On Crazy/Stupid...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy or stupid or crazy stupid or stupid crazy...probably best to go with all three, really.

23:20, I've got to be up and moving in 4 hours 40 minuets for a FITNESS TEST, and I'm blowing yellow goo out of my snout and listening to the popping noises from my nose.

At this point, I just said FUCK IT, SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK and decided to write up answers to the Week 5 Victims and Witnesses Certificate in Policing exam on Saturday.

Had to pause around Question 4 because I just realized that, beyond the nonsense about legislation and you can arrest a chap for this but only if this and if he crosses the room and stands on one leg whilst blowing his nose you cant arrest him for that but you can arrest him for this but if he drops the tissue on the ground this gets added to it BLAAAH, I actually kinda love the information analysis and management as much as games design.

They're equally as fascinating for their depth and complexity.

During the Day 1 mental interview I took at the same place I'm off to later on today they had us do scenario interviews with people and I enjoyed that too. Reading what had gone on, formulating questions, finding out information, it was very engaging.

It was odd just how much I enjoyed it really seeing as most of my life I've avoided people on principle, but I guess it's the difference between social engagement and social work.

I'm not here to be their mate, I'm here to find out what they know and make everyone's lives better and safer. It's system management, not interpersonal socialism, and I can do the former with a concussion.

Point is that I think I'm going to enjoy being a copper, which is awesome news because things I don't enjoy I tend to subconsciously fail.

Anyway, all I need do is roll up at MPS offices tomorrow, ask a few questions, do a few laps, explain about the raging flu and mucus [god dam you universe] and then come home and memorize this victims and witnesses lark for the follo...for to-mor-row...[god dam you universe].

Landlady might be pissed that I'm not paying a couple of hundred in rent I owe until Monday, but life can be hard sometimes, like being evicted mid first-job-in-five-years-six-month-employment-process [bitch].

My ability to see the other person's point of view, normally something that makes your average star look a lil tiny by comparison, has been severely diminished as of late.

Sometime around flu the week of a fitness test/exam was when it happened, I think.

Still got the utmost consideration for other people, that's built in, but those assholes who made my personal situation worse still have a target on their foreheads.

Breaks over, I think, back to it.

Day 2, sleep, revision, Wk5 Exam, SLEEP, then probably running around on Monday seeing to getting Day 2 form info I'm currently missing and doing week 5 of my college course, plus moving out.

Won't be so bad. Place I'm going to is about half as cheap as it is here so I'll have spare money from my benefits, I'm putting most of my stuff into storage before hand, and to be frank, having to go to the library or not having wifi in my room [last I checked it was either wifi on the first floor or a goods nights sleep on the second floor as the ground floor has live music at night] to do college work will probably do quite a bit for focusing my ability to concentrate.

My main goal and occupation in life is to pass the certificate in basic policing course, and thus far I'm blagging it. Doing tests because I've created a database of course content and searching it for the answers. I've not memorized most of the information from the first four weeks or done the optional reading or activities. I've not looked like an idiot thus far because my tutor is a pillock who reads presentation notes from the online database and most of the work is common sense, and I'm morale and smart so.

• https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/police-and-criminal-evidence-act-1984-pace-current-versions

Gotta memorize that nonsense too. PACE, very important. Describes my future powers and code of conduct and things.

Must get on with this...

On Illness...

I did not make that, but it's entirely accurate to my personal circumstances, except I'm not even half that positive a person and currently hate the universe [as though I ever stopped] on the basis that I HAVE THE FIRST FUCKING FITNESS TEST OF MY ENTIRE THREE DECADE LIFE ON FRIDAY FOR MY FIRST JOB IN FIVE YEARS FOR CRYING OUT BLOODY LOUD.

---

Woke up. Prayed for death. Watched 24. Stumbled to the hypermarket nearby. Bought Beechams All-In-One. Drank a third of the bottle. Bought a fuckton of fruit, two pizzas, several large cans of caffeine, and some breakfast cereal, all of which have in common one factor; I can unpeel/unwrap/pop/pour into bowl and devour in one easy movement. Felt better as the meds hit my blood and the caffeine started to soak into my glands.

Bravado aside, cus I currently feel proud of myself for climbing out of my cave and getting to the hypermarket for meds when lesser mortals would've just laid in bed and whimpered, I really, really need a doctor to check my fucking lungs out. For months now if I wheeze on purpose it sounds wet and makes me cough and that can't be right. I think I gave myself flu by taking large quantities of Guaifenesin which reportedly causes, in large quantities, whatever is in your lungs and bronchi to go upwards into the back of your throat and sinuses which is where all my mucus is currently residing.

