, gave me some tips in that area, like don't work for free, cover games editors don't already know about, like indie titles, and write pitches to send to editors, not whole articles.
Might be an interesting writing sideline to working for the police seeing as I write a hell've a lot anyway [I mean, look at these blog posts], but I don't have time right now seeing as I need somewhere new to live on Monday and have not one but two exams on Saturday.
Right now though I'm starving hungry and want to get a couple more hours of college work done before snooze and going to the doctors tomorrow where they'll hopefully tell me what the blood hell this throat issue is and how to cure it. I need some fucking exercise for crying out loud.
Have a good one.
30/06/2014
On Trying...
Evening.
---
Writing this inside Google's Chrome browser instead of FireFox cus I was curious to see which ran better [security isn't really an issue for me, it's getting people to NOTICE me that's the bloody trick] and it did, especially TOME: Immortal Arena, the current MOBA game I'm playing, so I decided to swap to this for now.
Easy enough seeing as Google were smart enough to import all my bookmarks and things from FireFox and included the bookmark tab bar which I use all the time. Missing the drag to scroll extension I have in FireFox sometimes, but this thing works better so, suits me.
---
I'm a goat and just blew up a gas station with an axe...stuck...to...my...tongue... ._. ...*commits suicide*
That's it, he says from beyond the grave, there is no hope left for humanity.
Some people aspire to make whole virtual worlds as computer games where people can almost live inside mystical lands of pure joy and imagination...and then some people make buggy trippy goat simulators and find out that what people really want in a game is to be a goat who wrecks human society with an dexterous mouth appendage.
This is why we can't have nice things. >.<
You know you've seen waaay too much Californication when you find this funny. xD
Found today that I have matching holes in my trainers, and you could say that it's solidarity between those under the heel of the oppressor. :P #suchanerd
People take the statements of the professionally witty, remove them from their context and use them to make some abstract point no one except for them really understand. Or they end up sounding like a motivational poster, and I hate that shit. Those are the modern equivalent of 'Hang In There Baby' cat posts, and just as empty and meaningless.
SHE'S FUCKING HOT, that's my point. She's hot and for a moment I thought she might be intelligent but it's more likely that she's just a pretender, like the rest of her actor ilk.
---
I keep checking out Craigslist Los Angeles missed connections for these posts being made by this closet-transsexual girl called Dodger who is a vlogger from YouTube [most of them are being posted by her, and you'll see it after a while of reading them that they all share a similar theme and structure] who I'm beyond in love with [the type of love that the sight of them makes your melt into a puddle, where they can do no wrong, and you'd eat your own arms to touch them with a toe] and is, in case you haven't gathered, a mad as a spoon.
She posts on there due to crippling social-anxiety which prevents her from having normal relationships, or maybe she's just trying to fuck with me, I've never quite clarified that really.
Point is that I'm never going to email her ever again, but I do check it from time to time. Not entirely sure why really. Probably out of 'love', but that shit is toxic and so's she so I'm staying far away from her for my own benefit. It's not a healthy situation, and she's not mentally healthy. Doesn't stop me feeling how I do, but just because the poison tastes nice doesn't mean you should drink it.
I want someone to love and be with, but I'm too damaged, too much of a freak, too intelligent in the wrong way to ever achieve that. It's just nice to think that someone out there desires my company and is on my side sometimes, even if they should be institutionalized for being terminally batshit.
[This is one of those things that you shouldn't try to contact me about...if I put contact details anywhere on this site anyway...because I know what the truth is, and that's all that matters. I have nothing to prove here.]
---
SOHYEH: swapped to Chrome over FireFox, teehee, ripping off my landlady so I have somewhere to sleep, student loan companies are fucking annoying [if I owed them money they'd be on my ass like fireants], selling shit is hard, listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles after The Discworld, Maggie Grace is hawt, and I'm still playing TOME. Also gotten used to the new Linkin Park album, The Hunting Party, and quite enjoying it now.
Going to get some sammitches and eat some fruit and then do college work for five hours.
I've sent out a bunch of emails to various leasers but they probably won't reply to them. Gotta put some credit on my phone tomorrow and start calling people.
When I went out today I didn't cough as much as I thought I would, but I do think it's a bad case of strep because when I exerted myself [which is pretty dam easy because I've not gotten any exercise in weeks] I started coughing my guts up, so I expect anti-bios will be able to take care of it.
Doctors. Wednesday. GG.
And that's it; college work, searching for acom. Day 1
Post again tomorrow.
Good evening.
---
Writing this inside Google's Chrome browser instead of FireFox cus I was curious to see which ran better [security isn't really an issue for me, it's getting people to NOTICE me that's the bloody trick] and it did, especially TOME: Immortal Arena, the current MOBA game I'm playing, so I decided to swap to this for now.
Easy enough seeing as Google were smart enough to import all my bookmarks and things from FireFox and included the bookmark tab bar which I use all the time. Missing the drag to scroll extension I have in FireFox sometimes, but this thing works better so, suits me.
---
I'm a goat and just blew up a gas station with an axe...stuck...to...my...tongue... ._. ...*commits suicide*
That's it, he says from beyond the grave, there is no hope left for humanity.
Some people aspire to make whole virtual worlds as computer games where people can almost live inside mystical lands of pure joy and imagination...and then some people make buggy trippy goat simulators and find out that what people really want in a game is to be a goat who wrecks human society with an dexterous mouth appendage.
This is why we can't have nice things. >.<
You know you've seen waaay too much Californication when you find this funny. xD
Found today that I have matching holes in my trainers, and you could say that it's solidarity between those under the heel of the oppressor. :P #suchanerd
---
In darker news; I'm in another fucked up situation [these things are weekly events in my universe].
Got £140 in job seeker benefits this morning and I'm getting another £160 on Monday, leaving me a little less than £300 to cover my new acom costs. I owe my landlady, as of Monday next, £200. I need between £210 and £240 to pay for the deposit and a weeks rent on new accommodation. So either I can pay all the rent I owe here and have nothing to pay for my new living conditions. Or I can pay nothing here and rip my landlady off and have somewhere to sleep next Monday.
Gotta love life eh?
I could probably pay most of what I owe and stay in a hostel, but that's a living death and I'd rather piss her off than go doing that again.
So she's buggered as I need to pay for somewhere to sleep, but asides from not wanting to do it to her, I also might not get away with it because she might at least try to kick me out in the next seven days. It would still be a dam stupid thing to do as she'd miss out on any chance of getting £200 in rent, but she could do it and leave me up shit creek.
I wonder if coppers need to be good liars because I've had more than a little practise. Fortunately it's not hard to sell the lie really as I've waited a week or two before paying my rent in full before so saying that and 'I'll settle up when I go' isn't that odd for me.
I just don't have a better option right now, so this is the way it's going to be. Regret and sorrow are for those who don't get shit on by humans on a weekly basis, however. I don't feel much of anything about the situation [thank the fucking hell for that], I'm just doing whatever I can to keep afloat until I finish my college course and get hired by the police [assuming that fitness instructor didn't blow that shit up with her complaint, but I should be able to appeal it if she does...for crying out fucking loud humanity].
---
Sent the seventh or eighth letter to the student loans company about section 4 of my 24+ Student Loan application, giving them the same information those assholes have already been given by me AND confirmed on their own system.
I'm allowed the fucking loan, but they needed a copy of the form with the boxes checked, and sent me a letter with the request and my details on it and everything. So I went to the library, printed off the relevant page, three fucking times mark you, filled out each and sent it back to em with a message saying 'Process it in 2 weeks or it's time for the lawyers'.
I don't see why this shit was so fucking hard to get done, I really don't.
---
Dropped about half a dozen pairs of jeans off at a heart health charity shop as I couldn't sell them and am in no mood to try. Got thanked much for the donation [it was just jeans people, wow] and ran away. I just didn't know what the fuck else to do with em. *shrug*
Never buying wholesale shit again and trying to sell it. I'm a magus, not a merchant. I couldn't sell a glass of water to a desert dweller, though I could probably tell him where he is and what type of sand he's standing on after a while.
---
Downloaded The Iron Druid Chronicles by Kevin Hearne, which is meant to be in the same genre as one of my favourite audiobook series called The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher.
I get the impression that it's a bit mediocre as these things go, but I saw it years ago when the first one came out and, as I apparently don't ever forget things I don't forget on purpose which will later come back to bite me in the ass, I'm curious about it now.
Going to finish off the last few of The Watch novels, a sub-series in The Discworld Chronicles by Terry Pratchett, to round up my umpteenth listen of all 40 odd Discworld novels, and then give it a go.
---
I've got this picture of this A-List celebrity called Maggie Grace on my desktop, who's this goddess blond chick who played the love interest in S06 of Californication, and the teenage sister in Lost.
Beautiful women, but usually I ignore celebrities because they tend to be the modern equivalent of aristocrats; elite social society who're totally out of touch with the common troll in the street due to their wealth, fame, and socialist life style.
Occasionally though I get interested in the buggers because sometimes they turn out to be real human beings who're just incidentally uber famous and have actually have some genuine talent.
James Spader for example. I've seen a shit ton of media in my time and the way he acts and the parts he plays makes him something special in the field. Don't know about him in her personal life, bar what's on Wikipedia, but the guy can fucking act man. Peter Dinklage too. That guys a fucking legend for his work in Game of Thrones.
Anyway, my point here was that Maggie Grace's Twitter stream is filled with quotes and things...fuck, actually here and now they seem like pretentious nonsense, like most quotes really.
People take the statements of the professionally witty, remove them from their context and use them to make some abstract point no one except for them really understand. Or they end up sounding like a motivational poster, and I hate that shit. Those are the modern equivalent of 'Hang In There Baby' cat posts, and just as empty and meaningless.
SHE'S FUCKING HOT, that's my point. She's hot and for a moment I thought she might be intelligent but it's more likely that she's just a pretender, like the rest of her actor ilk.
---
I keep checking out Craigslist Los Angeles missed connections for these posts being made by this closet-transsexual girl called Dodger who is a vlogger from YouTube [most of them are being posted by her, and you'll see it after a while of reading them that they all share a similar theme and structure] who I'm beyond in love with [the type of love that the sight of them makes your melt into a puddle, where they can do no wrong, and you'd eat your own arms to touch them with a toe] and is, in case you haven't gathered, a mad as a spoon.
