All Sorted Out...

Feels like it's been a fairly busy three or four days, but it hasn't really, it's just been a lot of traveling interspersed by periods of heavy thinking.

…Damn…looking over my last post I was about two steps from going totally bananas. I’m doing a lot better now. It’s fine.

After I got my claim transferred to my local job centre I was removed from the full time employability skills course. This is to say that my last advisor hasn’t contacted me about not attending it and my current advisor signed me on Wednesday so providing my money is in my account on Monday then there shouldn’t be any issue.

I’ve also handed in all the evidence required to my local housing benefits office to get my claim transferred from the previous housing office to this new one. I’m not entirely happy about this as they said it would take two weeks to process and that’s more time than I have until I need the money to pay my rent at this hostel, but it’s one of those cross checks. Every time they go to pay your housing benefit they check your address with the job centre’s records, and if the two don’t match it isn’t paid.

So yeah, everyone is updated with all the evidence they need and the new job centre isn’t trying to put me on any type of employability skills program here so I have all the time I need to get my revision done for my exam on the 08/11/14.

On the other hand it’s a 50/50 bet if I’ll get my JSA on Monday and my HB on the following Monday. All I can do is get up early and check first my bank and then the offices to find out if there are any issues and if I can get the money that day because the hostel I’m staying in won’t take ‘I’ll have it in a few days’ for payment. ‘No credit’ is literally splattered across the walls of the reception area so…we’ll see what happens come Monday.

For now I’ve gotten plenty of rest, rebuilt my sanity from something like sand to, if not rock, then at least gravel, so I’m not longer giggling like a crazy thing and my left eye hasn’t twitched since I was at the housing office on Tuesday.

Still haven’t sent the bloody medical forms to the MPS. Sorting out the JSA and HB cost me too much in bus fare so there was not enough left to get to my doctors AND pay for the forms.

On the upside, this means that I’ve got plenty of cash to buy food and that with, not that I need it after a super cheap veggie run at a local Morrisons [seriously, those guys are selling veggies at ½ the cost of Sainsburys and Tescos, it’s amazing].

On the downside, I’ve told them I’ll send it to them every Monday for the past three weeks and failed every time because of costs of moving acom, and then that fucking employability skills course being three hours down the road. Next Monday I’ve got bank fees which takes away the money I need, followed the week after by the fees for my resit exam. So two weeks Monday [assuming everything remains stable] is when I’ll be able to actually fucking pay for and send them.

The fact that the forms are basically nothing more than a guy’s signature that confirms I’m in perfect health [not that the Doctor even fucking CHECKED to make sure I was] just pisses me off even more.

Anyway, point is that here and now and until Monday morning I don’t really have any issues [about four days], apart from waking up this morning feeling horrible.

I think the heat in the dorm I’m staying in messed with my thyroid or something because I spent a couple of hours radiating heat from my skin like a patio heater. Didn’t feel too bad after I went out and got a can of Monster caffeine, but you could’ve cooked a side of bacon on my bald head.

Then spent way too long playing Hearthstone after I worked out a somewhat epic build for the Hunter class and was able to get from lv20 [entry] up to lv16. Currently at lv17 because it’s more or less the luck of the fucking draw if you get a good hand or not and I tend to lose about 45% of my matches through bad hands and opponent lucky ones.

Today was the first bit of real morning relaxation I’ve had in a couple of weeks though so I earned it I think.

Just writing this and then going to grab some lunch next. After that I’m gonna add a bit more to my book on computer games design before either doing some revision, or going to have a shower and then doing revision, one of those.

I’m really liking the work I’m doing in my computer games design book actually.

I’ve structured the content in just the right way so as to explain the basic skeletal structure of computer games and then explain in detail the flesh which can be selected to hang from it for the gameplay.

It’s still in the very early stages but what I’ve done so far isn’t just correct but also right, in some fundamental way.

Still need to rewrite the introduction and things though so it’s less ‘raving madman who’s one step from committing his first homicide’ and more ‘professional erudite scholar of computer games design’.

The content still has an edge to it that implies that if you don’t understand what I’ve written then you have no fucking business designing a computer game, but hey, that’s what makes it good.

I’m no elitist, I don’t care who studied what and where, but I don’t tolerate fools and the industry is full of them.

I’ll write it. I’ll call the readers idiots on every other page. And then when said idiots take offence, I’ll enjoy [in my sick and perverted way of thriving on ‘The Fight’] laughing at their ire. I’m a fucking genius morons, and you are not. I am right, and you are wrong. Just because that’s a fact doesn’t mean you get to be angry about it.

No, it’s not the right fucking professional way to go about doing business with a lot of people, but it is the way someone abused and ignored for three decades takes his small revenge on the masses; being a passive aggressive dick whilst also being uncontestably right about everything everyone else gets wrong.

Fuck everyone. The last couple of weeks have taught me one simple fact; if I want to get anywhere in life then someone else is going to have to pay for it. In time, energy, money or simple fury, someone else is going to have to cough up if I want to rise because otherwise people will just keep shitting on me. And enough is ENOUGH.

