Halo thar. Been busy doing nothing very much. In all accuracy.
Since my last post I played way more Hearthstone than I should, sorted out my JSA claim to this area, sorted out my HB claim to this hostel, and booked this hostel for the time being consecutively so my accommodation is all but stable.
No real issues. I provided the right information to each relevent agency and party and, apart from a 9am phone call for some putz at the housing benefits office asking me to confirm what was fucking outlined on the fucking receipts I printed out and checked in, everything was swapped over without anything being dropped, especially not a payment, so I didn't have to chase it.
Well, my JSA was slow to come through and I did have to chase that, but I got it sorted out in hours on the day of so no worries. Going to sign on tomorrow and I don't see any issues.
Took a resit exam for my Certificate in Basic Policing Course. Apparently I don't need to do all 17 outstanding questions in one sitting but I do need to do a paper in one sitting. So what I did was 3 questions total, of two different papers, and passed them both, found out today, last Saturday.
I didn't just do all 17 because I spent, and yes I know I'm a damn fool, about two weeks writing games design and playing Hearthstone, then worked up the morale to actually do revision of the material about a day or so before hand.
Stayed awake for 25 hours to get to the exam, ran out of cash so didn't eat for 12 hours, and didn't have the monies for transport so I had to walk for 4 hours to get there.
The four hour walk back...no words to describe how much that fucking hurt. Got into the hostel and just collapsed onto a bench and fell asleep. Took it's now Tuesday and I feel somewhat normal for the first time since.
Essentially the world has stopped being an unfair place that likes to torture me, so I'm now, like a fucking sadist, doing it to myself.
I take full responsibility for it. I should've revised. I should've kept money back. I should've gotten a good nights sleep, arrived, done all 17, and now be smug I passed. And I paid for it. Saturday hurt more than I have in YEARS, no exercise, no trauma, nothing has hurt that much. Yeesh.
Tutor said he could do Thursday so I'm going in to do some more of the papers. 14 questions remaining and 1.5 days to revise.
And I'm not doing it.
Why?
Morale issues basically. I know I should do it, I know things will be better once it's done, and I want to be a policeman, but...meh...
Can't remember if I posted it before but all the crap I've been through up till now just piled on me and that last issue with the job center, the insult, the patronization, the fucking stupidity of it...that's what I'm fighting.
I'm fighting 'Fuck This'. I'm trying to make myself give a damn when it matters, when I've got time, to do the work and finish. To end it. To get my prize at last...
I did it at the end of last week. I'm sure I'll pull my shit together tomorrow.
I know I want to be a policemen though because I love it. I love sitting in this hostel, seeing someone break a pool que and try to hide it, reporting it to the hostel staff and being thanked for it. I love the authority. I love the creeping stealthy predator nature of it. I want to be a policeman and hunt criminals. It's just this part which is killing me...
About the only other thing currently happening right now is, once again, sexual bullshit.
Receptionist in the hostel I'm staying. Cute and slinky lil bint, very nice ass, who get's flustered when I talk to her, checks me out, and is trying to get me to talk to her. Issue? She smokes, and I have a policy.
Third girl I've ever been interested in who smoked. Two were way back when I lived in Oxfordshire and worked in a pub, and this would be the third. One said she loved me, went on date with the second but nothing happened, and this one is lovely but I don't date smokers and thats the end of it.
Like I said last time, I don't have time or headspace for this bullshit but I still want sex. The fact that she smokes makes it 2 to 1 in the negative, but that 1 is about 5 times bigger than the other two combined.
Fucking humanity man. Fucking smoking too.
Downloading League of Legends on this toy laptop I'm using. The recommended specs are way above this 1.5GHz piece of shit, but I can run Hearthstone and want to see if at minimum settings it can manage to run it anyway. Likewise with Visual Studio and Photoshop, which I need for testing and adding graphics to my games design documentation.
That's coming along well too. Written about 10,000 words so far and barely gotten started. Get these exams out of the way and, apart from some general revision of the material I should probably do before getting into training, I should be able to up that by a few 10's of thousands with a Bestiary and racial definitions.