She posts on there due to crippling social-anxiety which prevents her from having normal relationships, or maybe she's just trying to fuck with me, I've never quite clarified that really.
Point is that I'm never going to email her ever again, but I do check it from time to time. Not entirely sure why really. Probably out of 'love', but that shit is toxic and so's she so I'm staying far away from her for my own benefit. It's not a healthy situation, and she's not mentally healthy. Doesn't stop me feeling how I do, but just because the poison tastes nice doesn't mean you should drink it.
I want someone to love and be with, but I'm too damaged, too much of a freak, too intelligent in the wrong way to ever achieve that. It's just nice to think that someone out there desires my company and is on my side sometimes, even if they should be institutionalized for being terminally batshit.
[This is one of those things that you shouldn't try to contact me about...if I put contact details anywhere on this site anyway...because I know what the truth is, and that's all that matters. I have nothing to prove here.]
---
SOHYEH: swapped to Chrome over FireFox, teehee, ripping off my landlady so I have somewhere to sleep, student loan companies are fucking annoying [if I owed them money they'd be on my ass like fireants], selling shit is hard, listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles after The Discworld, Maggie Grace is hawt, and I'm still playing TOME. Also gotten used to the new Linkin Park album, The Hunting Party, and quite enjoying it now.
Going to get some sammitches and eat some fruit and then do college work for five hours.
I've sent out a bunch of emails to various leasers but they probably won't reply to them. Gotta put some credit on my phone tomorrow and start calling people.
When I went out today I didn't cough as much as I thought I would, but I do think it's a bad case of strep because when I exerted myself [which is pretty dam easy because I've not gotten any exercise in weeks] I started coughing my guts up, so I expect anti-bios will be able to take care of it.
Doctors. Wednesday. GG.
And that's it; college work, searching for acom. Day 1
Post again tomorrow.
Good evening.
27/06/2014
On Friday...
Starting this post early with good news.
--- // ---
Around 10am right now, just woke up, checked my email from the manager of my certificate in basic policing course, and he told me I aced [scored 100%] on my Week 5 exam. xD
That's amazing. I had the flu, had been awake since 1am, tail end of the weekend from hell, and yet I was still able to roll up in that class and word vomit out all the answers to a freaking exam.
On the one hand, I wanted to die and left the class early and barely made it home to bed before passing out. And on the other hand, I aced an exam in the middle of it when I nearly fell asleep on the desk three or four times that day.
There are distinct advantages to being an abused genius, not least that my brain is GENIUS BRAIN and still operates rather well despite being the universe's favorite chew toy. xD
Not bad.
I am going to get to college this weekend on a full nights sleep, solid revision and well fed before my next two exams. Highly confident [he says this now and JINXES it] that the next two will be no problem.
Good morning. ^-^
---
...Good grief, some people need a grow a sense of the dramatic. xD
Said to my course tutor, 'I can't believe I passed that with 100%, that weekend was a nightmare' in an email, and he replied back with 'I have double checked the results [totally deadpan] and it is 100%'...awesome...thanks...didn't mean you to do that you piece of bloody cardboard, THANKS THOUGH. xD
Taking enjoyment in your work, being casual, playing along, to me it's what makes doing anything worth doing it, but with some people they just can't see the rub.
--- // ---
Now around 12:30, just got dressed and about to clean my abode some before a photographer comes by after 4 tonight to take pictures for the estate agents.
Bit unsure what they're going to make of the fact that I've covered the vent in my room with duck tape after it grew these tendrils of dust or something and I didn't want to be breathing whatever it was spewing into my room. On the other hand though it's the landlady's issue and not mine. By law it's her responsibility to look after those types of things. I've not directly damaged the walls, the mold got there by itself by the properties design, so I've got nothing to worry about in terms of repairs.
---
In passing I emailed my college to see if my 24+ Student Loan has gone through to pay for my Certificate in Basic Policing course.
It hasn't.
Applied for it more than twelve weeks ago, missed section 4.1.1 and 4.1.2 [why yes, I have memorized the fucking numbers thank you so very much], and ever since they've refused to process it.
I've phoned them, Student Finance England, and had them confirm my identity and ask them why it hasn't been processed. Then when they said it was because they hadn't confirmed if I was in arrears with my full time student loan [section 4, two boxes] I said I didn't think so and asked them to check their systems. They did and confirmed that I wasn't, but said they needed it in writing. So I sent them a letter with the information in it with my signature. I filed a complaint when they still failed to process it via email and the complaints department at SFE checked with the 24+ Student Loan department and they confirmed I was allowed it, but they needed the actual form. So I sent them the actual form. Just after I sent it, a letter arrived titled 'We Need More Information From You'. I had just sent them the actual form so I decided to let that stand for my reply. More than two weeks later, now, I check and they still haven't fucking processed it. So tomorrow I need to fill out this fucking letter form and try again.
Just asked them to pass my complaint to the independent assessors, which is stage 2 of their complaints procedure [customer service, complaints department, independent assessors] to see if they will process it.
After that, we're onto the lawyers.
God dam it, I swear no one else has to go through this ridiculous shit but me.
---
I still can't fucking believe I passed that exam. xD
I was just so fucked up that weekend, what with the flu and the sleeplessness and everything.
Epic.
--- // ---
Cleaned up. Did washing up. Had foods. Very full. More cleaning. College work.
--- // ---
I've taken about 9 caffeine pills in the last 3 hours, and still feel tired. And each one is worth about 2 large cans of Red Bull...I think I have a fucking epic level of immunity to my favourite stimulant.
--- // ---
North Korea threatens war on US over Kim Jong-un Movie
- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-28014069
The biggest joke of a nation on Earth, North Korea, decided that a movie about assassinating their tyrant made by the biggest sartorial nation on earth [in the sense of having the sense of humor of five year old boys], the US, is an act of terrorism.
Do these human beings know that the rest of the world thinks their government is hair-on-fire crazy?
I mean, it's one thing to hate the US and Americans in general and it's one thing to find something offensive and say so, but when you can barely feed your own population and can't invade the South end of Korea when you're the North, it's not a show of good form to threaten a world super-power with war.
Jus sayin.
Mad.
---
Cleaned the dust up, tried to extract as much mottled dust from the interior of my PC as possible, and now watching Californication and cleaning my bedside table.
Still really tired for some reason, but doing college work after this.
--- // ---
Got tired of not being able to use iTunes which has all my music on it when I wanted to listen to my Linkin Park albums with an equalizer applied for rock [everything from music to audiobooks sounds better with it enabled] so finally checked into why the program was crashing a few seconds after launch.
First I thought it was a plug-in from Last.FM called Scrobbler, which is designed to categorize what you listen to and then make recommendations on new music. But after running it in safe-mode which disables all plug-ins, it took a few more seconds than usual but it still crashed.
So I went hunting for answers again and found out that iTunes 11 or something is set to try to connect to this Apple cloud service, and if it can't then the program crashes.
...that's just genius Apple, total genius. Let's install a cloud service component across all platforms of one of our flagship pieces of software, and then have it break the program a few seconds after start up if it doesn't find anything to connect to.
GENIUS.
Disabled it and it's been running now for longer than 4 minuets so I think we're good.
Fucking genius though. xD
---
Chap came from the estate agents to take some photos of the flat, but it seems he took only a few; the kitchen, bathroom, main bedroom and the living room, none of which I occupy.
Not that my room didn't need cleaning, but that photographic event had nothing to do with me.
Whatever.
---
Not feeling quite as tired as I was and getting on with some writing. Changing gears to college work shortly.
--- // ---
Updated Codex Mundus, my games design thesis blog, with sections for the primer, part 1 and part 2.
I like it so far. Pure information. Just got to do some programming now to update the blog side, but I got police college work to take care of and I'm hungry now [19:40] so I'm gonna go get some foods.
---
Feel like I've been on edge for several days now. Ever since last weekend. It was a rough weekend. Big panic and now ease of life. That's what I think it is.
Well, I say ease. Just spent several minuets wondering if my moving out is going to go smoothly. Despite not paying my rent in a timely fashion I'm wondering if I'm going to have enough to get new acom and eat reasonably over the next two weeks.
The answer is to keep going until I hit a wall, and then try to plow through it.
Getting food and then, taking a nap maybe or something cus I'm really damn tired.
--- // ---
Yeah, that's about it for today I think. Going to bed early at 10pm.
Didn't do any college work today [whoops]. Must get on with it tomorrow.
--- // ---
Around 10am right now, just woke up, checked my email from the manager of my certificate in basic policing course, and he told me I aced [scored 100%] on my Week 5 exam. xD
That's amazing. I had the flu, had been awake since 1am, tail end of the weekend from hell, and yet I was still able to roll up in that class and word vomit out all the answers to a freaking exam.
On the one hand, I wanted to die and left the class early and barely made it home to bed before passing out. And on the other hand, I aced an exam in the middle of it when I nearly fell asleep on the desk three or four times that day.
There are distinct advantages to being an abused genius, not least that my brain is GENIUS BRAIN and still operates rather well despite being the universe's favorite chew toy. xD
Not bad.
I am going to get to college this weekend on a full nights sleep, solid revision and well fed before my next two exams. Highly confident [he says this now and JINXES it] that the next two will be no problem.
Good morning. ^-^
---
...Good grief, some people need a grow a sense of the dramatic. xD
Said to my course tutor, 'I can't believe I passed that with 100%, that weekend was a nightmare' in an email, and he replied back with 'I have double checked the results [totally deadpan] and it is 100%'...awesome...thanks...didn't mean you to do that you piece of bloody cardboard, THANKS THOUGH. xD
Taking enjoyment in your work, being casual, playing along, to me it's what makes doing anything worth doing it, but with some people they just can't see the rub.
--- // ---
Now around 12:30, just got dressed and about to clean my abode some before a photographer comes by after 4 tonight to take pictures for the estate agents.
Bit unsure what they're going to make of the fact that I've covered the vent in my room with duck tape after it grew these tendrils of dust or something and I didn't want to be breathing whatever it was spewing into my room. On the other hand though it's the landlady's issue and not mine. By law it's her responsibility to look after those types of things. I've not directly damaged the walls, the mold got there by itself by the properties design, so I've got nothing to worry about in terms of repairs.