Clawing out my insides with hunger right now so wrapping this up. Still listening to Papa Roach. Still enjoying it immensely, especially Alive [N Out of Control]. Wanna go get some exercise today but probably tomorrow because my vision just went funny [seriously fucked up morning]. Watching ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ which is surprisingly interesting for its pacing and content flashing backwards and forwards like it does.

OH: Stopped talking to that lady friend of mine. One day last week she started telling me about a friend of hers that just released a computer game into the market, and then about it’s bad reviews.

So you’re telling me, whilst I’m currently more angry than I’ve been in my entire life, about someone with the money to do the thing I’m best at in the world who released a whole actual game who fucked it up.

Yeah, we’re not friends anymore. I mean, I don’t need people, I really don’t, and at a time when I’m hating them more than usual this person stabs me in the heart without even realizing.

Plus her medical issues have gotten worse and don’t appear to be getting better any time soon. Plus after I stopped making efforts to contact her she didn’t make any effort to contact me.

I want sex. I want someone around, actually around, not just online, who can provide me real help and interaction who doesn’t piss me off. Who isn’t a fucking moron.

I don’t need it though. Hell, I don’t think right now is even the right time for that kind of thing given the work I need to get done. It’s just a distraction that messes with my head and emotions. But it’s also a base desire of being a human.

I want sex. And having someone around might be handy and make me feel good, and I can help them and care for them too.

The issue is that anything the same shape as myself causes me nothing but headaches and raised blood pressure. Humans are the enemy. There isn’t one in existence who would be a partner to me, only a trusted enemy who I would have to fucking babysit most of the time to curb their stupidity. A drag. A weight. Another problem.

It’s just the way it is. Better off alone...but I want sex.

Fucking humans man. Fuck being one too.

Anyway, getting edibles…

Well, that was a most unpleasent little interlude...

Hai. I'm back online. Got a crappy little toy laptop with a duel core 1.2Ghz processor and 2 gigs of RAM this morning for about £50.00.

It runs Windows 7 so if I can find a fucking wifi connection that will let me access uTorrent and a few other things I can at least update my fucking devices with new audiobooks, and use Google Drive and Firefox to finish off my college work. Those two factors alone are worth 50 fucking quid because a] I am SO DONE doing my gods damn college work on my fucking phone, and b] if I have to listen to the first 3 audiobooks of the fucking Dresden Files and Iron Druid Chronicles [the only audiobooks I had on the devices when my tower PC broke] one more time I'm going to EAT the gods damn Sansa I'm using out of spite.

It's several steps below having a real PC [an entire flight of them maybe], but it's one step above having fuck all, so it'll do for about a month until I get into police training and can upgrade to something which, incidentally, can run fucking League of Legends [gods how I miss playing that fucking game] and TOME: Immortal Arena, which this one cannot [2.0Ghz minimum].

Between when I last posted regularly and now, what happened?

Well, the PC broke so I ended up doing 75% of my police coursework in the local library using my phone. Got about 95% done, but my morale took a pasting after, due to shit happening, I missed the resit date for my exams and my course tutor told me that the examining body wouldn't take them again for 6 weeks. Took me a while to get over that.

Then I decided to investigate on what I've been missing out on in terms of human to human interaction. For some reason [maybe it's all the running or something] but I appear to be catnip to the opposite sex [and the same sex who happen to be gay or bi, which is good because I'm bi too]. In the last few weeks I've had a women start touching herself in a hostel dorm bed opposite me to try to get me to fuck her, several people have tried to flirt with me in and around hostels, and just yesterday when I was soaked from running a blond lass AND a red head stud tried to flirt with me.

Naturally I showed them both no mind, and instead hit on a girl who was 10 years younger than me [19 to my 29], already dating someone else for 6 months, and a total brain dead idiot who didn't even know what the hell VOIP is...well, I said 'hit on', where what I actually did was try to make friends with her when she said she was seeing someone, which worked right up until Friday when my heart went nuts when thinking of talking to talk to her, and then Sunday when she sat down to say hello and talk to me, I froze up and got all embarrassed and had to admit [somehow I convinced myself I could just be her friend] that I was really attracted to her. She hasn't spoken to me since, person or email, and I don't blame her one little bit.

Asides from that I really got into browsing Reddit's forums. It's an excellent website, for both social interaction and things like No Sleep where people post creepy stories. It's got some really stupid ass rules at times, like in No Sleep you have to pretend like the stories are totally legit and you're talking to someone who has actually experienced the events in the narrative, which itself is told from the first person perspective [I went to the window, that kind of thing]. Also in Ask Reddit, some guy showed up and decided to try to flamebait me - insult me for the purposes of making me angry and insult him - and when I told the mods [gods how I hate mods] they took a look at his insults, my rational replies, and banned us both for 2 days for 'Slap Fighting'...yeah, because I was totally the bad guy here, and in 2 days I'm not going to be back writing calm rational replies like I just fucking did, DICKS. But overall it's an interesting waste of time and something to do when you've only got an old iPhone and unlimited 3G wifi to entertain yourself.

