On Kakky...

...*long sigh*...

Currently Im up to my nostrils in deep, thick, brown kak.

Can't remember what I posted last about 3 days ago, and Im not going to go check cus its annoying to do so on an iPhone, but this is where I am now:

I've arranged accommodation in a hostel. And except for a slight issue with this weekend I've been able to book it so I can stay here for the whole week concurrently so long as I book a week in advance. I would've booked this with the management, but the assholes who run this reasonably priced place said that they're always fully booked and only do bookings online. Hail the age of automation, where no one can think for themselves and no one cares so long as the money keeps coming in. Trading your humanity for efficiency and the precious, precious coin.

The price of acom changes from week to week, next week being 97 and the following week being 101 for example, and its more than I was paying, and my diet is suffering accordingly, but Ive got enough money to not be hungry.

That's a bed to sleep in and food to eat, the basics anyone needs from day to day.

Now for the shit storm...

My PC broke after I updated my media on my mobile devices on Monday, so I've got only the first 3 Iron Druid Chronicles audiobooks and first 3 Dresden Files until...well some point in the future when I can get a new PC.

I've seen cheap laptops running Windows XP on Gumtree and that would do to let me download my audiobooks and that from places like Audible, I just need to find 50-75 quid from somewhere to make everything a lot more bearable. 

Asides from this, I obviously can't do any college work in the hostel, only at the college itself. I should be there right now but I exhausted myself running across central London yesterday to check in with the job centre and don't feel like moving, much less running for an hour south to the college campus.

(My music player ran out of battery shortly before I went out the door, so Im writing this and charging it.)

And due to one of those stupid protocol before sense situations, again, again, I could find that the money I'm using to sleep indoors and eat with could vanish, and the first I would hear about it would be the same day I need to spend it. It just depends on how much attention people are paying to me.

This is fucking hilarious because the only time people ever pay me any attention is to fuck my shit up. When I really need help they ignore me, but when I need them to ignore me to help me they might as well be The Demon with 10,000 eyes.

If I'm ignored for 8-10 weeks, and I do my college work, then at best I'll be hired by the police, job done. And the training pay, which is greater than full time, will allow me to get proper accommodation and a life.

If not then I may, at worst, end up homeless and unable to finish my certification and therefore unemployed and on the street.

The phrase 'Dangerous Game' comes to mind. The one bright spot is that there's only a slim chance that the shit will hit the fan, but given that this is my life I'm expecting it to go to shit in about 3 and a half days.

I'm doing nothing illegal you understand, its just the nature of the government aid that at one and the same time is propping up my pathetic excuse for an existence and may snuff it out in passing if I'm not careful.

My aim currently is to get my college work done and maintain my acom, and that's it.

8-10 weeks of learning policing, being bored out of my skull, and worrying about my position collapsing and then Ill be employed with the money to take care of everything.

Just have to make it that far. The finish line. The boss battle. The last mile. It's a bitch. But at least it'll be the end, one way or the other.

Because if this shit falls apart I'm walking into fucking traffic the day after.

On Stress...

Yeah, stress is a good word to use here, I think.

It's hot.

I'm still coughing.

And I've hardly dented my college work.

Issues consist of: Day 2 forms and fitness test [I've not ran once this week yet and I'm too tired to go today really], Week 5 exam [haven't done week 2 of the course yet], finding new Acom [see below], 24+ Advanced Learning Loan form [this is just so utterly dam stupid I could do an entire blog post on it but mostly covered it in On Bureaucracy], and a Housing Benefits Tribunal cancellation and a reduction to my benefits [of which I don't get enough of currently] until I've completed college and gotten employed.

I'm waiting for my erstwhile landlady to raise the subject of why I've not paid rent in 2 weeks and having to pay that back in one lump so I can't move into somewhere else.

But I wouldn't mind too much if I could at least get a good nights sleep, which I can't because a] I'm not able to sleep with the thought of college work looming over my head, and b] when I do fall asleep it's so hot I have to leave my window open, and around dawn the cold air makes my lungs fill with fluid and I end up coughing my guts up for ten minuets in the middle of my sleep cycle, and then waking up mid morning over 5-6 hours total sleep not able to sleep more because it's too hot.

Stable routine, and eviction, fine.

Stable routine, and applying for police constable, also fine.

Stable routine, and ill and hot weather so little sleep, ditto with nobs on.

Stable routine, and college course part time, fiiine and dandy.

Stable fucking routine, and a gods dam benefits tribunal, OK, OK, FINE.

Unstable mother fucking running about all over the fucking place messed up shit storm of a routine, so far from fine, you can see the curvature of the universe.

I know, I know, some people have a blog and post interesting shit and high and mighty ideological thoughts on various subjects, but right here and now, I'm pissed.

I mean, for 5 years plus I have nothing, no chance at getting out from unemployment and horrible living conditions.

I find something, to my very own surprise, that might let me do that, and my personal world goes WRONG all at the same moment.

Some people are just BORN lucky I guess...

I bitch, I bitch more because my brain is pulsing in pain right now and visions of damaged lung tissue are flashing across it, both in pain and under pressure.

It's just before at least I could always tell myself 'at least I've got my health, no matter how bad everything else might be' but here and now I might not even have that.

I am angry. And the first [or should I say second because my college lecturer has already told me to go fuck myself in lesser terms] little fucker who presses trying to use my as a toilet is not going to like it when I stick a knife up there, handle first.

I'm serious about that.

Normally I don't shout and scream and act aggressive because I've always believed and know that it solves nothing really. Only calm reason and discussion solves problems, even if the other side won't play the same game, what they get from me anyway is a resolution, even if they don't like what it is.

Normally.

But it just might be the case that the next person who tries to dump something on me is going to be amazed when I stop being Mr. Rational and go straight for wild screaming ape man, like a scene from one of the new Planet of the Apes movies.

That's my blog post. Shit has gone to hell, and I'm trying to deal with it. The outcome of these events will be forthcoming, even if it's just more bitching.

Just let me catch up with my course work, get rid of this cough, pass this exam, and find somewhere new to live.

Once that's been achieved, then I'll blog about Hearthstone's game mechanics, Game of Thrones philosophy and artistic presentation, and maybe even the difference between an assault crime and a battery crime and how they can be aggravated. :)

Just let me survive the next three weeks without killing anyone and/or ending up living on the streets.

I don't deserve this shit, but then maybe no one deserves a life from the perspective of the universe.