---
In passing I emailed my college to see if my 24+ Student Loan has gone through to pay for my Certificate in Basic Policing course.
It hasn't.
Applied for it more than twelve weeks ago, missed section 4.1.1 and 4.1.2 [why yes, I have memorized the fucking numbers thank you so very much], and ever since they've refused to process it.
I've phoned them, Student Finance England, and had them confirm my identity and ask them why it hasn't been processed. Then when they said it was because they hadn't confirmed if I was in arrears with my full time student loan [section 4, two boxes] I said I didn't think so and asked them to check their systems. They did and confirmed that I wasn't, but said they needed it in writing. So I sent them a letter with the information in it with my signature. I filed a complaint when they still failed to process it via email and the complaints department at SFE checked with the 24+ Student Loan department and they confirmed I was allowed it, but they needed the actual form. So I sent them the actual form. Just after I sent it, a letter arrived titled 'We Need More Information From You'. I had just sent them the actual form so I decided to let that stand for my reply. More than two weeks later, now, I check and they still haven't fucking processed it. So tomorrow I need to fill out this fucking letter form and try again.
Just asked them to pass my complaint to the independent assessors, which is stage 2 of their complaints procedure [customer service, complaints department, independent assessors] to see if they will process it.
After that, we're onto the lawyers.
God dam it, I swear no one else has to go through this ridiculous shit but me.
---
I still can't fucking believe I passed that exam. xD
I was just so fucked up that weekend, what with the flu and the sleeplessness and everything.
Epic.
--- // ---
Cleaned up. Did washing up. Had foods. Very full. More cleaning. College work.
--- // ---
I've taken about 9 caffeine pills in the last 3 hours, and still feel tired. And each one is worth about 2 large cans of Red Bull...I think I have a fucking epic level of immunity to my favourite stimulant.
--- // ---
North Korea threatens war on US over Kim Jong-un Movie
- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-28014069
The biggest joke of a nation on Earth, North Korea, decided that a movie about assassinating their tyrant made by the biggest sartorial nation on earth [in the sense of having the sense of humor of five year old boys], the US, is an act of terrorism.
Do these human beings know that the rest of the world thinks their government is hair-on-fire crazy?
I mean, it's one thing to hate the US and Americans in general and it's one thing to find something offensive and say so, but when you can barely feed your own population and can't invade the South end of Korea when you're the North, it's not a show of good form to threaten a world super-power with war.
Jus sayin.
Mad.
---
Cleaned the dust up, tried to extract as much mottled dust from the interior of my PC as possible, and now watching Californication and cleaning my bedside table.
Still really tired for some reason, but doing college work after this.
--- // ---
Got tired of not being able to use iTunes which has all my music on it when I wanted to listen to my Linkin Park albums with an equalizer applied for rock [everything from music to audiobooks sounds better with it enabled] so finally checked into why the program was crashing a few seconds after launch.
First I thought it was a plug-in from Last.FM called Scrobbler, which is designed to categorize what you listen to and then make recommendations on new music. But after running it in safe-mode which disables all plug-ins, it took a few more seconds than usual but it still crashed.
So I went hunting for answers again and found out that iTunes 11 or something is set to try to connect to this Apple cloud service, and if it can't then the program crashes.
...that's just genius Apple, total genius. Let's install a cloud service component across all platforms of one of our flagship pieces of software, and then have it break the program a few seconds after start up if it doesn't find anything to connect to.
GENIUS.
Disabled it and it's been running now for longer than 4 minuets so I think we're good.
Fucking genius though. xD
---
Chap came from the estate agents to take some photos of the flat, but it seems he took only a few; the kitchen, bathroom, main bedroom and the living room, none of which I occupy.
Not that my room didn't need cleaning, but that photographic event had nothing to do with me.
Whatever.
---
Not feeling quite as tired as I was and getting on with some writing. Changing gears to college work shortly.
--- // ---
Updated Codex Mundus, my games design thesis blog, with sections for the primer, part 1 and part 2.
I like it so far. Pure information. Just got to do some programming now to update the blog side, but I got police college work to take care of and I'm hungry now [19:40] so I'm gonna go get some foods.
---
Feel like I've been on edge for several days now. Ever since last weekend. It was a rough weekend. Big panic and now ease of life. That's what I think it is.
Well, I say ease. Just spent several minuets wondering if my moving out is going to go smoothly. Despite not paying my rent in a timely fashion I'm wondering if I'm going to have enough to get new acom and eat reasonably over the next two weeks.
The answer is to keep going until I hit a wall, and then try to plow through it.
Getting food and then, taking a nap maybe or something cus I'm really damn tired.
--- // ---
Yeah, that's about it for today I think. Going to bed early at 10pm.
Didn't do any college work today [whoops]. Must get on with it tomorrow.
13/06/2014
On ELO Hell...
Hai. Not a happy temporary resident of a tent at the moment. >:|
Went running last night, did one lap of stage one of my two hour running route, of which contains three stages, and then spent half an hour barely able to breath.
Once I could walk I went to the hypermarket and got some liquid mucus cough meds and drank about half bottle [so against the label but I'm built like a jungle ape and have a slow metabolism so taking more than recommend dose is recommend for me] by sipping every time I needed to cough or couldn't breath normally.
This resulted in it clearly enough for me to do two more laps of the course. Go in, showered, slept, and now my sinuses have thick [sorry] yellow mucus in them, which I'm assuming is the corpse of the growing strep that suddenly found itself bathed in poison last night.
Woke up, decided to give running a miss tonight, and played some Hearthstone to wake up.
---
I just don't understand that game. You build a deck, you find it works, win four or five matches, and then it stops working and you drop to the bottom of the table again. So you try another champion, Druid instead of Rogue, and the same thing happens again.
Mostly I lose because either I have a bad hand [sheer luck factor] or someone pulls out cards which are a] expensive/rare [like the dragon edged boss cards] and b] have this OP ability [the freaking priest champion, in 3 moves in the late game, can make a minion with 15/15 in 3 cards, including summoning the fucking minion, I mean how do you fucking fight that?].
---
I don't know...
You play League of Legends, and you encounter ELO Hell whereby the system puts you with idiot allies who can't possibly fight your opposition. You score 10-15/0-5/whatever assists every match outside ranked, but go into ranked and you lose because of your allies feeding the enemy and dragging you down.
So despite your skill and knowledge of that game, you leave because it's rigged and biased so you lose and can't possibly reach the higher ranked leagues. You could if the game, most sensibly, took YOUR own performance into account when ranking, so regardless of your allies you yourself would still be marked on your own ability, but it doesn't.
I mean, imagine taking an exam where the nearest four people to you in the hall's marks were added to yours and you were given the average of that. You know the material and they don't, so you end up in the 'special' class and can't leave because you're surrounded by idiots. That's how I feel playing League of Legends.
So you go to play Hearthstone on the basis that it's single player so there's only your own ability taken into consideration in ranked. But here you encounter a randomized system with a edge of power-for-pounds, the UK version [the two P's make for eloquent pronunciation] of 'spend cash to be more powerful than other equally or greater skilled enemies'.
Personally I'm of the point of view that both games are rigged, only Hearthstone is a tad more obvious about it's biased game maniacs as if you spend money you can afford more powerful cards.
---
Consider this:
Both LoL and Hearthstone are free-to-play computer games. This means that they don't ask players to spend money to gain access to the gameplay. Instead they give you access to the game's content, for free, but you have the option to pay for customization or unlock devices which expand the content gained by playing the game itself.
In LoL's case customization comes in the form of champion skins so you can make your favorite champions your own. Unlock is then provided in the form of Riot Points which allows access to other champions not on the free roster [the free set consists of two handfuls of weekly rotating champions, and then you can pay either money or RP to unlock new ones quickly or slowly respectively]
And in Hearthstone additional cards can be acquired at a faster rate than what you can gain by playing the game itself and earning gold to buy packs if you spend money. This is indicative of power-for-pounds because those who spend money have a stronger deck than those who don't.
Now, you own the studios behind these games and you want people to pay money for the game and you can achieve this in two ways.
The first and public way is 'Optionally'. This is where you tell people the precise mechanics of the system. Play the game to unlock content. You can unlock content faster and customize your version of the game by spending money. People play the game, become invested, and then spend money of their own free will.
The second and secret way is 'ELO Hell' or 'Rank Bias Failure'. This is where the unranked modes are fare and set up so people of equal skill fight on even footing. However, the ranked modes are designed so that anyone who has not spent money on the game is allied with noobs so despite their own ability, they cannot win matches.
But surely your playerbase would notice this? You'd have a lot of players who play the game for the game for ages and don't care about customization or quick unlocks, or can't afford them, who find that no matter what they score outside of ranked, they can't rank up because their allies all feed 0/10 in minuets and drag them down.
Well this is precisely what Riot Game's have. A large quantity of their playerbase complaining about ELO Hell.
So what do you do about this so the facts of the matter don't make your company seem like a right bunch of assholes?
Well two things:
Firstly, you swear blind, black and blue that ELO Hell is a physiological perception issue, negativity bias, that the players only think it's their allies and is in fact they themselves who are not as good at the game as they believe themselves to be.
And secondly, and concurrently, you play on the fact that this is a partial truth. There are plenty of players who, because of their own personality flaws, will either confirm Riot's statement on the matter [surely it's other people's ineptitude because Riot Game's is the god-king of the universe and other people are garbage] or will play badly and then blame others for their own personal failure [because if there's one thing the average human hates, it's taking responsibility for failure, it's a survival reflex].
Personally, as usual, I discount anything anyone says and just test to see what happens.
I can't be asked right now to go rummaging through my image folders, though I will post this in 'On Games...' at some point, but I've played matches in non-ranked and then played ranked, and found that whilst non-ranked is with fairly good allies, ranked is almost terminally with abject noobs.
Additionally there's this:
On LoLKing they have access to feeds from player accounts which show ranked histories, what champions you were playing, your current rune pages, etc.
And what I noticed there was that when I first started playing the ranked mode of LoL, having a really good go to get to Challenger mode, I discovered that my progression through ranked went diagonally up. OK, I lost a few matches, no one's perfect, but on the whole I was rising steadily. Then my score dropped like a stone as ELO Hell took effect and booted me down two or three divisions.