On series five of Boardwalk Empire. It's a period drama of 1920's prohibition in Atlanta, USA. Just my sort of show too. Intrigue plus lots of violence and a central protagonist who is bad ass because of his wit and intellect. An old time Raymond 'Red' Reddington [The Blacklist]. Speaking of, I'm loving The Blacklist at the moment as well. Just coming to the end of the whole Berlin plotline. G fucking G ending.
Kinda built a sexual thing for Megan Boone who plays agent Keen too. Downloaded, late, The Fappening via torrents some time ago, and checked for her name in there after they showed her in her panties during a scene. Fucking excellent bootie on that women, and there's nudes of her on a bed in one of the volumes of The Fap.
Emily Bett Rickards [more like Emily BUTT Rickards], who played Felicity Smoak in Arrow is fucking gorgeous too. Showed her in PJs in last weeks episode and there couldn't have been a person who's attracted to women watching that who wouldn't have liked her to lose them.
Eliza Taylor in The 100 as well. FUCK.
Series 2 of The 100, the show picked up in quality and they finally explained how the Skypeople and the Grounders survive both the radiation on the ground and the trip from living in space to living on the ground without suffering from all sorts of illnesses. People who're raised their entire lives in bubbles, like space stations, should not have ability to live on Earth in a tropical rainforest. That really did annoy me when watching S01. And at the start of S02 they did nothing but explain how that happened in an acceptable way. And generally the story telling is several times better than it was.
Eliza Taylor though. That women has gotten all kinds of fucking gorgeous in S02. Character aside, who thinks something like me which is way attractive, she's the same age as me but seems to have hit the gym or something because it's so hard not to imagine her totally butt naked when watching that show. YEESH.
Anyway, new ep of The Blacklist has finished downloading so I'm gonna go watch it and eat dinner. Revise after. That's what I should be doing.
Tomorrow, sign on, revise, and get to the college on Thursday in good order...yeah...that's what's going to happen...sure... O_O
...have a good one.
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexuality. Show all posts
11/11/2014
12/06/2014
On Ruby...
So apparently there are some side effects to frying one's brain like an egg in the sun, which I know I did cus my head is tanned from the top down now.
Said side effects include the world feeling like it's fogged with yellow heat haze. ._.
Slowly feeling better and eating, for some strange reason, like a piranha. Haven't eaten very much in the last few weeks and lost quite a bit of weight, but so far I've eaten wheeties, a salad and egg on toast one after the other in the last few hours. Go figure.
---
When I woke up this morning in the aforementioned sun stroked haze something fairly amusing happened.
I was watching the end of S05 of 24 where Jack is in his prime and hunting down the treacherous President in that hoodie and blue jeans, pulling off quite a nice bad ass act in the process, and didn't have the mental wherewithal to get undressed.
I wasn't wearing a shirt because it was too hot even for the copious bear suit I have on over my skin, so I just fell asleep wearing my blue jeans sometime around 3am.
This resulted in about two handfuls of change, which I collected from breaking up notes yesterday as it was too hot to riffle through coins to pay for anything, coating the bottom of my bed from my pockets.
When I woke up I staggered to the kitchen desperate for a drink, but on the way I heard coins dropping to the floor every few paces.
Turns out the aforementioned two handfuls of change were glued to my back by sweat and pressure on flat disks of metal and were now dropping off one by one as I moved.
I had to laugh at that. xD
---
Because of being cooked yesterday I didn't get to cancelling the Tribunal and getting a new check in time with the job centre and today. Just gonna leave it till Monday, grab my phone and some credit and make a couple of calls job done.
This will solve both issues because a] I don't know where the Tribunal is to cancel the hearing, so phone some clerk to the Tribunal who I have the number for and ask him what I need to do to cancel it and arrange repayment, and b] I can't get to my adviser in person to book a new appointment time for not next week but the week after but I have his number to.
I hate phones. Email is so much easier but so many organisations don't readily have and so many people can't just write an email and send a reasonable reply.