The reason I mention Reddit right after flirting and being flirted with is because I met this lass in the UK who I've got this daily email communication flow with. Not entirely sure how that happened but she posted in Need a Friend I think as her mates had abandoned her when she went into hospital with complications from a kidney syndrome thingy. I'm not sure what precisely her issues are as she tends to be purposely vague about stuff due to abusive past relationships [notably her ex who, and I don't say this with my usual hyperbole, I actually mean this sincerely, needs to be stabbed a lot and thrown to rats, preferably whilst he's still alive enough to know he's being eaten].

Shes about my age, beautiful [though currently a bit cubby due to the doctor telling her to put on weight for ICU style surgery, but I've seen older pictures and she is hot], interesting eyes, a little shy maybe [she has issues arguing back] but a cuddly personality. She also worked/works [got fired on medical grounds, but probably going to get rehired] for a high court up north, and seeing as I'm going to be a policemen, we're basically studying the same rulebook, only I hunt and capture whilst she locks em up. I like her. And she apparently likes me, even with my crazy which I've exposed her to more than once or twice.

And we have this weird sexual thing going on. She sent me tit pics [even overweight her chest puppies are just amazing], I uploaded a bunch of images off my phone into a drop box and gave her a link [I'm not one to judge my own body, but there are apparently images in there plenty of others want to see from me wearing thin tees and jeans, so can't be too bad and she's asked for more but I've been too busy].

Point is that she knows I'm a virgin, we're the same age, we're both attractive people, we both work in similar areas, we've talked about sexual kinks [she's into a form of BDSM called forced orgasms, and I'm into dominant sex where I've got control and possession of another, so we're compatible], she's not into geeky stuff like me, but...I don't know, we talk and it works somehow, and we share a history of mental abuse so we understand and make allowances for crazy...

...I'm just going to say it, I'm fairly sure that...I don't know. I can't define our relationship even to myself and sometimes she seems sexual and it's a shared thing and sometimes she seems like just a good friend, and she talks to other guys, one of whom is coming to visit her next month, stay in a hotel and hang out for a couple of days, she says they're just good friends, like the mirror image of each others personality, but she shares sexual stuff with me, but won't seem to commit to anything [which is understandable given her exs] and I'm not sure if I want her to...

To say our relationship is muddled is an understatement, but the fact is that I can't act on it on right due to joining the police, and she's currently on disability allowance from the government due to her illness which I'm not entirely sure if she's going to get over and be healthy like normal again.

If she were fit and healthy, and I wasn't still a train wreck, I wouldn't say no to a hotel room, some take out [we both love KFC], some rope, and some epically kinky sex with a person even I, the misenthropic bastard that I am, would have to call a friend.

But the qualifiers to that event aren't there, and I don't really know how she feels. Given the attention I've been getting I also feel I would be [even more] of a fool than I have been lately with regards to other people not to take up some of these other offers I keep getting, but the issue, at least from my perspective, is that I want my first time, with my personality and at this age, to be with someone I trust and like. Someone I can explore with and who'll be patient because she or he cares about me.

In the typical fashion of my stupid fucking existence, what I've got in this regard is someone who would probably give me what I want and probably need, but can't, and offers from those who see a pretty man and want but would get what they don't expect and wouldn't want to handle [OK, so that's cynical but I see no reason not to think the worst here].

So I'm putting a moratorium on the whole damn business and setting back down to get on with my college work. No reason not to chat and get to know people, from the hostel I'm in or online, because someone else may come along who is even better suited to me than the above women, but wait until I've got my own place, restored my wardrobe and devices to reasonable levels, and have settled into being a copper, and then I'll see about adding relationship drama into that. By then, if my lady friend is healthy and we still want in each others undies, then I'll press my intentions, if not, I don't see any reason I can't boink someone else I meet in mean time or after. It's the smart way to go.

Fucking starving right now, but only got about 5 hours sleep last night and cant be asked to move from this library chair. -.-

Anyway, met a few bastards, made a few friends, discovered I'm crack to the opposite sex, wasted some time, living in a cheap hostel so should be able to upgrade some of my shirt shortly, nearly done with college, OH, and getting some temp work after I've finished off the last 5-10% of my course to give me bonus monies which I really does needs

And got a crappy PC which is about an infinity times better than my aging fucking iPhone.

YUP.

Still adding links to Firefox, downloading a few programs, going to go hit Audible for my Discworld audiobooks shortly, and find a way to download torrents so I can get the remainder of the Iron Druid Chronicles onto my Sansa and some TV on my HDD to watch this evening. Come back to library tomorrow after a good nights sleep and revise for resit exams, check in with the job center on Wednesday, and on with college work for the rest of the week.

Try and post about something else tomorrow, like I did before. Did also have ideas about getting an entirely new online ID [the other one which is the main one I use, that I don't use here]. Just think it's time. This wouldn't change as it's not linked to me personally except by access, but my other ID would be wiped and I'd start over with a new project database. A new slate, as it were...

For now though, I'm off to get something to eat before I start eating library patrons. Bai.