This happened a couple more times before I gave up.
---
In my own mind I know ELO Hell exists. It might be speculative to suggest that it's tied to how much money you've dropped on the game, but there's a definite biased to ensure that certain highly skilled players are not placed with equally skilled allies and against equally skilled enemies.
Riot Game's denies it, the majority of their playerbase is with them, and no one gives a flying fuck to anything about it. Developers still takes home profits, players still enjoy the game, and who cares if a minority are ignored and treated unfairly. It doesn't concern those who rigged the game in the first place.
---
Hearthstone may have sometime similar in it's design, although it's easier, as I've said, to spot. There's no way you can break out of the lowest ranked division [lv20-21] without dropping some serious cash on higher tier cards. The Dragon/Boss cards are just way too powerful [and can't realistically be earned by playing], and the lower level higher utility cards [which I admit you can gain fairly easily by simply playing and earning gold to pay for packs] in abundance can smash any lower tier deck.
---
In my professional opinion, both games are at least definitely 'Probably' rigged so those who spend money on them are 'Permitted' to rank up.
These games might be free-to-play, but skill is no where near enough to be crowned monarch of the playerbase. As with most things in this world, quality of character isn't enough to jack unless society has decided to give you great riches to go with it.
---
Alright, I've not had breakfast or anything to eat since yesterday afternoon and it's not gone 3pm so shower...Lunner [Lunch/Dinner, lol], and then college work until snooze.
---
Got two and a half days to get through one and half weeks because I need to switch to exam revision on Monday - Thursday for an exam Saturday [got my Day 2 interview on teh Friday at the police recruitment center so].
That's not as impossible as it sounds, doing a weeks worth of work in a day or two.
Each college 'Week' takes place every two weeks in an eight hour session with eight hours of homework, and is easily doable in a day or two.
Although really what my tutor does, because he's a bloody pillock, in 'Class' is simply repeat what the homework states in text. I don't know why I go to them to be honest. Spending eight hours reading and answering online quizzes would be a better use of my time.
When I mentioned this to him he said that 'you wouldn't be able to have the homework set in a proper context'...I have an IQ of a couple of hundred points, more or less, I probably understand and could document this content in greater context than you have you fucking asshat, was my mental reply.
I think the guy has the intellectual capacity of a turnip, and got his rank based on rigid observation of protocol. He sure as hell didn't get there by intellectually adaptive, imaginative and naturally curious like me.
Dam silly nonsense, the lot of it.
---
Anyway, I's need's food's. :O <---
Bai.
Went running last night, did one lap of stage one of my two hour running route, of which contains three stages, and then spent half an hour barely able to breath.
Once I could walk I went to the hypermarket and got some liquid mucus cough meds and drank about half bottle [so against the label but I'm built like a jungle ape and have a slow metabolism so taking more than recommend dose is recommend for me] by sipping every time I needed to cough or couldn't breath normally.
This resulted in it clearly enough for me to do two more laps of the course. Go in, showered, slept, and now my sinuses have thick [sorry] yellow mucus in them, which I'm assuming is the corpse of the growing strep that suddenly found itself bathed in poison last night.
Woke up, decided to give running a miss tonight, and played some Hearthstone to wake up.
---
I just don't understand that game. You build a deck, you find it works, win four or five matches, and then it stops working and you drop to the bottom of the table again. So you try another champion, Druid instead of Rogue, and the same thing happens again.
Mostly I lose because either I have a bad hand [sheer luck factor] or someone pulls out cards which are a] expensive/rare [like the dragon edged boss cards] and b] have this OP ability [the freaking priest champion, in 3 moves in the late game, can make a minion with 15/15 in 3 cards, including summoning the fucking minion, I mean how do you fucking fight that?].
---
I don't know...
You play League of Legends, and you encounter ELO Hell whereby the system puts you with idiot allies who can't possibly fight your opposition. You score 10-15/0-5/whatever assists every match outside ranked, but go into ranked and you lose because of your allies feeding the enemy and dragging you down.
So despite your skill and knowledge of that game, you leave because it's rigged and biased so you lose and can't possibly reach the higher ranked leagues. You could if the game, most sensibly, took YOUR own performance into account when ranking, so regardless of your allies you yourself would still be marked on your own ability, but it doesn't.
I mean, imagine taking an exam where the nearest four people to you in the hall's marks were added to yours and you were given the average of that. You know the material and they don't, so you end up in the 'special' class and can't leave because you're surrounded by idiots. That's how I feel playing League of Legends.
So you go to play Hearthstone on the basis that it's single player so there's only your own ability taken into consideration in ranked. But here you encounter a randomized system with a edge of power-for-pounds, the UK version [the two P's make for eloquent pronunciation] of 'spend cash to be more powerful than other equally or greater skilled enemies'.
Personally I'm of the point of view that both games are rigged, only Hearthstone is a tad more obvious about it's biased game maniacs as if you spend money you can afford more powerful cards.
---
Consider this:
Both LoL and Hearthstone are free-to-play computer games. This means that they don't ask players to spend money to gain access to the gameplay. Instead they give you access to the game's content, for free, but you have the option to pay for customization or unlock devices which expand the content gained by playing the game itself.
In LoL's case customization comes in the form of champion skins so you can make your favorite champions your own. Unlock is then provided in the form of Riot Points which allows access to other champions not on the free roster [the free set consists of two handfuls of weekly rotating champions, and then you can pay either money or RP to unlock new ones quickly or slowly respectively]
And in Hearthstone additional cards can be acquired at a faster rate than what you can gain by playing the game itself and earning gold to buy packs if you spend money. This is indicative of power-for-pounds because those who spend money have a stronger deck than those who don't.
Now, you own the studios behind these games and you want people to pay money for the game and you can achieve this in two ways.
The first and public way is 'Optionally'. This is where you tell people the precise mechanics of the system. Play the game to unlock content. You can unlock content faster and customize your version of the game by spending money. People play the game, become invested, and then spend money of their own free will.
The second and secret way is 'ELO Hell' or 'Rank Bias Failure'. This is where the unranked modes are fare and set up so people of equal skill fight on even footing. However, the ranked modes are designed so that anyone who has not spent money on the game is allied with noobs so despite their own ability, they cannot win matches.
But surely your playerbase would notice this? You'd have a lot of players who play the game for the game for ages and don't care about customization or quick unlocks, or can't afford them, who find that no matter what they score outside of ranked, they can't rank up because their allies all feed 0/10 in minuets and drag them down.
Well this is precisely what Riot Game's have. A large quantity of their playerbase complaining about ELO Hell.
So what do you do about this so the facts of the matter don't make your company seem like a right bunch of assholes?
Well two things:
Firstly, you swear blind, black and blue that ELO Hell is a physiological perception issue, negativity bias, that the players only think it's their allies and is in fact they themselves who are not as good at the game as they believe themselves to be.
And secondly, and concurrently, you play on the fact that this is a partial truth. There are plenty of players who, because of their own personality flaws, will either confirm Riot's statement on the matter [surely it's other people's ineptitude because Riot Game's is the god-king of the universe and other people are garbage] or will play badly and then blame others for their own personal failure [because if there's one thing the average human hates, it's taking responsibility for failure, it's a survival reflex].
Personally, as usual, I discount anything anyone says and just test to see what happens.
I can't be asked right now to go rummaging through my image folders, though I will post this in 'On Games...' at some point, but I've played matches in non-ranked and then played ranked, and found that whilst non-ranked is with fairly good allies, ranked is almost terminally with abject noobs.
Additionally there's this:
On LoLKing they have access to feeds from player accounts which show ranked histories, what champions you were playing, your current rune pages, etc.
And what I noticed there was that when I first started playing the ranked mode of LoL, having a really good go to get to Challenger mode, I discovered that my progression through ranked went diagonally up. OK, I lost a few matches, no one's perfect, but on the whole I was rising steadily. Then my score dropped like a stone as ELO Hell took effect and booted me down two or three divisions.
This happened a couple more times before I gave up.
---
In my own mind I know ELO Hell exists. It might be speculative to suggest that it's tied to how much money you've dropped on the game, but there's a definite biased to ensure that certain highly skilled players are not placed with equally skilled allies and against equally skilled enemies.
Riot Game's denies it, the majority of their playerbase is with them, and no one gives a flying fuck to anything about it. Developers still takes home profits, players still enjoy the game, and who cares if a minority are ignored and treated unfairly. It doesn't concern those who rigged the game in the first place.
---
Hearthstone may have sometime similar in it's design, although it's easier, as I've said, to spot. There's no way you can break out of the lowest ranked division [lv20-21] without dropping some serious cash on higher tier cards. The Dragon/Boss cards are just way too powerful [and can't realistically be earned by playing], and the lower level higher utility cards [which I admit you can gain fairly easily by simply playing and earning gold to pay for packs] in abundance can smash any lower tier deck.
---
In my professional opinion, both games are at least definitely 'Probably' rigged so those who spend money on them are 'Permitted' to rank up.
These games might be free-to-play, but skill is no where near enough to be crowned monarch of the playerbase. As with most things in this world, quality of character isn't enough to jack unless society has decided to give you great riches to go with it.
---
Alright, I've not had breakfast or anything to eat since yesterday afternoon and it's not gone 3pm so shower...Lunner [Lunch/Dinner, lol], and then college work until snooze.
---
Got two and a half days to get through one and half weeks because I need to switch to exam revision on Monday - Thursday for an exam Saturday [got my Day 2 interview on teh Friday at the police recruitment center so].
That's not as impossible as it sounds, doing a weeks worth of work in a day or two.
Each college 'Week' takes place every two weeks in an eight hour session with eight hours of homework, and is easily doable in a day or two.
Although really what my tutor does, because he's a bloody pillock, in 'Class' is simply repeat what the homework states in text. I don't know why I go to them to be honest. Spending eight hours reading and answering online quizzes would be a better use of my time.
When I mentioned this to him he said that 'you wouldn't be able to have the homework set in a proper context'...I have an IQ of a couple of hundred points, more or less, I probably understand and could document this content in greater context than you have you fucking asshat, was my mental reply.
I think the guy has the intellectual capacity of a turnip, and got his rank based on rigid observation of protocol. He sure as hell didn't get there by intellectually adaptive, imaginative and naturally curious like me.