People look askance at me when I say I hate phones. Then I send them the same look when they say they don't have an email address. Ever heard of Gmail man?
I dun know.
---
So fall out from yesterday is that I feel like underdone pork [fun fact: humans taste sorta like pork], I need to apply for 2 jobs before the end of the day and record that on the job centre website even though neither of them will reply, and my appetite has returned from it's holidays.
Gonna do college work now and then drag myself outside for some running.
---
The only other thought that's peculating through my gently cooling neural pathways is that my primitive brain would give a significant quantity of things to get to call the camgirl Ruby Renegade mine.
I've got a draft post about porn on here and the basic fundamental point is that it's not enough to have beauty, lots of people are beautiful by general standards, you need the right kind of driving mind and instincts behind it.
I mean, yes, Ruby's hot and she works at maintaining it, but that's true of a lot of girls. And besides, she's Asian, and Asian girls almost by design don't even have to try to look as cute as kittens to any Western male, it's just built in like humans typically have hair.
The point is that Ruby isn't just a hottie on cam. She is beautiful and she works at her performance to the best possible effect. She does what she does almost perfectly.
Alright so she could use a better camera for her live shows, that part is a lil unprofessional really. And the background music she uses is sometimes a little too hard [Korn for example] even if she is a rock chick. It just kind of spoils the mood as I listen to that stuff for violent acts like exercise, not sensual acts like orgasms.
However she has the perfect figure, and she has just enough makeup, and she knows what we want to see her do, and she squirt cums on camera, doesn't over do it with the moans or sexy talk, and the aftermath is never just 'I came, now I might as well be chatting with my mother and not realizing I'm butt naked', but kind of sensual glow effect which is actually quite appealing.
I've seen anything and everything, and out of all the things, if I could have sex with anyone, it would be Ruby and then some. Assuming of course two things; firstly that she would be into it (obviously, but I thought I had better make the point) and secondly that she had the right kind of personality.
I don't take it as writ that amazingly sexy female equals intelligent and capable human being [though some sort of hobby as a fighter or something is fantastic as far as my caveman instincts are concerned].
I would just like to think that one of the most beautiful, sexy and desirable creatures that I've ever encountered in any regard isn't a bleedin pillock.
Not that any of that matters really. She's a camgirl and they, very rightly, go in for keeping a very large and solid wall between themselves and their audience.
I prefer to think of her as an example; there are potential lovers like Ruby out there, and if you ever get the chance, try your best to impress and don't settle for less.
A boi can dream. Of this. Very, very naked and nearby... :>
Said side effects include the world feeling like it's fogged with yellow heat haze. ._.
Slowly feeling better and eating, for some strange reason, like a piranha. Haven't eaten very much in the last few weeks and lost quite a bit of weight, but so far I've eaten wheeties, a salad and egg on toast one after the other in the last few hours. Go figure.
---
When I woke up this morning in the aforementioned sun stroked haze something fairly amusing happened.
I was watching the end of S05 of 24 where Jack is in his prime and hunting down the treacherous President in that hoodie and blue jeans, pulling off quite a nice bad ass act in the process, and didn't have the mental wherewithal to get undressed.
I wasn't wearing a shirt because it was too hot even for the copious bear suit I have on over my skin, so I just fell asleep wearing my blue jeans sometime around 3am.
This resulted in about two handfuls of change, which I collected from breaking up notes yesterday as it was too hot to riffle through coins to pay for anything, coating the bottom of my bed from my pockets.
When I woke up I staggered to the kitchen desperate for a drink, but on the way I heard coins dropping to the floor every few paces.
Turns out the aforementioned two handfuls of change were glued to my back by sweat and pressure on flat disks of metal and were now dropping off one by one as I moved.
I had to laugh at that. xD
---
Because of being cooked yesterday I didn't get to cancelling the Tribunal and getting a new check in time with the job centre and today. Just gonna leave it till Monday, grab my phone and some credit and make a couple of calls job done.
