Feels like it's been a fairly
busy three or four days, but it hasn't really, it's just been a lot of
traveling interspersed by periods of heavy thinking.
…Damn…looking over my last
post I was about two steps from going totally bananas. I’m doing a lot better
now. It’s fine.
After I got my claim
transferred to my local job centre I was removed from the full time
employability skills course. This is to say that my last advisor hasn’t
contacted me about not attending it and my current advisor signed me on
Wednesday so providing my money is in my account on Monday then there shouldn’t
be any issue.
I’ve also handed in all the
evidence required to my local housing benefits office to get my claim
transferred from the previous housing office to this new one. I’m not entirely
happy about this as they said it would take two weeks to process and that’s
more time than I have until I need the money to pay my rent at this hostel, but
it’s one of those cross checks. Every time they go to pay your housing benefit
they check your address with the job centre’s records, and if the two don’t
match it isn’t paid.
So yeah, everyone is updated
with all the evidence they need and the new job centre isn’t trying to put me
on any type of employability skills program here so I have all the time I need
to get my revision done for my exam on the 08/11/14.
On the other hand it’s a 50/50
bet if I’ll get my JSA on Monday and my HB on the following Monday. All I can
do is get up early and check first my bank and then the offices to find out if
there are any issues and if I can get the money that day because the hostel I’m
staying in won’t take ‘I’ll have it in a few days’ for payment. ‘No credit’ is literally
splattered across the walls of the reception area so…we’ll see what happens
come Monday.
For now I’ve gotten plenty of
rest, rebuilt my sanity from something like sand to, if not rock, then at least
gravel, so I’m not longer giggling like a crazy thing and my left eye hasn’t twitched
since I was at the housing office on Tuesday.
Still haven’t sent the bloody
medical forms to the MPS. Sorting out the JSA and HB cost me too much in bus
fare so there was not enough left to get to my doctors AND pay for the forms.
On the upside, this means that
I’ve got plenty of cash to buy food and that with, not that I need it after a
super cheap veggie run at a local Morrisons [seriously, those guys are selling
veggies at ½ the cost of Sainsburys and Tescos, it’s amazing].
On the downside, I’ve told
them I’ll send it to them every Monday for the past three weeks and failed
every time because of costs of moving acom, and then that fucking employability
skills course being three hours down the road. Next Monday I’ve got bank fees
which takes away the money I need, followed the week after by the fees for my
resit exam. So two weeks Monday [assuming everything remains stable] is when I’ll
be able to actually fucking pay for and send them.
The fact that the forms are
basically nothing more than a guy’s signature that confirms I’m in perfect
health [not that the Doctor even fucking CHECKED to make sure I was] just
pisses me off even more.
Anyway, point is that here and
now and until Monday morning I don’t really have any issues [about four days],
apart from waking up this morning feeling horrible.
I think the heat in the dorm I’m
staying in messed with my thyroid or something because I spent a couple of
hours radiating heat from my skin like a patio heater. Didn’t feel too bad
after I went out and got a can of Monster caffeine, but you could’ve cooked a
side of bacon on my bald head.
Then spent way too long playing
Hearthstone after I worked out a somewhat epic build for the Hunter class and
was able to get from lv20 [entry] up to lv16. Currently at lv17 because it’s
more or less the luck of the fucking draw if you get a good hand or not and I
tend to lose about 45% of my matches through bad hands and opponent lucky ones.
Today was the first bit of
real morning relaxation I’ve had in a couple of weeks though so I earned it I
think.
Just writing this and then
going to grab some lunch next. After that I’m gonna add a bit more to my book
on computer games design before either doing some revision, or going to have a
shower and then doing revision, one of those.
I’m really liking the work I’m
doing in my computer games design book actually.
I’ve structured the content in
just the right way so as to explain the basic skeletal structure of computer
games and then explain in detail the flesh which can be selected to hang from
it for the gameplay.
It’s still in the very early
stages but what I’ve done so far isn’t just correct but also right, in some
fundamental way.
Still need to rewrite the
introduction and things though so it’s less ‘raving madman who’s one step from
committing his first homicide’ and more ‘professional erudite scholar of
computer games design’.
The content still has an edge
to it that implies that if you don’t understand what I’ve written then you have
no fucking business designing a computer game, but hey, that’s what makes it
good.
I’m no elitist, I don’t care
who studied what and where, but I don’t tolerate fools and the industry is full
of them.
I’ll write it. I’ll call the
readers idiots on every other page. And then when said idiots take offence, I’ll
enjoy [in my sick and perverted way of thriving on ‘The Fight’] laughing at their
ire. I’m a fucking genius morons, and you are not. I am right, and you are
wrong. Just because that’s a fact doesn’t mean you get to be angry about it.
No, it’s not the right fucking
professional way to go about doing business with a lot of people, but it is the
way someone abused and ignored for three decades takes his small revenge on the
masses; being a passive aggressive dick whilst also being uncontestably right
about everything everyone else gets wrong.
Fuck everyone. The last couple
of weeks have taught me one simple fact; if I want to get anywhere in life then
someone else is going to have to pay for it. In time, energy, money or simple
fury, someone else is going to have to cough up if I want to rise because
otherwise people will just keep shitting on me. And enough is ENOUGH.
Clawing out my insides with
hunger right now so wrapping this up. Still listening to Papa Roach. Still
enjoying it immensely, especially Alive [N Out of Control]. Wanna go get some
exercise today but probably tomorrow because my vision just went funny
[seriously fucked up morning]. Watching ‘How to Get Away with Murder’ which is surprisingly
interesting for its pacing and content flashing backwards and forwards like it
does.
OH: Stopped talking to that
lady friend of mine. One day last week she started telling me about a friend of
hers that just released a computer game into the market, and then about it’s
bad reviews.
So you’re telling me, whilst I’m
currently more angry than I’ve been in my entire life, about someone with the
money to do the thing I’m best at in the world who released a whole actual game
who fucked it up.
Yeah, we’re not friends
anymore. I mean, I don’t need people, I really don’t, and at a time when I’m
hating them more than usual this person stabs me in the heart without even
realizing.
Plus her medical issues have
gotten worse and don’t appear to be getting better any time soon. Plus after I
stopped making efforts to contact her she didn’t make any effort to contact me.
I want sex. I want someone
around, actually around, not just online, who can provide me real help and
interaction who doesn’t piss me off. Who isn’t a fucking moron.
I don’t need it though. Hell,
I don’t think right now is even the right time for that kind of thing given the
work I need to get done. It’s just a distraction that messes with my head and
emotions. But it’s also a base desire of being a human.
I want sex. And having someone
around might be handy and make me feel good, and I can help them and care for
them too.
The issue is that anything the
same shape as myself causes me nothing but headaches and raised blood pressure.
Humans are the enemy. There isn’t one in existence who would be a partner to
me, only a trusted enemy who I would have to fucking babysit most of the time
to curb their stupidity. A drag. A weight. Another problem.
It’s just the way it is.
Better off alone...but I want sex.
Fucking humans man. Fuck being
one too.
Anyway, getting edibles…