I have this thing with people, like a mental perception memory link where I link people with animals. It's one of the issues, if it is an issue, with being a genius who makes connections between packets of data whether or not they want to.
Sometimes I think of someone and instead of their face I get another image, like you look up someone in a computer database and you get the name and information but you get this picture as their avatar and it's an animal or object instead of them. They are in there, but so is this 'Thing' as well. I mean, I know the thing isn't them, it's just related to them in some way, shape or form.
This one guy from YouTube strikes me as bear like for example. It's like metaphor only it's my perceptions doing it automatically.
And my course tutor for my policing certification course, he's a pig. It's not an insult, it's not a descriptive phrase, it's just my brain looks at him and a couple of neurons are saying 'this chap, in another life, could've been a pig with a curly tail and trotters, and he's the mental image to go with it'.
My personal universe is a very strange place, or would be if I had any other to compare it with, but I hardly think that's bloody normally, anyway...Can't skip the college class sessions though because otherwise I'd miss the written exams, in themselves a load of fucking nonsense as the 'Exams' consist of a test of half a dozen questions, which you're given access to from Week 1. Essentially all you need do is formulate your answer before hand from your notes, online handouts and text book, memorize it, and then write it down during the one hour 'Exam'.
Dam silly nonsense, the lot of it.
---
Anyway, I's need's food's. :O <---
Bai.
10/06/2014
On Minds...
Sup, it's 00:44 Tuesday, I've just finished running, and thought of a couple of things I wanted to blog about so I'm taking care of Tuesday's post now.
---
Firstly, yup, went running.
Ten minuets in I could barely draw breath. It wasn't gradual either. Runni-jogging, jogging just fine and then it was like trying to breath through glue in all of thirty seconds. Walked for 20-30 minuets and got to the Hospital ER, which is on my longer running route anyway, and tried to see a doctor. 40 minuets or so later and I was breathing normally at rest. It's like cold activated pneumonia, if pneumonia is what I think it is and is fluid in your lungs as a response to cold.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pneumonia/pages/introduction.aspx
...In fact, if I'm reading this right, I've had pneumonia caused by a streptococcus infection.
Go running in the cold night air, generate lactic acid, this causes me to get low grade pneumonia, which I fight against as I do with strained muscles. The strep fed off the lactic acid and infected my bronchial tubes, giving me a wicked cold for a few days and then settling down into bad tasting coughs. I haven't been eating and sleeping right and stopped running, so I've not had the white blood cells to kill it. After I killed the bacteria with a better diet and the new meds I've just started taking, the cold air tonight just made the pneumonia flare up which made me choke for half an hour tonight.
Bad diet, lack of sleep, dust in my room, running in the cold, and not taking meds which attacked the bacteria in my lungs. That's why I've been low grade ill for a good two months.
Idiot. I should notice this shit by now. I'm meant to be intelligent. Keep taking Benylin, eat more, sleep at night, run to invigorate my blood's resistances and I should be fine. Dumb ass.
ALSO: Maybe get a flu shot from now on designed to resist strep. I don't want this happening again.
---
OK, secondly, when I was in the Hospital ER a girl came in from a car crash badly shaken up.
There were two things about this for me personally.
The first was good; empathy. I wanted to help her and felt sorry for her on reflex. I know about bad injuries.
I've cracked my skull open in two places at the same time, shredded my left bicep, damaged my knee caps, and shattered my left wrist in my time, plus broken both my legs in my teens [not at the same time], and crushed both my toe nails.
These days a car crash would've been an invigorating experience for me instead of requiring therapy like that girl will probably need.
Advised her to put her head down when she said she felt dizzy to help clear it, but that's all I could do for her.
I think if I can respond to road traffic accidents with the same need to help and care about the victims in the same way but actually be able to be the first response assistance and do some real good, I should do just fine as a copper.
The second though was...I don't know what to make of the second to be honest. The girl was young and attractive. And lately I've been rather interested in others.
Fun fact, I'm bisexual, which basically means an attractive girl or guy is perfectly acceptable as a sexual partner. Not that I've ever had any you understand.
People with my intellect find it hard to relate to others, and people with my background of social abuse find it hard to like and trust others. Empathy, care, consideration for others, those are reflexive, but for me, I need to feel something for someone else before I could let them touch me and touch them back.
And the combination of feeling something for someone and actually liking and trusting them and getting the same in return has just never happened for me. I don't expect it to really, but that doesn't stop your automatic urges from kicking in when you see something that makes you horny.
She, the girl in shock, was attractive and needy and just a part of me was thinking 'help, protect, gain trust of, fuck and make babies'. I've had girls present themselves naked to me and try to get in my pants before and that's the same voice I heard and ignored then, but it's slightly disgusting that it activated in response to a girl in shock after a car crash.
Cave man at heart I might be, protect the young and the womenfolk I might believe in at my core, but ye gods, time and a place.
Last Saturday on the way to college for example, hot girl with big melons rushes giggling by me, I stared openly and made her blush [don't like it, wear a sweater or something lady], but in an ER like that, down boy, seriously, down.
I like Mr. Brain who replied with 'Oh that poor young girl, we must do what we can to ease her suffering'. The part that wanted to assist so we could get in her pants, not so much really.
Yes, dear reader, I am that honest. I know what is and what isn't and what the difference is, as that's all that counts at the end of everything, knowing.
I know what I am, and because of this I'm better than other people who do what they do because they don't think they have a choice. There's always a choice. Even if the only thing you want in the whole world is to do this thing right now, you can choose not to. You don't have to do anything, or not do anything. But only those who realise they have an option can take it. And I do.
---
Getting tired now so I'll wrap this up with this: gotten to the terrorism section of my certificate in basic policing college course, and suicide bombers are hair on fire raving madmen.
'How beautiful it is to kill and to be killed...for the lives of the coming generations'.
- Mohammed Al-Ghoul, June 18th 2002
How freaky insane do you have to be to believe that?
Destruction of any kind is a failure. Yours because you failed the humanity test and shamed your species by destroying the effort of labor of your peers. And someone else for never teaching you that to destroy the work of anyone is a corruption of the very principle that makes you a human being.
We are a tool using species, creators one and all, and if you use this gift of intelligence to burn the world then it only goes to show that you're a monster, worse than animal who doesn't know any better and still doesn't actively hunt and kill it's own species for an imaginary friend.
If there is a God, Allah or anyone beyond the veil responsible for this mess, I hope that He patiently teaches these creatures why what they did was such a betrayal of their own existence.
If not...well, that explains why it happened in the first place really.
---
Gods dam it, YES, also worked out emergency accommodation for when I move out of my current residence if I can't find anywhere else to live.
I stayed in a hostel a few years ago for more than a year. Low cost, weekly rent, good location, in the same borough I'm in right now.
Since I stayed there last they dropped their rent by about 20 a week whilst only renting beds for weeks at a go too. Move in and stay there pro tem until I find another privately rented room to transfer to.
At around 3/5ths what I'm currently paying in rent I'll have extra money for travel and that too so no worries.
Focus on getting my college work done and I shouldn't have any issues with the exam. Pass that and my Day 2 whilst staying in this inn of sorts and become a police constable on full time pay.
Those are the main things: somewhere to sleep and employment.
---
ALRIGHT, DONE, FINISHED, going to sleep.
Doing college work tomorrow, collecting papers and forms on Wednesday whilst checking in with the job center and cancelling that fucking Tribunal and making arrangements to repay housing benefit I was entitled to.
Thursday > Sunday focus on getting my college work done.
Monday get stuff into storage via taxi that I don't need in the Inn. Then college work, including exam revision until the 20th when I have my Day 2, and the 21st when I have my week 5 exam.
Somewhere in all of that try to find new acom and move out before the 20th for preference.
I might actually be able to sort this fucking mess out actually...
GG then.
---
Firstly, yup, went running.
Ten minuets in I could barely draw breath. It wasn't gradual either. Runni-jogging, jogging just fine and then it was like trying to breath through glue in all of thirty seconds. Walked for 20-30 minuets and got to the Hospital ER, which is on my longer running route anyway, and tried to see a doctor. 40 minuets or so later and I was breathing normally at rest. It's like cold activated pneumonia, if pneumonia is what I think it is and is fluid in your lungs as a response to cold.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pneumonia/pages/introduction.aspx
...In fact, if I'm reading this right, I've had pneumonia caused by a streptococcus infection.
Go running in the cold night air, generate lactic acid, this causes me to get low grade pneumonia, which I fight against as I do with strained muscles. The strep fed off the lactic acid and infected my bronchial tubes, giving me a wicked cold for a few days and then settling down into bad tasting coughs. I haven't been eating and sleeping right and stopped running, so I've not had the white blood cells to kill it. After I killed the bacteria with a better diet and the new meds I've just started taking, the cold air tonight just made the pneumonia flare up which made me choke for half an hour tonight.
Bad diet, lack of sleep, dust in my room, running in the cold, and not taking meds which attacked the bacteria in my lungs. That's why I've been low grade ill for a good two months.
Idiot. I should notice this shit by now. I'm meant to be intelligent. Keep taking Benylin, eat more, sleep at night, run to invigorate my blood's resistances and I should be fine. Dumb ass.
ALSO: Maybe get a flu shot from now on designed to resist strep. I don't want this happening again.
---
OK, secondly, when I was in the Hospital ER a girl came in from a car crash badly shaken up.
There were two things about this for me personally.
The first was good; empathy. I wanted to help her and felt sorry for her on reflex. I know about bad injuries.
I've cracked my skull open in two places at the same time, shredded my left bicep, damaged my knee caps, and shattered my left wrist in my time, plus broken both my legs in my teens [not at the same time], and crushed both my toe nails.
These days a car crash would've been an invigorating experience for me instead of requiring therapy like that girl will probably need.
Advised her to put her head down when she said she felt dizzy to help clear it, but that's all I could do for her.
I think if I can respond to road traffic accidents with the same need to help and care about the victims in the same way but actually be able to be the first response assistance and do some real good, I should do just fine as a copper.
The second though was...I don't know what to make of the second to be honest. The girl was young and attractive. And lately I've been rather interested in others.