This will solve both issues because a] I don't know where the Tribunal is to cancel the hearing, so phone some clerk to the Tribunal who I have the number for and ask him what I need to do to cancel it and arrange repayment, and b] I can't get to my adviser in person to book a new appointment time for not next week but the week after but I have his number to.
I hate phones. Email is so much easier but so many organisations don't readily have and so many people can't just write an email and send a reasonable reply.
People look askance at me when I say I hate phones. Then I send them the same look when they say they don't have an email address. Ever heard of Gmail man?
I dun know.
---
So fall out from yesterday is that I feel like underdone pork [fun fact: humans taste sorta like pork], I need to apply for 2 jobs before the end of the day and record that on the job centre website even though neither of them will reply, and my appetite has returned from it's holidays.
Gonna do college work now and then drag myself outside for some running.
---
The only other thought that's peculating through my gently cooling neural pathways is that my primitive brain would give a significant quantity of things to get to call the camgirl Ruby Renegade mine.
I've got a draft post about porn on here and the basic fundamental point is that it's not enough to have beauty, lots of people are beautiful by general standards, you need the right kind of driving mind and instincts behind it.
I mean, yes, Ruby's hot and she works at maintaining it, but that's true of a lot of girls. And besides, she's Asian, and Asian girls almost by design don't even have to try to look as cute as kittens to any Western male, it's just built in like humans typically have hair.
The point is that Ruby isn't just a hottie on cam. She is beautiful and she works at her performance to the best possible effect. She does what she does almost perfectly.
Alright so she could use a better camera for her live shows, that part is a lil unprofessional really. And the background music she uses is sometimes a little too hard [Korn for example] even if she is a rock chick. It just kind of spoils the mood as I listen to that stuff for violent acts like exercise, not sensual acts like orgasms.
However she has the perfect figure, and she has just enough makeup, and she knows what we want to see her do, and she squirt cums on camera, doesn't over do it with the moans or sexy talk, and the aftermath is never just 'I came, now I might as well be chatting with my mother and not realizing I'm butt naked', but kind of sensual glow effect which is actually quite appealing.
I'm not gonna link it, but if you can find it, look for the PoV blow job she did on her knees to a dil on a wall. If you're into women it'll crack your personal engine block.I'm in my late twenties, never had an issue with abstinence or addiction where my own corpus is concerned [I just don't have that kind of personality...caffeine doesn't count at this point, not when your blood is 9/10ths go-jooce] and I'm a hardcore geek who lives online.
I've seen anything and everything, and out of all the things, if I could have sex with anyone, it would be Ruby and then some. Assuming of course two things; firstly that she would be into it (obviously, but I thought I had better make the point) and secondly that she had the right kind of personality.
I don't take it as writ that amazingly sexy female equals intelligent and capable human being [though some sort of hobby as a fighter or something is fantastic as far as my caveman instincts are concerned].
I would just like to think that one of the most beautiful, sexy and desirable creatures that I've ever encountered in any regard isn't a bleedin pillock.
Not that any of that matters really. She's a camgirl and they, very rightly, go in for keeping a very large and solid wall between themselves and their audience.
I prefer to think of her as an example; there are potential lovers like Ruby out there, and if you ever get the chance, try your best to impress and don't settle for less.
A boi can dream. Of this. Very, very naked and nearby... :>
10/06/2014
On Minds...
Sup, it's 00:44 Tuesday, I've just finished running, and thought of a couple of things I wanted to blog about so I'm taking care of Tuesday's post now.
---
Firstly, yup, went running.
Ten minuets in I could barely draw breath. It wasn't gradual either. Runni-jogging, jogging just fine and then it was like trying to breath through glue in all of thirty seconds. Walked for 20-30 minuets and got to the Hospital ER, which is on my longer running route anyway, and tried to see a doctor. 40 minuets or so later and I was breathing normally at rest. It's like cold activated pneumonia, if pneumonia is what I think it is and is fluid in your lungs as a response to cold.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pneumonia/pages/introduction.aspx
...In fact, if I'm reading this right, I've had pneumonia caused by a streptococcus infection.