My current plan is to simply buy some more All in One on Thursday and drank half the bottle Friday morning to disable whatever is effecting me long enough to do the fitness exam. They might find that I'm ill, but a] can't disqualify me on temporary flu and b] it'll allow me to move long enough to pass the running test.

---

I just have to make this point again and again:

I can't find a job in years.

I decide to apply for the police as they only care that someone can pass their tests and get their certification, rather than dismissing individuals based on their CV [the military was an option to but I've got a root objection to taking orders for lesser minds, which means pretty much everyone, including officers of higher rank; my personal judgement supercedes any other in most circumstances if I know what the situation is about, so I don't take orders easily].

OK, so I'm taking instruction from a bloody pillock on police protocols [laws, the justice system, police powers, etc.] and the material is disorganized and verbose garbage, but once I reorganize it, it's fine.

I pass the in-person interview Day 1 despite being massively tired, hungry, and inexperienced with customer service by simply being an intelligent and sensible human being.

And now, in the same fucking week, I have both a fitness test, an exam, flu, a long term and persistent respiratory condition which makes it hard to work-out, plus hanging over my head, a benefits tribunal and eviction, with unsympathetic assholes in every position of authority who's views about my personal situation consist of 'It sucks to be you, trolololol'.

I don't think the point can be raised too many times; why the fucking hell is the universe so fucking hard on me?

I mean, it's not just giving me a beat down, it's not just ignoring me, I don't just have social issues to deal with.

It's that if I don't try to accomplish anything, then it's pretty bad because I have nothing, no life, and no possibility to things getting better. I just exist and survive.

But when I try, it's never just a case of a challenging course, or tests to be completed, oh no, for me, for little ole me, I have to have some extra edge to the event in question which makes it a few times harder than it would be for anyone else.

I get intelligence, and a family who hate intellectuals.

I get to go to university, and a course run by people who don't understand the subject.

I get a deep and passionate interest in games development, and live in a country where there's hardly any industry, whilst those in the industry are a bunch of clowns.

So, after I abandon my family, find a new source of education, and try to take an interest in a new career, I then have to deal with a counterproductive factor at each stage; lack of mental focus during mental testing, illness during fitness testing, idiotic tutor during essential education, and so on.

Sometimes I really do wonder if this, life, is some sort of highly realistic game of The Sims, and my personal player is the type of bastard who waits until his Sim goes swimming and then removes the ladder to the pool, then sits there cackling to himself before posting the video on celestial YouTube.

I don't know.

What choice do I have?

It's this, apathy and stasis, or death.

Fighting the gods, mortal death or eventual death, those are the only real options.

I just wish there was a reward somewhere.

Good, good, now you've worked hard, done a good job, proved your mettle, here's a bag of wonga, go have fun on your Alienware PC in your own apartment with your kitters named Deathwing, GG.

That's what everyone else seems to get, even if they've got the intellect of a pet rock. Instead I get this shhhit plus people asking me why I'm so fucking angry all the time.

I mean, why do you think?

---

Fuck it, whatever.

I wasn't going to post today but the meds revived me enough to at least do some bitching so I can probably do some more college work now.

Tuesday-Thursday I've got to revise Victims and Witnesses for my exam on Saturday. This means by the end of today I want the Day 2 forms filled out and out the way.

Do those forms and then Week 4 of the college course online mats today then, revise three days, fitness interview, exam, and then online quizzes and week 5 next week, along with checking in with the job center.

The week after [the very start of next month] I have to move out. And at some point in the next 10 days, well 3 days really, I need to cancel my benefits tribunal hearing, which I still haven't done as I've not taken the three hour jaunt to take care of it.

...hold up:

MONDAY: Day 2 Forms / Week 4 and Quizzes
TUESDAY-THURSDAY: Week 5 Exam Revision

WEDNESDAY: ERRANDS

- Cancel Housing Benefits Tribunal by Wednesday
- See Job Adviser for Sign On Appointment
- Arrange acom

FRIDAY: Day 2
SATERDAY: Week 5 Exam

WEDNESDAY: Job Centre Plus Check In

WEEK STARTING 30TH: Move things into storage and into acom

THRUOUT: Apply Week Daily

That's the stuff. My todo list for the next couple of weeks.

I just hope I'm well enough to go wandering on Wednesday and fit enough for the test on Friday, plus I can remember wtf the answers are to the exam on Saturday.

At this point, I can but give it a go.

Going to go add some pictures to http://codexars.blogspot.co.uk/, eat some more fruit, play a lil Hearthstone maybe whilst so doing, and then fill out Day 2 forms whilst not-watching Game of Thrones, which is fucking awesome. 

Adieu.