Fun fact, I'm bisexual, which basically means an attractive girl or guy is perfectly acceptable as a sexual partner. Not that I've ever had any you understand.
People with my intellect find it hard to relate to others, and people with my background of social abuse find it hard to like and trust others. Empathy, care, consideration for others, those are reflexive, but for me, I need to feel something for someone else before I could let them touch me and touch them back.
And the combination of feeling something for someone and actually liking and trusting them and getting the same in return has just never happened for me. I don't expect it to really, but that doesn't stop your automatic urges from kicking in when you see something that makes you horny.
She, the girl in shock, was attractive and needy and just a part of me was thinking 'help, protect, gain trust of, fuck and make babies'. I've had girls present themselves naked to me and try to get in my pants before and that's the same voice I heard and ignored then, but it's slightly disgusting that it activated in response to a girl in shock after a car crash.
Cave man at heart I might be, protect the young and the womenfolk I might believe in at my core, but ye gods, time and a place.
Last Saturday on the way to college for example, hot girl with big melons rushes giggling by me, I stared openly and made her blush [don't like it, wear a sweater or something lady], but in an ER like that, down boy, seriously, down.
I like Mr. Brain who replied with 'Oh that poor young girl, we must do what we can to ease her suffering'. The part that wanted to assist so we could get in her pants, not so much really.
Yes, dear reader, I am that honest. I know what is and what isn't and what the difference is, as that's all that counts at the end of everything, knowing.
I know what I am, and because of this I'm better than other people who do what they do because they don't think they have a choice. There's always a choice. Even if the only thing you want in the whole world is to do this thing right now, you can choose not to. You don't have to do anything, or not do anything. But only those who realise they have an option can take it. And I do.
---
Getting tired now so I'll wrap this up with this: gotten to the terrorism section of my certificate in basic policing college course, and suicide bombers are hair on fire raving madmen.
'How beautiful it is to kill and to be killed...for the lives of the coming generations'.
- Mohammed Al-Ghoul, June 18th 2002
How freaky insane do you have to be to believe that?
Destruction of any kind is a failure. Yours because you failed the humanity test and shamed your species by destroying the effort of labor of your peers. And someone else for never teaching you that to destroy the work of anyone is a corruption of the very principle that makes you a human being.
We are a tool using species, creators one and all, and if you use this gift of intelligence to burn the world then it only goes to show that you're a monster, worse than animal who doesn't know any better and still doesn't actively hunt and kill it's own species for an imaginary friend.
If there is a God, Allah or anyone beyond the veil responsible for this mess, I hope that He patiently teaches these creatures why what they did was such a betrayal of their own existence.
If not...well, that explains why it happened in the first place really.
---
Gods dam it, YES, also worked out emergency accommodation for when I move out of my current residence if I can't find anywhere else to live.
I stayed in a hostel a few years ago for more than a year. Low cost, weekly rent, good location, in the same borough I'm in right now.
Since I stayed there last they dropped their rent by about 20 a week whilst only renting beds for weeks at a go too. Move in and stay there pro tem until I find another privately rented room to transfer to.
At around 3/5ths what I'm currently paying in rent I'll have extra money for travel and that too so no worries.
Focus on getting my college work done and I shouldn't have any issues with the exam. Pass that and my Day 2 whilst staying in this inn of sorts and become a police constable on full time pay.
Those are the main things: somewhere to sleep and employment.
---
ALRIGHT, DONE, FINISHED, going to sleep.
Doing college work tomorrow, collecting papers and forms on Wednesday whilst checking in with the job center and cancelling that fucking Tribunal and making arrangements to repay housing benefit I was entitled to.
Thursday > Sunday focus on getting my college work done.
Monday get stuff into storage via taxi that I don't need in the Inn. Then college work, including exam revision until the 20th when I have my Day 2, and the 21st when I have my week 5 exam.
Somewhere in all of that try to find new acom and move out before the 20th for preference.
I might actually be able to sort this fucking mess out actually...
GG then.
04/06/2014
On Accommodation...
Mornink.
Did a lot of spade work yesterday and decided that being a bastard is sometimes required when the world tries to fuck you in the ass.
Basically I've stopped paying my rent here so in two weeks I can use the erstwhile rent money to pay for a deposit and rent up front on a new room.
The bonus is that firstly I'll have plenty of time to find somewhere new to stay and can move out easily before the deadline of early next month.
The bastard part is that once I've left, there's no way for my former landlady to reclaim said money so I don't intend to pay rent for this entire month.
I don't like being an asshole but both my landlady and her husband are employed, whereas I can't get hired to pack boxes in a factory ['bloody foreigners, coming over here, taking our jobs', racist meme or evidential truth as they're both Lithuanian], and besides, they can wait to be paid back rent [even though I have no intention of doing so] whereas my new landlord or lady will need paying upfront.
I loved staying where I am present. They were good enough people [except for their screaming little demon of a child] and the best leasers I've met since moving into London several years ago.
---
My first three years, I think it was [I've never been good at keeping track of my own history, being more concerned with the present than the past, after all, the present is what is currently biting my ass], were spent in hostels, living alongside teenage travelers, who had zero respect for other people, and horrible human beings more like animals like sapient creatures.
Got offered sex by naked women several times [though I didn't accept because I wasn't attracted to them mentally, although physically the word 'supermodel' was tossed around quite easily], and bullied once or twice, which I dealt with easily as I've been bullied a lot in my life anyway.
Biggest issue there was bed availability. They don't let you just book a bed and it's yours. You to book almost daily, and if they're fully booked, you're boned, so for three years or so, sometimes I didn't have a bed to sleep in at night.
---
After that I stayed with a Puerto Rican...maybe...who was a giant asshole with no kidneys that kept nagging me about nothing and trying to evict me for bullshit reasons as a kind of hobby.
Eventually got evicted from the room in a large house I was renting after he invited a bunch of new housemates in and then went on holiday without leaving anyone to mind the property, despite having a daughter who could and eventually did do it.
I complained after a week of the mess and the noise from the brand new teenage tenants who were traveling from America, and how the boiler had broken and we were I was cleaning and everyone was showering in frigid water.
He ignored my texts and calls for more than a month until I managed to get hold of his daughter's email address and she managed to arrange for repairs.
After he returned he evicted me.
I cleaned the house up after the other residents. I got the boiler repaired. I made sure it was still standing and in reasonable condition for the time he was absent. And he booted me out for giving a shit about the place.
Some time later I got into an argument with the council over receiving housing benefit I wasn't entitled to even though I was. They contacted him as it was regarding my time spent living in his house. He lied to them about me actually being employed whilst living there and cheating the fucking government out of charity.
One court tribunal later, which he didn't attend, just gave them a written statement of his testimony after the tribunal was advised by a claim inspector to trust his assertions [you've no idea how badly I wanted to find the cretin who claimed that and break them in half], and I was able to prove that his allegations were a load of crap. He could've got me a criminal record and a jail time if they had believed him though.
There's a reason his kidney's failed people; the universe was trying to prevent him from blighting other people's lives. At least that's my theory.
[I said when I started writing this blog that I wasn't going to write about my horrible history. I just realized my actions are calling me a liar, but for crying out loud, when will the punishment stop?]
---
Then I stayed in an illegal sublet in a room in a two bed roomed flat, which was a] freezing cold [it was winter, snow on the pavement, and I didn't need to store things in the freezer], and b] had a gas heater in it which could've killed me in my sleep. Plus the rent was like fifty pounds over priced for the property.
It was illegal and overpriced because it was a council property rented to a tenant who sublet it, via her son, to my landlady who was also my flatmate. They would've been so epically boned if anyone found out. I've reported it since I left, because it's not right that someone should be making money off a council property like that, but I don't know if anyone has done anything about it.
Eventually I left that hellhole after three or four months because of a blow up argument with my sole flatmate over nothing very much, whereupon she turned into a psychotic bitch.
It's quite possible that I will never forget the argument we had over rent:
Whatever really, in the past, but that kind of bullshit gets on my nerves.
---
Then there was this place. My current landlady is nice and doesn't bother me at all. They're all Lithuanian like I said so they don't go out of their way to talk to me because they can hardly understand me [AND YET EMPLOYERS HIRE THEM...].
The room is a good size, the wifi is more or less always on, it's never cold, I pay a flat rate per week in rent which can be past due for a bit if required, the kitchen is spacious, I can use my flatmates knives and things, and never have to clean overmuch because there's four of them and they do it themselves.
Well, more or less. The kitchen is usually left in a clutter so I have to move things, but I do the same sometimes so that's OK. And their son never stops bloody screaming his dam head off, which is grossly annoying sometimes. But on the whole, this place was ideal.
But now I have to leave.
---
I can be a bit picky over my next place as I've got just over a month to inspect and interview and consider, whilst also having the budget [see above regarding not paying this months rent] to pay for a large deposit which really opens up the options when you're looking for accommodation that'll accept those on housing benefit.
Some people lament the effort it takes to get onto the housing ladder due to property prices.
Personally I'm just looking for four walls, a floor, a ceiling, a bed, wifi, a fridge, and a toilet, plus housemates that I don't fantasize about justifiably killing.
Alright, so there are also those who don't even have the money to live indoors, but I do so using perfectly available social security funds so I don't understand why people do live rough really.
---
My final thought for today is that I learned yesterday definitively that my mother is indeed dead because there was an ad about it in the town where she lived with my farther, brother and sister.
She was insane. Illogical. A hater of intelligence. A downer. Someone who would drag another person's moral and sense of self-worth down to her own level on instinct. A liar. Abusive. Chronically bloody ill. And probably responsible for how fucked up I am.
As a creator, not what I would've hoped for, in a mother.
Sir Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld fantasy series of books, wrote his deceased characters as being very clear minded. Dead, spirits, no longer able to interact with the living world, and soon transitioned into their afterlife, which is whatever they think will happen.
For my sake I hope that the former happened and she saw the damage she caused and could regret it, and feel remorse for it.
For hers, because I am a fundamentally good man, I hope that if there is a next world that she isn't driven anymore by whatever it was that caused her to act the way she did to me.
Never loved her, never even liked her, or respected her, or wished her anything but vengeance for what she did to me, which I got, and I'm not sorry.
But I can still hope for peace now I've settled the score.
Did a lot of spade work yesterday and decided that being a bastard is sometimes required when the world tries to fuck you in the ass.