Go running in the cold night air, generate lactic acid, this causes me to get low grade pneumonia, which I fight against as I do with strained muscles. The strep fed off the lactic acid and infected my bronchial tubes, giving me a wicked cold for a few days and then settling down into bad tasting coughs. I haven't been eating and sleeping right and stopped running, so I've not had the white blood cells to kill it. After I killed the bacteria with a better diet and the new meds I've just started taking, the cold air tonight just made the pneumonia flare up which made me choke for half an hour tonight.
Bad diet, lack of sleep, dust in my room, running in the cold, and not taking meds which attacked the bacteria in my lungs. That's why I've been low grade ill for a good two months.
Idiot. I should notice this shit by now. I'm meant to be intelligent. Keep taking Benylin, eat more, sleep at night, run to invigorate my blood's resistances and I should be fine. Dumb ass.
ALSO: Maybe get a flu shot from now on designed to resist strep. I don't want this happening again.
---
OK, secondly, when I was in the Hospital ER a girl came in from a car crash badly shaken up.
There were two things about this for me personally.
The first was good; empathy. I wanted to help her and felt sorry for her on reflex. I know about bad injuries.
I've cracked my skull open in two places at the same time, shredded my left bicep, damaged my knee caps, and shattered my left wrist in my time, plus broken both my legs in my teens [not at the same time], and crushed both my toe nails.
These days a car crash would've been an invigorating experience for me instead of requiring therapy like that girl will probably need.
Advised her to put her head down when she said she felt dizzy to help clear it, but that's all I could do for her.
I think if I can respond to road traffic accidents with the same need to help and care about the victims in the same way but actually be able to be the first response assistance and do some real good, I should do just fine as a copper.
The second though was...I don't know what to make of the second to be honest. The girl was young and attractive. And lately I've been rather interested in others.
Fun fact, I'm bisexual, which basically means an attractive girl or guy is perfectly acceptable as a sexual partner. Not that I've ever had any you understand.
People with my intellect find it hard to relate to others, and people with my background of social abuse find it hard to like and trust others. Empathy, care, consideration for others, those are reflexive, but for me, I need to feel something for someone else before I could let them touch me and touch them back.
And the combination of feeling something for someone and actually liking and trusting them and getting the same in return has just never happened for me. I don't expect it to really, but that doesn't stop your automatic urges from kicking in when you see something that makes you horny.
She, the girl in shock, was attractive and needy and just a part of me was thinking 'help, protect, gain trust of, fuck and make babies'. I've had girls present themselves naked to me and try to get in my pants before and that's the same voice I heard and ignored then, but it's slightly disgusting that it activated in response to a girl in shock after a car crash.
Cave man at heart I might be, protect the young and the womenfolk I might believe in at my core, but ye gods, time and a place.
Last Saturday on the way to college for example, hot girl with big melons rushes giggling by me, I stared openly and made her blush [don't like it, wear a sweater or something lady], but in an ER like that, down boy, seriously, down.
I like Mr. Brain who replied with 'Oh that poor young girl, we must do what we can to ease her suffering'. The part that wanted to assist so we could get in her pants, not so much really.
Yes, dear reader, I am that honest. I know what is and what isn't and what the difference is, as that's all that counts at the end of everything, knowing.
I know what I am, and because of this I'm better than other people who do what they do because they don't think they have a choice. There's always a choice. Even if the only thing you want in the whole world is to do this thing right now, you can choose not to. You don't have to do anything, or not do anything. But only those who realise they have an option can take it. And I do.
---
Getting tired now so I'll wrap this up with this: gotten to the terrorism section of my certificate in basic policing college course, and suicide bombers are hair on fire raving madmen.
'How beautiful it is to kill and to be killed...for the lives of the coming generations'.
- Mohammed Al-Ghoul, June 18th 2002
How freaky insane do you have to be to believe that?
Destruction of any kind is a failure. Yours because you failed the humanity test and shamed your species by destroying the effort of labor of your peers. And someone else for never teaching you that to destroy the work of anyone is a corruption of the very principle that makes you a human being.