Basically I've stopped paying my rent here so in two weeks I can use the erstwhile rent money to pay for a deposit and rent up front on a new room.
The bonus is that firstly I'll have plenty of time to find somewhere new to stay and can move out easily before the deadline of early next month.
The bastard part is that once I've left, there's no way for my former landlady to reclaim said money so I don't intend to pay rent for this entire month.
I don't like being an asshole but both my landlady and her husband are employed, whereas I can't get hired to pack boxes in a factory ['bloody foreigners, coming over here, taking our jobs', racist meme or evidential truth as they're both Lithuanian], and besides, they can wait to be paid back rent [even though I have no intention of doing so] whereas my new landlord or lady will need paying upfront.
I loved staying where I am present. They were good enough people [except for their screaming little demon of a child] and the best leasers I've met since moving into London several years ago.
---
My first three years, I think it was [I've never been good at keeping track of my own history, being more concerned with the present than the past, after all, the present is what is currently biting my ass], were spent in hostels, living alongside teenage travelers, who had zero respect for other people, and horrible human beings more like animals like sapient creatures.
Got offered sex by naked women several times [though I didn't accept because I wasn't attracted to them mentally, although physically the word 'supermodel' was tossed around quite easily], and bullied once or twice, which I dealt with easily as I've been bullied a lot in my life anyway.
Biggest issue there was bed availability. They don't let you just book a bed and it's yours. You to book almost daily, and if they're fully booked, you're boned, so for three years or so, sometimes I didn't have a bed to sleep in at night.
---
After that I stayed with a Puerto Rican...maybe...who was a giant asshole with no kidneys that kept nagging me about nothing and trying to evict me for bullshit reasons as a kind of hobby.
Eventually got evicted from the room in a large house I was renting after he invited a bunch of new housemates in and then went on holiday without leaving anyone to mind the property, despite having a daughter who could and eventually did do it.
I complained after a week of the mess and the noise from the brand new teenage tenants who were traveling from America, and how the boiler had broken and we were I was cleaning and everyone was showering in frigid water.
He ignored my texts and calls for more than a month until I managed to get hold of his daughter's email address and she managed to arrange for repairs.
After he returned he evicted me.
I cleaned the house up after the other residents. I got the boiler repaired. I made sure it was still standing and in reasonable condition for the time he was absent. And he booted me out for giving a shit about the place.
Some time later I got into an argument with the council over receiving housing benefit I wasn't entitled to even though I was. They contacted him as it was regarding my time spent living in his house. He lied to them about me actually being employed whilst living there and cheating the fucking government out of charity.
One court tribunal later, which he didn't attend, just gave them a written statement of his testimony after the tribunal was advised by a claim inspector to trust his assertions [you've no idea how badly I wanted to find the cretin who claimed that and break them in half], and I was able to prove that his allegations were a load of crap. He could've got me a criminal record and a jail time if they had believed him though.
There's a reason his kidney's failed people; the universe was trying to prevent him from blighting other people's lives. At least that's my theory.
[I said when I started writing this blog that I wasn't going to write about my horrible history. I just realized my actions are calling me a liar, but for crying out loud, when will the punishment stop?]
---
Then I stayed in an illegal sublet in a room in a two bed roomed flat, which was a] freezing cold [it was winter, snow on the pavement, and I didn't need to store things in the freezer], and b] had a gas heater in it which could've killed me in my sleep. Plus the rent was like fifty pounds over priced for the property.
It was illegal and overpriced because it was a council property rented to a tenant who sublet it, via her son, to my landlady who was also my flatmate. They would've been so epically boned if anyone found out. I've reported it since I left, because it's not right that someone should be making money off a council property like that, but I don't know if anyone has done anything about it.
Eventually I left that hellhole after three or four months because of a blow up argument with my sole flatmate over nothing very much, whereupon she turned into a psychotic bitch.
It's quite possible that I will never forget the argument we had over rent:
52 weeks per year, 12 months per year, 52 / 12 = 4.33 recurring, so £350.00, for example divided by 4.33 is 80.83, not 87.5, which is 350 / 4. And to work out daily rent at 350 per month, you times it by 12 months and then divide by 364 days to get 11.54.This I remember because I was trying to work out how much I owed down to the day in rent so I could leave with all debts paid and my deposit back. Settle up, because I am honest and I expect the same. However, she insisted that I was wrong regardless of how I explained it. Either she was just trying to be evil or she didn't understand and said I was wrong regardless to save face.
Whatever really, in the past, but that kind of bullshit gets on my nerves.
---
Then there was this place. My current landlady is nice and doesn't bother me at all. They're all Lithuanian like I said so they don't go out of their way to talk to me because they can hardly understand me [AND YET EMPLOYERS HIRE THEM...].
The room is a good size, the wifi is more or less always on, it's never cold, I pay a flat rate per week in rent which can be past due for a bit if required, the kitchen is spacious, I can use my flatmates knives and things, and never have to clean overmuch because there's four of them and they do it themselves.
Well, more or less. The kitchen is usually left in a clutter so I have to move things, but I do the same sometimes so that's OK. And their son never stops bloody screaming his dam head off, which is grossly annoying sometimes. But on the whole, this place was ideal.
But now I have to leave.
---
I can be a bit picky over my next place as I've got just over a month to inspect and interview and consider, whilst also having the budget [see above regarding not paying this months rent] to pay for a large deposit which really opens up the options when you're looking for accommodation that'll accept those on housing benefit.
Some people lament the effort it takes to get onto the housing ladder due to property prices.
Personally I'm just looking for four walls, a floor, a ceiling, a bed, wifi, a fridge, and a toilet, plus housemates that I don't fantasize about justifiably killing.
Alright, so there are also those who don't even have the money to live indoors, but I do so using perfectly available social security funds so I don't understand why people do live rough really.
---
My final thought for today is that I learned yesterday definitively that my mother is indeed dead because there was an ad about it in the town where she lived with my farther, brother and sister.
She was insane. Illogical. A hater of intelligence. A downer. Someone who would drag another person's moral and sense of self-worth down to her own level on instinct. A liar. Abusive. Chronically bloody ill. And probably responsible for how fucked up I am.
As a creator, not what I would've hoped for, in a mother.
Sir Terry Pratchett, author of the Discworld fantasy series of books, wrote his deceased characters as being very clear minded. Dead, spirits, no longer able to interact with the living world, and soon transitioned into their afterlife, which is whatever they think will happen.
For my sake I hope that the former happened and she saw the damage she caused and could regret it, and feel remorse for it.
For hers, because I am a fundamentally good man, I hope that if there is a next world that she isn't driven anymore by whatever it was that caused her to act the way she did to me.
Never loved her, never even liked her, or respected her, or wished her anything but vengeance for what she did to me, which I got, and I'm not sorry.
But I can still hope for peace now I've settled the score.
03/06/2014
On Bad Days...
...Fuck me...
Woke up.
Got evicted because I'm subletting and my landlady has decided not to renew her lease after the rent was increased.
Had wheeties.
Got rejected for a minimum wage job at SEGA which I was screened for on the basis, if you can believe it, 'the calibre of applicants has been very high during this process'.
Played some Hearthstone to relax a bit from these two blows before trying to find somewhere new to live, apply for another job, and do my college work which I paid for using yet another Student Loan.
Lost every one of the ten matches I played.
...OK...bad day...
My student loan is currently on hold because they require some more information from me. This information I've given to them twice already; once over the phone, once in writing. Currently dealing with their complaints department about it.
Said complaints department, for fun, decided yesterday afternoon to ring me up as a curtsy call to tell me that they were aware of my complaint.
Not that they had or were going to do anything about it. Not that they needed me to do anything about it. Just that were aware of it.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that at the time I was dead asleep because my sleep pattern is currently fucked and I'm sleeping during the day, and then couldn't get back to sleep afterwards.
Bastards.
That phone call was yesterday.
So right now it's around 6pm.
I was struggling to deal yesterday with the prospect of doing my college work. Now...
---
I did have one crazy idea on how to resolve this; rent a storage container.
They cost, on a weekly basis, for the same size room, about half what I pay in rent.
Gain 24 hour access, somewhere close a gym for the shower and toilet, do my college work at the college where I'm studying, buy a cooler and few bags of ice each week that cost a pound each for food storage, and construct a nest inside the container.
I've seen pictures of people who've built actual honest to gods mansions out of storage containers, water proofed, wired with electrics and piped with plumbing. After all, a storage container is just a metal box and a house is just a concrete box.
The issue is with this is twofold.
I've tried living in a hostel [instant access, pay by the day accommodation] and it's not something I ever want to repeat, which is why I was looking into this to begin with.
Finding another room to rent might be easier.
---
A few days ago my biggest issue was taking care of my college work before the weekend, with a side of chasing up results from interviews and my student loan.
Now I'm virtually homeless and starving is the only way to fix it.
Fucking hate my life, but hating it isn't going to fix anything, so I had best go get on with it.
Woke up.
Got evicted because I'm subletting and my landlady has decided not to renew her lease after the rent was increased.
Had wheeties.
Got rejected for a minimum wage job at SEGA which I was screened for on the basis, if you can believe it, 'the calibre of applicants has been very high during this process'.
Played some Hearthstone to relax a bit from these two blows before trying to find somewhere new to live, apply for another job, and do my college work which I paid for using yet another Student Loan.
Lost every one of the ten matches I played.
...OK...bad day...
My student loan is currently on hold because they require some more information from me. This information I've given to them twice already; once over the phone, once in writing. Currently dealing with their complaints department about it.
Said complaints department, for fun, decided yesterday afternoon to ring me up as a curtsy call to tell me that they were aware of my complaint.
Not that they had or were going to do anything about it. Not that they needed me to do anything about it. Just that were aware of it.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that at the time I was dead asleep because my sleep pattern is currently fucked and I'm sleeping during the day, and then couldn't get back to sleep afterwards.
Bastards.
That phone call was yesterday.
So right now it's around 6pm.
- In a month I'll have no where to live and to find new accommodation I need to find one of the few leasers who will rent to someone on housing benefit.
- In a week I'll have next to no food budget as I use what little money I have to pay for a deposit on new accommodation [I never did actually have one where I'm currently living].
I was struggling to deal yesterday with the prospect of doing my college work. Now...
---
I did have one crazy idea on how to resolve this; rent a storage container.
They cost, on a weekly basis, for the same size room, about half what I pay in rent.
Gain 24 hour access, somewhere close a gym for the shower and toilet, do my college work at the college where I'm studying, buy a cooler and few bags of ice each week that cost a pound each for food storage, and construct a nest inside the container.
I've seen pictures of people who've built actual honest to gods mansions out of storage containers, water proofed, wired with electrics and piped with plumbing. After all, a storage container is just a metal box and a house is just a concrete box.
The issue is with this is twofold.
- Firstly, most places don't have 24 hour access to the compounds they're built on. The best place I found does [and is sammitched between a 24 hour gym and an Iceland store], but would need me to be a customer for eight weeks before they'd give it to me. Doable maybe, but still...
- Secondly, my housing benefits are paid for a property. My job seekers isn't, so one hundred and forty every two weeks, forty on rent every week, works out at sixty every two weeks which is slightly less than what I have now with free access to amenities [bathroom, water, kitchen, etc.].
- Plus there's the obvious issue of what you're allowed to store there and the owners might take issue with a person living in one of their boxes.
I've tried living in a hostel [instant access, pay by the day accommodation] and it's not something I ever want to repeat, which is why I was looking into this to begin with.
Finding another room to rent might be easier.
---
A few days ago my biggest issue was taking care of my college work before the weekend, with a side of chasing up results from interviews and my student loan.
Now I'm virtually homeless and starving is the only way to fix it.
Fucking hate my life, but hating it isn't going to fix anything, so I had best go get on with it.
01/06/2014
First!
Because I believe in cliches. :P
HAI! As is traditional when I start a new blog I always say something along the lines of 'I never continue with these things', blah, blah, but I keep spamming my own Twitter account with verbose rants on various subjects and have needed a blog for quite some time, so here we are.
Also when I start a new blog I take quite some time going over the horrors of my past in an attempt to explain who I am and how I came to be. Perhaps this is why I never continue with them beyond the first post. Rehashing what is becoming comparatively ancient history for me is beyond pointless.
Everything you need to know, dear reader, can be summed up by two notions:
The first is that I'm not what you'd call a human being.
...that being said, you can always learn...
Once I removed myself from the orbit of my abusive family*, found a way to gain education which could help me gain employment, and stopped contacting her** I started to get my head straight.
*Though I'm unsure the term 'Abusive' really applies. They never struck me, but the mental damage they inflicted made me see them as monsters. Is there a ruler for abuse, a measurement of cruelty? Or is it determined by the perspective of the individual? They fed me, clothed me, and kept me alive whilst flaying my brain daily. Was I just in abandoning them, or was I as cruel as they to inflict my absence on them? Is justice the same as right?
**One of my primary issues at the moment is my utterly hatred of 'How people are' and my desire to have sex and to give my love to someone. Is there someone out there whom I would feel the same or better about like 'She Who Will Not Be Contacted'...probably, but I expect I'll never meet her.
And that's where I am at the moment.
There's two factors of my existence; I'm not normal, and my personal university is, or has been up till now, a harsh and unpleasant one.
I know, I said I wouldn't rehash the past, but you've got to have at least a bit of that really, but this is where it ends. I'm done with back, I'm going forward.
As it stands I've got two things currently going on; I'm applying to my local police service for constable, a process which takes months to go through with aptitude, personality, and physical testing; and I'm doing a college course for basic police training.
I'm writing this, in fact, because I'm trying to avoid doing things. I get like that sometimes. I don't see the point in acting, so I don't act, and I can't afford that right now, but it's not like I can just flip a switch or something.
I need to get some exercise after a long down time with and after a bad case of bronchitis generated a large blob of mucus which I couldn't cough up from my lungs for several weeks.
I need to catch up on my college work before Saturday. It's a part time course, and I'm unemployed, and a genius with an excellent memory, so it's not like it'll take me long to do, it's just that I keep not doing it and eventually it'll need to be done and I won't have the time to do it. I've got no reason for not doing it, it's just that I'm not.
And I want to write a book on games design documentation, and program a game in DirectX and C++. And instead, when I'm not watching the TV series 24, I'm playing the games on which I'm writing my thesis, mostly League of Legends [LoL by Riot Games].
I should really be productive, but sometimes I just don't see the point. Working for no reward other than the job itself eventually loses it's appeal when doing nothing at all has the same effect.
Gotten hungry whilst writing. Going to go make cheese salad and then force myself to hit my weights.
Tomorrow will be a busy day as I get my job seekers allowance and can go food shopping and rent paying and things. Maybe that will spur me on to be more productive and get my college work done. Do more than I have in the last four days where I've mostly just played LoL.
I'll write another post tomorrow. Shorter with a singular point, and see if I can't spruce it up a little with some background art, links to webcomics and things. I did have a website where I wrote things but my finances are so tight I can't even afford new tees, so it was silly to keep paying for it every month.
...Maybe I'll write about what I'm learning for the police. Get interested in it so getting college work done will be easy.
It's a thought.
HAI! As is traditional when I start a new blog I always say something along the lines of 'I never continue with these things', blah, blah, but I keep spamming my own Twitter account with verbose rants on various subjects and have needed a blog for quite some time, so here we are.
Also when I start a new blog I take quite some time going over the horrors of my past in an attempt to explain who I am and how I came to be. Perhaps this is why I never continue with them beyond the first post. Rehashing what is becoming comparatively ancient history for me is beyond pointless.
Everything you need to know, dear reader, can be summed up by two notions:
The first is that I'm not what you'd call a human being.
Oh sure, I look human, and any doctor would confirm that genetically speaking I'm just like any other homo sapiens. However, one of the fundamentals of how an individual biological organism is classified is it's behavior and function. My brain isn't human.And the second is that the universe takes a delight in presenting me with only the very best in batshit insane situations which no human should ever need to encounter, much less resolve. The 'horrors of my past' mentioned above include:
A lot of people would expect me to now declare that I'm homo superior and better than others. Not really. Homo alternus is more apt. I'm smart, strong, and a good man, but I think differently, act differently, understand differently to everyone.
People say this to be individual and unique, I know, but I wish I wasn't. I wish I was just like everyone else, because to be truly divided from everyone else is to never understand their anyone else and never be understood. I don't feel lonely though, I just wish the actions of others made some sort of sense occasionally.
- A family who entirely suffered from 'intellectophobia', or the fear of intellect, treating those deemed more intelligent than themselves with disdain and casual cruelty. Less of an issue since I disowned them all however. My parents are dead apparently. I feel literally nothing about that. I never loved them, or hated them. My justice was to disown them, and I got it.
- I was gifted, if that's the word, with a genius level intellect, memory and imagination. Which was then damaged by bullies, sandblasted by public education, and finally broken in half by a University course which was mis-sold as educative instead of a timesink. I've since taught myself how to do what this course did not however.
- And a first love, a love at first sight and later infatuation with who and what they were. They turned out to be a transgender [I'm male, they were male, now female] with social-anxiety issues so acute and an mentality so unstable that she, to this day, is still posting on Craigslist anomalously about lost soulmates and alike, the only form of communication she could manage, in the hopes that one day I will email her again. I want to, oh stars do I want to, because I do feel love for her, for the first time in my life for someone, but I won't. I won't because it was unhealthy, and s/he's insane, and if I want a real life then I need to avoid her, but a part of me still wants her in my arms...
...that being said, you can always learn...
Once I removed myself from the orbit of my abusive family*, found a way to gain education which could help me gain employment, and stopped contacting her** I started to get my head straight.
*Though I'm unsure the term 'Abusive' really applies. They never struck me, but the mental damage they inflicted made me see them as monsters. Is there a ruler for abuse, a measurement of cruelty? Or is it determined by the perspective of the individual? They fed me, clothed me, and kept me alive whilst flaying my brain daily. Was I just in abandoning them, or was I as cruel as they to inflict my absence on them? Is justice the same as right?
**One of my primary issues at the moment is my utterly hatred of 'How people are' and my desire to have sex and to give my love to someone. Is there someone out there whom I would feel the same or better about like 'She Who Will Not Be Contacted'...probably, but I expect I'll never meet her.
And that's where I am at the moment.
There's two factors of my existence; I'm not normal, and my personal university is, or has been up till now, a harsh and unpleasant one.
I know, I said I wouldn't rehash the past, but you've got to have at least a bit of that really, but this is where it ends. I'm done with back, I'm going forward.
As it stands I've got two things currently going on; I'm applying to my local police service for constable, a process which takes months to go through with aptitude, personality, and physical testing; and I'm doing a college course for basic police training.
I'm writing this, in fact, because I'm trying to avoid doing things. I get like that sometimes. I don't see the point in acting, so I don't act, and I can't afford that right now, but it's not like I can just flip a switch or something.
I need to get some exercise after a long down time with and after a bad case of bronchitis generated a large blob of mucus which I couldn't cough up from my lungs for several weeks.
I need to catch up on my college work before Saturday. It's a part time course, and I'm unemployed, and a genius with an excellent memory, so it's not like it'll take me long to do, it's just that I keep not doing it and eventually it'll need to be done and I won't have the time to do it. I've got no reason for not doing it, it's just that I'm not.
And I want to write a book on games design documentation, and program a game in DirectX and C++. And instead, when I'm not watching the TV series 24, I'm playing the games on which I'm writing my thesis, mostly League of Legends [LoL by Riot Games].
I should really be productive, but sometimes I just don't see the point. Working for no reward other than the job itself eventually loses it's appeal when doing nothing at all has the same effect.
Gotten hungry whilst writing. Going to go make cheese salad and then force myself to hit my weights.
Tomorrow will be a busy day as I get my job seekers allowance and can go food shopping and rent paying and things. Maybe that will spur me on to be more productive and get my college work done. Do more than I have in the last four days where I've mostly just played LoL.
I'll write another post tomorrow. Shorter with a singular point, and see if I can't spruce it up a little with some background art, links to webcomics and things. I did have a website where I wrote things but my finances are so tight I can't even afford new tees, so it was silly to keep paying for it every month.
...Maybe I'll write about what I'm learning for the police. Get interested in it so getting college work done will be easy.
It's a thought.