We are a tool using species, creators one and all, and if you use this gift of intelligence to burn the world then it only goes to show that you're a monster, worse than animal who doesn't know any better and still doesn't actively hunt and kill it's own species for an imaginary friend.
If there is a God, Allah or anyone beyond the veil responsible for this mess, I hope that He patiently teaches these creatures why what they did was such a betrayal of their own existence.
If not...well, that explains why it happened in the first place really.
---
Gods dam it, YES, also worked out emergency accommodation for when I move out of my current residence if I can't find anywhere else to live.
I stayed in a hostel a few years ago for more than a year. Low cost, weekly rent, good location, in the same borough I'm in right now.
Since I stayed there last they dropped their rent by about 20 a week whilst only renting beds for weeks at a go too. Move in and stay there pro tem until I find another privately rented room to transfer to.
At around 3/5ths what I'm currently paying in rent I'll have extra money for travel and that too so no worries.
Focus on getting my college work done and I shouldn't have any issues with the exam. Pass that and my Day 2 whilst staying in this inn of sorts and become a police constable on full time pay.
Those are the main things: somewhere to sleep and employment.
---
ALRIGHT, DONE, FINISHED, going to sleep.
Doing college work tomorrow, collecting papers and forms on Wednesday whilst checking in with the job center and cancelling that fucking Tribunal and making arrangements to repay housing benefit I was entitled to.
Thursday > Sunday focus on getting my college work done.
Monday get stuff into storage via taxi that I don't need in the Inn. Then college work, including exam revision until the 20th when I have my Day 2, and the 21st when I have my week 5 exam.
Somewhere in all of that try to find new acom and move out before the 20th for preference.
I might actually be able to sort this fucking mess out actually...
GG then.
---
Firstly, yup, went running.
Ten minuets in I could barely draw breath. It wasn't gradual either. Runni-jogging, jogging just fine and then it was like trying to breath through glue in all of thirty seconds. Walked for 20-30 minuets and got to the Hospital ER, which is on my longer running route anyway, and tried to see a doctor. 40 minuets or so later and I was breathing normally at rest. It's like cold activated pneumonia, if pneumonia is what I think it is and is fluid in your lungs as a response to cold.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/pneumonia/pages/introduction.aspx
...In fact, if I'm reading this right, I've had pneumonia caused by a streptococcus infection.
Go running in the cold night air, generate lactic acid, this causes me to get low grade pneumonia, which I fight against as I do with strained muscles. The strep fed off the lactic acid and infected my bronchial tubes, giving me a wicked cold for a few days and then settling down into bad tasting coughs. I haven't been eating and sleeping right and stopped running, so I've not had the white blood cells to kill it. After I killed the bacteria with a better diet and the new meds I've just started taking, the cold air tonight just made the pneumonia flare up which made me choke for half an hour tonight.
Bad diet, lack of sleep, dust in my room, running in the cold, and not taking meds which attacked the bacteria in my lungs. That's why I've been low grade ill for a good two months.
Idiot. I should notice this shit by now. I'm meant to be intelligent. Keep taking Benylin, eat more, sleep at night, run to invigorate my blood's resistances and I should be fine. Dumb ass.
ALSO: Maybe get a flu shot from now on designed to resist strep. I don't want this happening again.
---
OK, secondly, when I was in the Hospital ER a girl came in from a car crash badly shaken up.
There were two things about this for me personally.
The first was good; empathy. I wanted to help her and felt sorry for her on reflex. I know about bad injuries.
I've cracked my skull open in two places at the same time, shredded my left bicep, damaged my knee caps, and shattered my left wrist in my time, plus broken both my legs in my teens [not at the same time], and crushed both my toe nails.
These days a car crash would've been an invigorating experience for me instead of requiring therapy like that girl will probably need.
Advised her to put her head down when she said she felt dizzy to help clear it, but that's all I could do for her.
I think if I can respond to road traffic accidents with the same need to help and care about the victims in the same way but actually be able to be the first response assistance and do some real good, I should do just fine as a copper.
The second though was...I don't know what to make of the second to be honest. The girl was young and attractive. And lately I've been rather interested in others.
Fun fact, I'm bisexual, which basically means an attractive girl or guy is perfectly acceptable as a sexual partner. Not that I've ever had any you understand.
People with my intellect find it hard to relate to others, and people with my background of social abuse find it hard to like and trust others. Empathy, care, consideration for others, those are reflexive, but for me, I need to feel something for someone else before I could let them touch me and touch them back.
And the combination of feeling something for someone and actually liking and trusting them and getting the same in return has just never happened for me. I don't expect it to really, but that doesn't stop your automatic urges from kicking in when you see something that makes you horny.
She, the girl in shock, was attractive and needy and just a part of me was thinking 'help, protect, gain trust of, fuck and make babies'. I've had girls present themselves naked to me and try to get in my pants before and that's the same voice I heard and ignored then, but it's slightly disgusting that it activated in response to a girl in shock after a car crash.
Cave man at heart I might be, protect the young and the womenfolk I might believe in at my core, but ye gods, time and a place.
Last Saturday on the way to college for example, hot girl with big melons rushes giggling by me, I stared openly and made her blush [don't like it, wear a sweater or something lady], but in an ER like that, down boy, seriously, down.
I like Mr. Brain who replied with 'Oh that poor young girl, we must do what we can to ease her suffering'. The part that wanted to assist so we could get in her pants, not so much really.
Yes, dear reader, I am that honest. I know what is and what isn't and what the difference is, as that's all that counts at the end of everything, knowing.
I know what I am, and because of this I'm better than other people who do what they do because they don't think they have a choice. There's always a choice. Even if the only thing you want in the whole world is to do this thing right now, you can choose not to. You don't have to do anything, or not do anything. But only those who realise they have an option can take it. And I do.
---
Getting tired now so I'll wrap this up with this: gotten to the terrorism section of my certificate in basic policing college course, and suicide bombers are hair on fire raving madmen.
'How beautiful it is to kill and to be killed...for the lives of the coming generations'.
- Mohammed Al-Ghoul, June 18th 2002
How freaky insane do you have to be to believe that?
Destruction of any kind is a failure. Yours because you failed the humanity test and shamed your species by destroying the effort of labor of your peers. And someone else for never teaching you that to destroy the work of anyone is a corruption of the very principle that makes you a human being.
We are a tool using species, creators one and all, and if you use this gift of intelligence to burn the world then it only goes to show that you're a monster, worse than animal who doesn't know any better and still doesn't actively hunt and kill it's own species for an imaginary friend.
If there is a God, Allah or anyone beyond the veil responsible for this mess, I hope that He patiently teaches these creatures why what they did was such a betrayal of their own existence.
If not...well, that explains why it happened in the first place really.
---
Gods dam it, YES, also worked out emergency accommodation for when I move out of my current residence if I can't find anywhere else to live.
I stayed in a hostel a few years ago for more than a year. Low cost, weekly rent, good location, in the same borough I'm in right now.
Since I stayed there last they dropped their rent by about 20 a week whilst only renting beds for weeks at a go too. Move in and stay there pro tem until I find another privately rented room to transfer to.
At around 3/5ths what I'm currently paying in rent I'll have extra money for travel and that too so no worries.
Focus on getting my college work done and I shouldn't have any issues with the exam. Pass that and my Day 2 whilst staying in this inn of sorts and become a police constable on full time pay.
Those are the main things: somewhere to sleep and employment.
---
ALRIGHT, DONE, FINISHED, going to sleep.
Doing college work tomorrow, collecting papers and forms on Wednesday whilst checking in with the job center and cancelling that fucking Tribunal and making arrangements to repay housing benefit I was entitled to.
Thursday > Sunday focus on getting my college work done.
Monday get stuff into storage via taxi that I don't need in the Inn. Then college work, including exam revision until the 20th when I have my Day 2, and the 21st when I have my week 5 exam.
Somewhere in all of that try to find new acom and move out before the 20th for preference.
I might actually be able to sort this fucking mess out actually...
GG then.